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The Surprising Truth About America

Did you know that a week or so ago, I was subjected treated to some pretty searing questions about my wonderful country of Canada? Yes, they were posed by my wickedly funny American cousin (not really but it would be grand if she was my cousin) Katy over on her blog Experienced Bad Mom. You can get there by clicking this link: www.experiencedbadmom.com.

Don’t know her? Oh, you should! She’s not just a bad mom, but an experienced bad mom …

These are but a mere soupcon of her hard-hitting questions:

Who Is Your President?

Do You Have A Pet Polar Bear?

Were You Born With Ice Hockey Skates On?

Seriously? Yes.

I took great care in answering her questions to the best of my ability. For the truth is we Canadians tend to know at least 257% more (ok sorry, but let’s be honest eh, at least 547% more) about their country than Americans know about our country. They needed to be educated.

And now that her fellow Americans (and she) know ALL there is to know about Canada, the country TO THE NORTH (and in the case of Alaska: TO THE SOUTHEAST and Hawaii: TO THE EAST) I thought it might be fun to get some things cleared up that I’m curious about. You know, in the interests of  increasing the peace and prosperity between our two great nations.

American flag with blue sky https://www.kellylmckenzie.com/the-surprising-truth-about-america/

The Surprising Truth About America

1. Just TypiKel: I’m sorry but do you all have an uncle named Sam?

Experienced Bad Mom: Yes, and he wears a big hat, has facial hair,  and scares little kids by pointing at them. I can’t speak for others, but I also have Uncles named Paul, Dick, Jim, and Eric.

2. Just TypiKel:  How do you cover your confusion when it comes to your money? It’s magical. Everyone is so confident when they whip out a $20.00 bill vs a $10.00 bill. Do you have to take special Paper Currency 101 classes?

Experienced Bad Mom: I can understand how this is confusing to Canadians with your colored bills and humongous dollar coins. It’s really quite simple, though. We look at the number on the bill. I’ll speak slower. The number. Personally, it’s easy for me because I only ever have to discern between 4 numbers: 1, 5, 10 and 20.

3. Just TypiKel: Are there some folks down there who are ashamed of their arms? We hear a lot about “the right to bare arms.” So these folks just like to keep their arms covered up? Sorry eh, but I’m confused.

Experienced Bad Mom: I’m not really an expert on this topic. When I hear “the right to bare arms” I imagine revolutionary war heroes trotting around in the fields with their guns, or people shopping at Wal-Mart who probably do think this phrase applies to their love of garish tank tops.

4. Just TypiKel: Name a colour. Other than red or blue. Sorry, but white isn’t a colour, eh.

Experienced Bad Mom: There are many truths about America, including these:

1. We have long hours to work and lots of greenbacks to make, so we trim anything that slows us down, including the extra “u” in words like color and neighbor.

2. Our favorite colors are Red, White and Blue. The end.

5. Just TypiKel: Canadian Maple Syrup or Vermont Maple Syrup?

Experienced Bad Mom Katy: Neither. Mrs. Butterworth because that is The. Coolest. Syrup. Bottle. Ever.

51/2. Just TypiKel: Light, Medium or Dark?

Experienced Bad Mom: You’re a tenacious one, aren’t you? All right, medium Vermont Maple Syrup but I’ll wave at you across the border eating your Dark Canadian Maple Syrup.

6. Just TypiKel: Canadian Bacon or American Bacon?

Experienced Bad Mom: Pshaw, this is not even a debate. Bacon should come as crispy, succulent, fatty *strips*, whether from American pigs or Canadian pigs (oink, eh!) I don’t care. But don’t go trying to pass off a slice of ham as any form of bacon. Sacrilege!

7. Just TypiKel: How many apple pies would you consume in a year? With American cheese or without?

Experienced Bad Mom: No one I know eats apple pie with American cheese on it. Although I think Rachael Ray and Martha Stewart put cheddar cheese on their pies. As for your original question, I think you already know the answer. With our skyrocketing obesity rates, we Americans are eating about 1643 pies per person per year. That’s 4.5 apple pies a day.

8. Just TypiKel: Do you have a pet corn dog? If so, can you get it to eat something other than corn?

Experienced Bad Mom: I do not have a pet corn dog, but I’d like to get a pet hush puppy. It would play nicely with my cat. And it would also go nicely with a glass of sweet tea.

