Promise you won’t tell. It’ll be our little secret.
Agreed? Ok. There’s something my daughter might not want me to share. But I’m going to anyway because I think it could help a lot of parents who are going through the same thing with their children. Just don’t tell her.
You may have read previous posts about my 20-year-old gal and discerned that she’s a confident swim coach and lifeguard. Well guess what? She hasn’t always been fond of the water! That’s putting it mildly and done so with 17 years of calming perspective in between. Yes, there was a time when I wanted to stomp my size 7’s and shriek at her to “just get in the freakin pool!”
Back in the day they would have thrown her reluctant bod right in the deep end. That’s what happened to my sister. My mother, horrified at her daughter’s reluctance to dampen her toes asked the lifeguard to chuck her in. He did and Sis never looked back. Took to water like a sleek little seal.
Fast forward roughly 35 years. Hurling reluctant swimmers into the deep end is not about to happen in this mindful era; especially not at a busy public pool.
Oh yes, I remember my daughter’s first set of lessons as if they took place yesterday.
Just Get In The Freakin Pool
My daughter’s wearing her cousin’s swimsuit. A welcome hand me down, it’s yellow and at least two sizes two big. She insisted on wearing it. The straps are slipping slowly down her arms and the seat balloons out like a parachute. Will it even stay on in the water?
Who cares? I’m so excited. Today she’s going to get in the water. Without me. What a godsend. This day took forever to arrive. However, she’s finally three and three is the magic age. It’s the land of the TINY TOT LESSONS. Hallelujah. I can just recline here on the bleachers and watch. No need to get wet, no need for endless games with the floaty toys. Let someone else splash away!
There are three in the class; all girls. While the other two eagerly follow the young instructor to the water’s edge my girl turns towards me. “Where are you going to be?” she hisses.
I find myself adopting the pseudo sing-songy voice I always adopt in times of motherly panic assurance.
“Right there on the bleachers, hon. You go on. Hop in.”
She moves with the speed of a tortoise. A very old, very exhausted tortoise. Her classmates are hopping up and down on the half-submerged metal chairs enthusiastically joining in on rounds of “You put your right foot in and you shake it all about.”
Little Miss Sceptical takes a moment. She stands on the pool edge and ponders. I’m acutely aware she’s the only three-year old on site who is working through all possible alternatives. Mercifully she decides to join in. I feel the tension ease from my shoulders and my breaths become normal.
Ten minutes in the instructor has the other two hopping from chair to chair. My girl is still anchored to hers, refusing to move. While the others slip and slide and shriek with delight as their hair is splashed and their faces get damp my girl remains bone dry. Only her feet and ankles are wet. Just as she looks ready to step forward onto that second chair her instructor chimes out “Ok that’s all for today! See you on Thursday! Nice work everybody.”
The two other mothers grab their towels and get to work. Not me. There’s no need.
That night I lie awake long into the wee hours. Overthink much? Yes, just typikel. My mind is flooded with questions. What was her problem? Why wasn’t she more enthusiastic? She is fine with me when we go swimming. Does that mean she has to have me with her? Surely not.
The morning of the second lesson I prep her well. I resort to bribery.
“Guess what. If you get your suit wet today you can choose a big cookie from the vending machine.”
This stops her cold. The vending machines option is huge. Mommy never lets her near them. Snacks are of the home variety and take the form of sliced carrots or apples. A vending machine cookie? Really?
The bribery works. At the last possible moment she allows herself to slip off the chair into the water.
Thank god. We’re on our way.
As I start the car for the trip home a steely determined voice pipes up from the back seat.
“I won’t be getting a cookie next time thank you. I’m not getting wet.”
That’s it. She’ll never learn to swim. My mind swirls with drowning possibilities and settles on a particularly vivid one. She’s 50 and leaning over the cruise ship rail to get a better photo of the crowning orca far below. An overeager fellow passenger bumps her and she topples into the roiling sea … Unable to swim she flounders and calls out for help …
Enough. She’s going to just get in the freaking pool next class so help me God.
The next class finds her standing rigid, arms crossed and her bare dry toes lined up neatly on a random crack etched in the pool deck.
“I told you Mommy. I won’t be getting a cookie today.”
After an embarrassing display of futile and pathetic cajoling and downright pleading on my part my reluctant gal wins the day. She and I watch that lesson from the bleachers. Delightful. All around me parents are praising the natural abilities of their offspring.
“Check out Johnny’s rocket ships!”