9. Just TypiKel: What is Spam? Sorry, I’m not referring to the slew of unsolicited messages, eh.

Experienced Bad Mom: When you find out what Spam is, let me know, too! I have no idea what sort of processed goodness is in that blue can.

10. Just TypiKel: Where is Canada?

Experienced Bad Mom: Is this a test? It’s north. Of the whole U.S. Sorta. Except for the part that is in south Detroit. That’s Windsor, Ontario. Oh, and then there’s the part that’s south and east of Alaska and east of Hawaii. Sheesh, this is getting hard!

When a coworker once asked me about the location of Canada, I answered with
stunned silence. She gave me a hint, since clearly I couldn’t remember
where Canada was even though I lived there for 3 years. She said: “I was in
Rochester once. Is that close?”

So, Canada is close to Rochester. Ta da!

***

Bless you Katy. You’ve cleared up a lot of confusion for folks on both sides of the border. And your coworker’s insightful question reminds me of the interesting comments I’d get back in the summers when I worked at Vancouver’s Tourist Bureau. Oh there were some beauts! But the one memory that haunts me the most was that of the delightful American couple querying the reason for the lack of sled dogs roaming the local streets …

I’m off to look up the location of Rochester once you pass me Mrs. Butterworth. Thanks eh.

This post on the surprising truth about America has been shamefully partnered with today’s Finish The Sentence prompt of “The memory that haunts me is …” As always, our host is Kristi . Today’s guest hosts are Anna and Vidya. 

Janine's Confessions of A Mommyaholic

I’m delighted to inform you that it’s also possible to follow the wonderfully funny and yes, American, Experienced Bad Mom  on both Facebook and twitter.

Enough about the surprising truth of America. I’m curious about you. If you’re Canadian, what scintillating questions would you like to ask an American? And by the way, do you own a husky? Or a Tim Horton’s franchise? If you are American, do you know roughly where Canada is? Have you ever been here? Better yet, do you know the difference between Kraft cheese slices and American cheese? If you’d care to share, I’d love to hear.

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Kelly Mckenzie

Kelly McKenzie worked at her mother’s Vancouver Asian antique store for over a decade. After struggling to make her first sale, she went on to become her mother's dependable right-hand gal, picking up bookkeeping skills, marathon running and a husband along the way. A cast member of Seattle’s first Listen To Your Mother show, she’s been published in community newspapers across Canada, in the Chicken Soup for the Soul book series and in various blogs and anthologies. Never, Never, Hardly Ever is a result of Frankie’s endless encouragement to “get our antics out into the world.”

Comments

81 Responses

  1. HAHAH awesome. So my ex-step-mother was Canadian. From Regina which hello vagina rhymings will always be hilarious but anyway. She said weird stuff too like “lufftenent” for “lieutenant” and I always figured she was faking, like you know, to be more Canadian down here or whatever. Also< I only know that you guys are up in the great white north. And that you're friendlies. That's weird right?

    1. When I was in gr. 12 I went to a leadership conference at Notre Dame. I got to chatting with some lovely chaps from Alabama (Go “Bama!”) and they stopped me cold when I mentioned “Regina.” I’ll never forget it. “WHAT did you say?” After some slow, deliberate spelling of the Saskatchewan city I got the potential massive confusion cleared up … And for the record I say “lEfftenant.” Yes, we’re friendlies for the most part. Have our share of unfriendlies too of course. Bless you for at least being aware that it’s the great white NORTH. Some folks are a tad confused apparently as to where Canada actually is. Hopefully Katy and I can correct all of that with these scintillating and very important questions …

  2. The 2 of you have done it again! You make a great tag team, enlightening us all about each other’s countries. I live in Vancouver too and am disappointed to have never seen a sled dog team here. Until I read your post, I didn’t know what I was missing.

    1. Aw thank you Sharon. We really should meet over a double/double or a triple O one of these days …

      1. Wow – Katy! I had no idea. I grew up on the University Endownment Lands so UBC (where I also went) was just across the street. I know 10th Ave very, very well and sadly never saw the husky. Maybe he was out on sled runs?

  3. “Delightful American couple querying the reason for the lack of sled dogs roaming the local streets…”

    Wait.

    What DID happen to the sled dogs? How do Canadians get from place to place if there are no sled dogs? Seems like a perfectly reasonable and logical question to me!

    (Fun post! I grew up close to the Canadian border, and would go across into Canada on multiple occasions. Always enjoyed myself there!)

    1. Wonderful questions. The sled dogs have been seconded to work on movie sets so for the most part we get about on skis. Or, in my case, rowboats. It’s been raining pretty heavily all week here on the wet coast and the streets are flooded. My mailman – oops letter carrier – hurls the letters from his zodiac. It really is a wonderful system. I’d linger longer to ask you about where you grew up but I must dash. My sea lion is anxious to head out. I promised her a live cod for lunch.

  4. This is terrific, Kelly!
    Let’s see…Vermont maple syrup, but that’s a mushy honeymoon sentimentality thing for us more than anything. That Butterworth’s woman, though? Bleah. Poser. And dark, please. I read somewhere that C is the new B or something. You know, like 40 is the new 20? American bacon because isn’t Canadian bacon actually ham? Or is it Spam? Hmmm… I had an uncle who ate a wedge of cheddar cheese next to his apple pie always. I hate apple pie, personally. And I have never eaten a corn dog. What even IS a corn dog. Strangely, though, my Daughter likes them and I have no idea how or why she even knows what one is.
    Fun post!

    1. Oh now I am going to share your Vermont maple syrup mushy honeymoon sentimentality comment with my son’s old roommate. Bless him. He’s from Vermont and he and my son are engaged in a fierce war over who produces the highest quality of syrup. C is the new B? Excellent. I’ll pass that on too. As for corn dogs? The only one I’ve ever seen being eaten took place in a movie. I’ll never forget Julie Andrews’ face as she took a bite of one in Princess Diaries. Classic. Absolutely classic.

        1. We had a corn dog streak in our house for about 3 years when it was the only thing my kids could eat for lunch. I’m crossing my fingers that corn dogs were better for them than Canadian delicacies such as Tim Hortons donuts or poutine!

          1. I need to know more about this Tim Hortons of which everyone speaks here. We have a new arena in our area and there is a Tim Hortons location there. I’ve been to the arena, but not the Tim Hortons.
            Now, poutine I have had once or twice and I have to say while it’s probably quite unhealthy, it’s quite good. Damn good.

          2. Oooohhhh. Tim Hortons is known for its coffee Lisa. It’s always fresh as they throw the leftovers out after a certain amount of time. And guess what? I’ve NEVER tried poutine. NEVER. Is it really that good?

          2. Well, fries, cheese curds (not as gross as it sounds), brown gravy…yeah. That good. Heavy, greasy…delicious.
            Now that I now Tim Horton’s is COFFEE I will have to check it out. I never liked Starbucks and I’ve about given up on Dunkin – their coffee is always burnt lately. Blah.

          3. Yes – give Tim’s a try. The coffee – at least up here – is yummy. If you like it you need to know we call it “Timmy’s” or as we do in my family “Timmy Ho’s” Either way and you’ll be a Canadian cousin.

    1. Oh I hope so Jane! We are having a hoot. Hard to believe we’ve never actually met. Care for a double/double on our next field trip? I mean we are eating at Timmy Ho’s are we not? Or was it Pizza Hut?

        1. As this was your idea to create world peace Katy you can be Lucy. Any idea where that chocolate factory is?

  6. Why Kelly, thank you so much for having me over to enlighten the world about the flat-out truth about America. I feel so special and official.

    Now if only you and I could have worked together at the Vancouver tourist bureau. I think the Americans would have liked talking to one of their own to explain things like loonies and twoonies and White Spot.

    1. Know exactly what you mean by feeling so special and official. I truly thing we are doing marvelous things for world diplomacy. And yes, that would have been an absolute hoot if we’d worked together at the Vancouver tourist bureau. I suspect we’d be legends they still spoke about today. Hmmmm. Perhaps I should tweet them?

    1. Nooooo. It can’t help but do anything but improve them surely? I mean Canadians now know All there is to know about Mrs. Butterworth and Americans are in the know about Tim Hortons. Perhaps we should introduce them. Hey, Katy!