“Just look at Marie plunge! I’ve never seen her face touch the bottom of the pool like that!”
It’s horrid. Everyone else’s child is a keener but mine. This holds true for all the children in both the threes and the fours preschool class. They’re all bounding forward to the upper level swim classes while my reluctant babe still won’t get her face wet. She’ll be in Tiny Tot 1 forever.
I’m wrong. Fast forward to the Spring of grade one. Over a restorative glass of wine another mom confides her worst nightmare.
“Connor won’t get his face wet in the water. He hates swimming lessons!”
Merciful mother of marine mammals! We hatch a plan to put the two of them into the same class. And provide them with goggles. By the end of lesson one both of them are actually submerging under the surface of the water.
What did I learn from all of this? My daughter just wasn’t ready. I needed to be more patient, to stop comparing her to others and to let her learn on her terms. That’s it. So take heart Moms and Dads. Your reluctant swimmer will learn, they will eventually just get in the freakin pool. And yes, one day you too could be watching your very own competitive swimmer from the pool deck.
This post was inspired by the Finish The Sentence Friday prompt (that I foolishly proposed) of “I know my child would rather I not reveal this but … ” Thanks so much to our lovely hosts Kristi Campbell at http://www.findingninee.com and Stephanie Sprenger at http://
Enough about me and my reluctant swimmer. I’m curious about you. Is your child sometimes reluctant to try new things? Does it frustrate the hell out of you? How do you deal with that? Can you swim? Are you scared to try new things? If you’d care to share, I’d love to hear.
54 Responses
I had a similar problem. My kids didn’t mind getting wet. Their issue was listening to the instructor, and my issue was pushing it. When it came to crawling, walking, talking and potty training, I was completely that mom who was all, “She’ll learn when she’s ready to learn,” but swimming? When i was 3, I swam like a fish. I don’t remember a summer I wasn’t in the pool. My father was a professional diver in a previous life of his, and he loved taking me to the pool. By 5, I had a perfect dive, and my free style form was starting to look professional. I taught my sister how to swim and dive. And I can’t teach my own children. They refuse to listen to me. They bend their knees. They won’t relax to float on their back. They won’t kick along side the wall no matter how many times I say, “watch mommy, now do this.” They ignore me completely. Yet my oldest, this last summer, without my aid whatsoever, self-taught herself how to swim. She can swim 3/4 the length of the pool without a break. It’s crazy.
Yes! That was me! “They’ll learn to crawl, walk, potty train etc when they’re ready…” but swim? Get in the freakin water! Both my sister-in-law and her husband are excellent swimmers and both lifeguarded in college. I’m sure that added to my panic. Oh if only you and I had a chance to peek into the future ‘eh? We’d have saved ourselves a lot of grief.
What a wonderful story. You wrote in the beginning that she was a lifeguard and a swim coach but it was nice seeing it come back around to that after see how she started out. My son took an embarrassing long time to be able to ride a bike. He didn’t want the training wheels off. He actually had to graduate because of his size to a bigger bike and we had to put training wheels on them also. When we said this is the day the training wheels come off – no he still didn’t get it. But one day he finally did and rode his bike like he had BEEN riding on two wheels.
Thank you for sharing that Kenya. It’s so hard as a parent to watch that and not get frustrated. The fact that you got him another bike and put the wheels on it is great. Was that hard?
Yes it was. I know I wrote at least two posts about it. I think one was while he was on training wheels and one when he finally got it. But yes – his training wheels had a sound effect and I felt like everyone was looking out their window to see who was dragging a shovel across the pavement. At least one neighbor came out and said, “Yay Christopher when they finally saw him riding without them.”
Oh man Kenya that must have been tough. I would have felt the same and am SO happy for you that he’s now cycling like a pro. Good for him!
Well Kelly knowing your daughter it is surprising of her initial fear of the water. Our little darling S was a wee fish for quite awhile then it happened. Fear!! Of the water and her shadow within. Several private lessons and a wonderful daycare provider who played flashlight shadows with the kids her fear subsided. While she was never a competator in the pool she to this day loves swimming.
I think the lessons were not for swimming but rather one of the first of many life lessons on overcoming obstacles big or small. Silly me, I thought it was us parents whom taught the lessons!! Lets not share that secret with them ok.
Oh Janice this lesson is so, so true. It is about our kids teaching US how to deal with obstacles. Love that you got S private lessons. M always recommends them to parents of her reluctant swimmers. Why didn’t I think of that? Could have saved a lot of sleepless nights. Just typikel.