  8. Bravo. I must confess. I don’t really like apple pie. I do like a corn dog every now and then, but my children refuse to eat them so I don’t buy them. Pooh for me. I do know our President but having to think a while on our two Senators. We just got a new one elected and I’m blanking on his name. UGH.

    1. Now that’s a whole other thing Katy and I need to look into. The difference between the politics of our two countries. we have senators as well but they are different than yours. They are also the name of the Ottawa ice hockey team… Hmmmm. Food for thought. Oooohhhhh Katy could bring up some corn dogs for our meeting! Thanks Jamie!

  9. See–I TOLD you Rochester is almost Toronto, except for that damn lake inconveniently in the way. Rochester, NY, that is. I have no idea where Rochester, Minnesota is. Heck, I have no idea where Minnesota is other than it’s somewhere between NY and CA, south of Canada and it’s filled with Norwegians, most of whom I’m related to.

    Norway, in case you’re wondering, is thataway and up north, nowhere near anything except polar bears and Abba. Which is why my ancestors left there.

    And I do believe I’m the only US citizen who believes in euthanasia for corn dogs, without exception. They’re a dangerous breed and are not to be trusted around children. This stance makes me wildly unpopular, especially during the summer fair months. Then again, the truth always hurtts, even when it is setting you freeeeeeeeeeee!

    1. Susan! I have Norwegian ancestors who moved to Minnesota before they got smart and headed to Southern California. I’d like to thank them for my pale skin, which upon further reflection, was probably never supposed to be exposed to as much sun as it got while I grew up near LA.

      And now I’m craving a corn dog. Or is it simply a summer fair. Brr! It’s cold here in Michigan.Maybe I should move to Minnesota–ha ha ha ha!

      1. Katy, yes, I have melatonin challenged ancestors too but over the years I’ve developed enough sun damage to pass for a pale tan. And now that my hair is silver I tell everyone I used to be a blonde. Those who are old enough to remember, can’t. And those new to my circle probably don’t care.

        But it feeds my fantasies none the less.

    2. Euthanasia for corn dogs! Yikes. Perhaps you should consider a bodyguard during the busy summer fair months? Thank you for your excellent geography descriptions. My son’s roommate is Norwegian – just think how I’ll impress him now with my new found Norwegian knowledge. Thank you Susan. I’ll let you know his response.

  10. Orange! Orange! Orange! Which once was spelled “oraunge” before Daniel Webster got his hands on it, I’m sure.

    See, we know our colors here. Orange it is the color of our most patriotic cheese food: American.

  11. You brought up some points I had not considered before. The right to bare arms – I loved the illusion to Walmart, we call those shirt “wife beater” shirts! and I don’t know why we dropped letters from many of our words – maybe it has something to do with the American way of rushing around. I’m way down here in Georgia – so I forget the differences between the two countries – when thinking about it – I often focus on the weather – Canadian weather is beyond my little imagination – probably like our hot and humid and steamy summer!

    1. Yes, Vickie, I think we’d all agree that no Canadian goes south in the summer. I think it gets a wee bit humid in Toronto, just like it can here in Michigan, but usually it’s short and sweet and blows right through.

    2. Toronto – in the province of Ontario – can be hot and humid and steamy in the summer but where I am – wayyyyyover over on the west coast (or as the locals call it – the wet coast) we are pretty nice in the summer. Fairly mild here all around actually. We call them “wife beaters” too! The shirts that is. Down there in Georgia do you still say “y’all” a lot or is that just a myth?

      1. we do say y’all – or at least I still do. I catch myself saying “I’m fixing to”…. whatever I’m going to do – old throwback!

        1. Oh I do love “I’m fixing to …” It is perfect. I’m fixing to sprinkle it about every now and then myself …

  12. This took me back to some years when I would meet my cousins living in canada, and they would argue over the various differences between usa and canada, and boy! what a deal it was!!
    Now…I am sure we would just laugh over it 🙂

    1. I would hope we can all laugh about it now. I think, after living in Canada, that the Canadians seem to be a bit more sensitive that the Americans don’t pay them so much attention, but it all comes out in the wash when they beat us in the ice hockey game at the Olympics every 4 years!