LOVE THIS SO MUCH!! My little Abby for the VERY first time ever, put her face under this past summer (heading into 1st grade) and taught herself to swim. She was NEVER even willing to even think about it before. Like you, it totally panicked me!
Am cracking at your sweet girl making sure you understood that she would not be getting a cookie!! HA HA HA!!-Ashley
It’s at times like this that I really think moms should be given “peek into the future” gadgets Ashley. Dads don’t seem to stress over this stuff in the same way. Just a peek to see our kids plunging merrily underwater. And not drowning. Imagine the sleep we’d get! Love that Abby taught herself to swim and totally feel your HUGE relief! Magical.
First of all, you know I always LOVE your stories, no matter what they are. But this one in particular was so relatable to me! Swim lessons were hellish for my oldest. She didn’t really get on board with them until she was 5 or 6. The 3 and 4 year old ones were a joke. We had to quit- what’s the point of forcing a reluctant child? And you are so right- nobody’s going to be hurling a terrified child into the pool these days. 🙂
Thanks Stephanie. It would have been helpful to have a support group “parents of reluctant swimmers” then. As she was my first I lost all perspective. A good wine/whine fest would have been just the ticket.
Great story, as usual! I enjoyed the mental imagery, which reminded me in part of my youngest boy (the oldest one looooooves the water). Glad to see that your girl is now competing; perhaps there is hope for son #2 after all!
BTW, what’s a keener? I’m guessing what it must mean, but I’ve never run across that word before.
Oh there’s hope for him Anna! There’s hope! Hang in there. Smiling over your “keener” reference. It’s someone who’s up for something. Someone who’s keen to try. Is that along the lines of your expectation?
Agonized wih you, Kel. But when I chucked your sister in, I had arranged for the lifeguard to be in the pool to receive her – and it worked! When you live by the ocean, your kids MUST learn to swim. However, I shall never forget the shrieks from all the moms on the benches – or their horrified looks directed my way. Today, I blush…..
This story is emblazoned in my memory bank Mom. I can so understand why you did it. I was sooooooo tempted …
Well done Kelly, so hard to believe that your daughter , who lifeguards and has completed triathalons was ever afraid of the water !!
For you maybe Jane. For you. For me I remember it SO well. Those blue eyes staring into mine, that rigid jaw set and her pinioned arms. Shudder! Had you told me that she’d be teaching at this very same pool in 14 years I think I would have howled with laughter.
Kelly, while reading your story I fondly (now) remembered my oldest son’s first swim lessons. He would not get in. I was so frustrated. I had schlepped him there, it was hot, I had a baby in tow… it was all I could do NOT to throw him in and watch him sink or swim! I continued to experience that frustration with my other kids at other activities (gymnastics, soccer, ballet) – all of which they initially said they wanted to do, and then sat on the sidelines watching. Today, they all love the water, swim like they are fish, play soccer, dance, shoot baskets etc etc. As you rightly say, all in their own time! Thank you for sharing your fabulous story – you are the best story-teller ever! (and I love this FTSF topic :))
Yes! That’s exactly how it was for me too! Oh man if we only could see into the future ‘eh? It’ll turn out fine but on their terms!
I love it! Plus, it’s encouraging to me because my son has not passed (as in flunked) three of the mommy and me swim lessons so far. I need to get him into a new program, because, like you, I worry about when he’s 50, peering into the sea, getting bumped… sigh. Thanks so much for your sentence this week, Kelly!
Oh I’m right there with you Kristi urging him on. Maybe try a different pool? New experience with Mom? Hang in there.
As soon as I read the title of this post I knew I would love it! Oh Kelly, our daughters were cut from the very same cloth! I had a very, very similar experience with my daughter when she was 3. We had been going to the public pool every single summer day since she was a baby and she always loved splashing in the shallow waters of the kiddie pool and enjoyed when I would carry her and her water wings into deeper waters to bob up and down. But when it was finally time for that first swim lesson she took a few minutes assessing the situation then ever so neatly spread out her beach towel on the pool deck and sat herself down to watch the class rather than participate in the class. She later said, “Mom you are a good swimmer. You can teach me to swim.” Fast forward and, although she never swam competitively, my girl is like a fish in water and loves every second of it!
Excellent and hilarious post, my friend!
Thank you Mo for sharing the exact same experience! Wasn’t it horrid? And look at them now. I laughed out loud at the vision of your girl spreading out her beach towel poolside. Oh man. Classic. Thank you. Does my heart good to read this.