      1. And I’ve been very good and have said nothing about that US/Canada women’s hockey team game… What last 5 minutes of the third period …

  13. I have to agree with Katy regarding bacon. Sorry, Kelly – no contest on that one. Corn dogs are delicious and never have to be taken for a walk when it is raining. Seriously loved this project that you gals put together. I’m proud of you for doing your part to bring peace and understanding between neighbors (or is it neighbours?).

  14. Pingback: The Surprising Truth about America

  15. No idea what spam – perhaps it wouldn’t be a good idea to look at the ingredients! But it’s great comfort food fried and served with mashed potatoes and heinz baked beans! What on earth is a corn dog… no wait… I’m off to google it.
    Ok after a quick google – it looks .. well… not the healthiest of foods! lol

  17. You two make quite the comedic pair; I really think this should become a series! I don’t have an Uncle Sam but my husband does (for real). My kids have two uncle Marks, although one is spelled Marc. Leave it to Americans to make everything confusing!

  18. Y’all are hilarious!! I enjoyed this post as much as the one on Katy’s blog – both equally educational!!! I thought Spam was a Hawaii thing. Although, growing up my mom did something gross with it occasionally and tried to pass it off as dinner:(

    1. So interesting that you thought Spam was a Hawaii thing Kim. We never had it there but I do remember seeing it in the stores.

  19. Katy, thank you for admitting you don’t know what spam is! I thought it was because I’m a non-American that I’ve never understood what/why it is.
    You two are the greatest! I loved the Canada-US series. Do another please??

    1. Grinning here. Geez, eh – you sure are learning a lot about Canada. Throw in a couple of “sorry’s” and we’ll have you being mistaken for a true Canuck.

    1. Oh now Michelle you simply, simply must try Canadian maple syrup. Or at least your husband and kids must. Next time I’m in the States I’ll check out Mrs. Butterworth. Clearly she has something going on.

  22. I would take a pet corn dog or a hush puppy. Preferably one with a side of extra crispy thinly sliced bacon! How did we not discuss the 100 dollar bill? Oh that is probably because no one really has many of those in their pockets very often….

    1. Hi Denise! Thanks for popping in and commenting. It’s been such a hoot to team up with Katy to do this. I do believe we are cementing the bonds of the friendship between our two countries … hahaha!

  24. Tears running down my face from laughing with you two. Kelly, you do that to me on your own and now with you two paired up, it’s a ‘double whammy’ for me!

    1. Oh Elda that makes me grin. Thank you. I am so delighted to have “met” Katy online and hope to meet her for real sooner rather than later. I think we’d have a hoot.

  25. This was excellent. I had no idea you two were family. Or, as they say here in the South (U.S.), ‘kinfolk.’ You didn’t even get into that great debate over the CFL and NFL. Or discuss Canadian sports franchises moving south to warmth and non-Monopoly-style money.

    And I wonder what Mexican food is like in Canada.

    One more – I’m glad Regina Vagina is not a CFL team.

  26. OMG I needed this. Hilarious. Kelly, I think you have an interviewing career ahead. Those questions.

    I don’t have any, I don’t think.

    A few memories.

    As a Detroit (well, near by) girl, and since both parents were once Canadian citizens, we spent a lot of time in Windsor and Toronto, and vacationing at Wildwood Lodge. (I wonder if it still exists.) Wildwood is where on Wednesdays, the lodge served a slice of roast beef, with gravy on a piece of white bread, topped with peas. Dessert? Tapioca. My mom served this for years so I have no idea if this is a Canadian specialty. Now I know Yorkshire pudding is from our Canadian family. When my mom made that, she usually announced it to our Michigan neighbors (in a bragging way, I picked up on that early on). It was a feat of hers to pull that puff beefy pastry out of oven in full-risen glory. The puff lasted for less than a half minute.

    Okay, here’s a question: Does the puff in Yorkshire pudding last? Or was my mom a bad cook?

    1. Oh, thank you, Chris. That was posted a while ago! Katy and I must do a redo. I’ll reach out to her.

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Kelly L Mckenzie

Kelly McKenzie worked at her mother’s Vancouver Asian antique store for over a decade. After struggling to make her first sale, she went on to become her mother’s dependable right-hand gal, picking up bookkeeping skills, marathon running and a husband along the way.

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