Kelly I am so happy you shared this. My seven year old still doesn’t know how to swim and it is started to get me nervous. He’s taken a number of swim lessons but it just hasn’t clicked. I’m hoping it “just not his time.” Right?
BTW – I some how commented on the wrong post! Sorry.
Perfectly something I would do – comment on the wrong post! Love it.
And yes he WILL get it. It will click. Have you tried goggles? Made a world of difference to my girl. Maybe a private lesson or two? My daughter recommends this for her reluctant swimmers now. Wish I’d thought of it. Or maybe try and find a pal who also doesn’t click with swimming. That really helped in our situation. Hang in there Mom.
Wow – love that once she got in (thrown in) she loved it!!!
My boys were both reluctant learners – the thing that finally did it was our first trip to Hawaii. We were going at the end of the summer and every time we went to the pool I told the boys if they didn’t learn to swim they couldn’t surf. They were fish by the end of the summer!!!
Such a brilliant tactic. The perfect “carrot”, no?
No kids here, but I do remember my own swimming “lessons.” They consisted mostly of my dad gleefully tossing me off the dock into the bay, me bobbing to the surface sputtering, because somehow I missed the part about not laughing while under water, dog paddling to have it all done again while my mother screeched, “Leo!” (that was my dad), stop that. You’ll frighten her.” Luckily my dad ignored her and I’ve always loved the ocean. However, I never really swam in it, just attempted to body surf, succeeded in being routinely pummeled and had an all-around good time. I’m sad to say that I do it much less often than I’d like these days because somehow, in my old age, the ocean has become much, much colder with much, much larger waves. 🙂
Now this is just such a great story Linda. Love that you were giggling under the water and all the while your mom is shrieking at your dad to stop. My daughter grew up loving pools and like many of her fellow swim club pals was afraid of the ocean – or basically what lived inside the ocean. So this summer she signed up for open water lessons and at the end of it did a 3 k swim in English Bay here in Vancouver. Loved it. I should get back in the ocean – haven’t for a while.
What a great story Kelly – and I snorted with laughter at your drowning-on-a-cruise-ship-potential worry. I have to say I admire her stubbornness though – the cookie bribe would have worked for me forever. 🙂
OH she is blessed with healthy scoops of stubborness from both her late dad and me. Mind you I don’t think I’m stubborn. Nope. Although my mom, sister, brother, late father and multiple friends might suggest otherwise …
Oh my word, the SWIM LESSONS! I had the boy who refused to get his face wet until he was 6 years old. Never mind that we did Baby and Me swimming, Toddler and Me swimming, and all that blowing bubbles crap for years and years. The goggles (actually the giant swim mask that covered his nose) and semi-private lessons with another boy who refused to get his face wet finally, finally did the trick. He does not love swimming now, but can swim to shore if the boat he’s on ever sinks!
Meanwhile the daughter took to swimming right away at age 4. My little fish.
Go figure!?!?
Oh this made me grin. Yes! Not the only mother in the world with stories of reluctant swimmers. Man alive I applaud you for your efforts. So glad the giant swim mask (my daughter gets swimmers with those every now and then) and semi-privates worked. Because really in the end you just want them to be able to swim to shore when that boat sinks, right?
My dad was a WSI so he jumped in WITH me. I never looked back. I am still the one who will get in the water and stay there. 😀 Glad your daughter found out the joy.
So blessed to have a WSI dad. I do think that makes a difference. Enjoy your swims!
I hated swimming lessons. Grindstone Lake was exceptionally cold, I couldn’t see, and at that tender age, for whatever reason, I couldn’t float. I eventually learned how to drag myself through the water, but never really came to enjoy swimming. (Nowadays I can float thanks to more fat.)
Smiled when I read the name of the lake and that you hated swimming lessons there. My son struggled with floating too - apparently (he now tells me) it's all to do with the angle of the head tilt. Who knew?I am so thankful that my kids have taken to water like I have. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t like the water. My son scared me once. We were at the pool with some friends. When I turned around he was at the deep end. This was not unusual because he would often sit on the edge and slide into the water. Yet this time was different. He jumped. I wasn’t pool ready, but I watched carefully as I moved closer to see what he did next. He came up to the surface laughing and swam to the far end of the pool. I realized I wasn’t breathing and took a big breath. The excitement, fear and anxiety all rolled into about 10 seconds. Glad I don’t have to do it again… well, with this one.
Oh April my heart was in my throat reading this. I’m so glad he bobbed up happily. Reminded me of when my daughter was two and we were at an indoor pool. I was in the water with her and she suddenly plunged down. Didn’t come back up. I swooped down and there she was arms folded, sitting on the bottom of the pool. Not moving. Wouldn’t have come back up had I not reached for her. Scary. I was ever so vigilant after that.
I am your daughter! I was afraid of the water until 7th grade. So, I made sure to give my kids swim lessons–I took them underwater when they were 6 months old. They both later joined swim teams and my daughter was on a traveling competitive surf team. When I heard about the big waves she surfed in Hawaii, well I was a little scared (Yikes!)
Kelly, I love reading about your family swim team adventures. It brings back such fun and wonderful memories. And the humor, gosh–I especially love being here for the laughter.
Such a good mom Susan to ensure that your children were comfortable in the water! Oh I’ve seen those Hawaiian waves and man they are quite something. Especially on the north shore of Oahu. Your daughter must have amazing stories. Mind you, those stories are ones I like to hear upon completion. Sometimes LONG after completion.
Thank you for popping in as often as you do. I often write away with the odd giggle bubbling up thinking “oh Susan will get this little gem I hope…”
This could apply to potty training too. Push too hard before they are ready, and you may as well bang your head against the wall. Although I personally will do pretty much anything for a big cookie.
I know, right? I was blown away by her determined and decidedly steely “I won’t be having a big cookie tomorrow…”
My mom “learned’ by being pushed off the dock. 20+ years later she wouldn’t let us go past our knees at the beach if she was the only adult on duty! Good for you for having the patience to wait until your girls was ready to swim on her own
Oh but it was a tough, tough time I have to say. I honestly thought she’d never learn. The trick was to keep that bit of motherly worry from her!
I was a kid who hated getting her face wet too. As an adult I was never a strong swimmer until I had a talk with myself. I asked, “What, exactly, are you afraid of?” And then I realized that I had options, reviewed with myself what they were, (“stop and stand up”, “tread water”, “roll over and swim on your back”) and gave myself permission to use them.
Suddenly swimming was easier and less exhausting. But it took me until I was close to 40 to figure it out.
Kate – thanks for sharing this. It’s so cool that you gave yourself permission to learn to swim. Wonderful. I was once on a very tricky, narrow path on a hike high up in the mountains. We came across a fellow who was frozen in fear and this meant we had to step out into the air and swing our legs past both him and the kind pair who were talking him through it. They were using soothing words and it worked. He got going again. I was so impressed both with them and with him.
I didn’t learn to swim until I was 13 yrs old….scared to death of the water I was and I have to admit I still am not fond of the ‘deep end’….LOL! My son…took to it like a fish…not an ounce of fear! He met most of life’s challenges that way….no fear….straight on…..which left me with no fingernails and hoping we didn’t have to make yet another trip to the emergency room! LOL!
Oh Debbie you make me smile. “No fingernails…” I’ll bet you’ve got stories. Did any of them come out at his wedding?
My first three all learned to swim like fish with ease, no swimming lessons necessary, we lived in Florida where everyone, including us, had a pool. 🙂 Fast forward to Michigan, where we sadly (scratch that, that’s not nice) live now and my 7-yr. old on his 3rd round of swimming lessons still has a hard time. On our summer trip to Disney this year, he proudly told us all to, ‘watch this!’ He ran to the edge of the pool like he was going to jump right in, and then gently, while holding onto the wall so he didn’t get his face wet,, landed in the water. hahhaaha So glad dad got that on video tape. He’ll laugh someday. 😉 Like you said, he’s just not ready yet, and that’s fine. He’ll get there. 🙂
Oh Rosey he sounds like an absolute gem. He proudly alerts you all to the jump, dashes over and then gently slips in? Yes,so,so great dad got that on video. Hope Mickey and Minnie were nearby watching and cheering! I so wish I had a video of my son learning to skate. He was 3 and so proud of himself. You could tell he honestly thought he was whipping about the ice but he was actually doing a slow, ever so slow, shuffle. Think Tim Conway on the Carol Burnett show. He’d just make it to the “snowbox” (where he fellow skaters had been for the past 20 minutes) only to hear the instructor sing “Ok class over! Bye!” I try to convey to him now (at 19 – how did that happen?) how funny it was but he can’t quite get it. Oh to have a video!
Forgot to say I’m visiting from Coach’s place where I saw you featured today. 🙂
How wonderful! Lovely to meet you Rosey. Thanks for stopping by and for leaving a comment. Two even!