Blessings post widowhood? What?
Ok, I won’t deny it. When my husband John died, it was pure hell. You know that awful feeling when you keep hoping you’ll wake up and realize it’s only a nightmare? That was a constant for me back then. This larger than life character, who was such an involved father to our two young children, was unexpectedly gone. Poof. Suddenly, all of the parenting of our 16-month old boy and three year-old girl fell solely to me.
My first thoughts? Doubt that I was up to the challenge. Bless them, despite being crushed by their own grief, friends and family rallied to my side with endless offers of childcare, prepared meals, and sympathetic ears. Sadly, none could give me the one thing I needed. John. After a two-decade seesaw battle, he’d finally succumbed to the complications of Crohn’s Disease at 38.
However I had one miraculous blessing in my corner. John’s fervent wish that our children’s lives not be defined by his untimely death. This was a blessing? Yes. I knew innately that this man would expect nothing less. It wasn’t his choice to leave us; he’d give anything to still be here. As the one left behind, it was up to me to not mess up our kids. I couldn’t let him down. If I did? I’d negate everything he accomplished during his time here on earth. Add in the wee reality that he’d also somehow reach out and smote me should I fail and I was fully committed.
Blessings Post Widowhood
In the interests of not boring you to tears space, let’s fast forward to this summer and check in on my charges.
Our three-year old?
She’s all grown up. Having graduated with a BA in Geography this June, our girl is set to leap into a year of travel; a welcome respite from four years of studying, papers and exams. Lucky me, she’s home now for a brief spell.
Her top priority? Dealing with this delight.
My gal dove into the task with incredulity that I’d allowed our front steps to fall into this god forsaken state unbridled enthusiasm.
After three days of scraping, TSPing, drying and rain delays … I am thrilled to present:
Our 16 month-old?
Also all grown up. Until last week, I’d not seen him since Christmas. He’s just returned from a life-changing three-month college internship stint in remote villages in Kenya. That was quite the test for me. A college across the country is one thing, a placement almost 9000 miles from home is another thing entirely. Even Poppy, our six year-old rescued border collie cross, was ecstatic when he suddenly appeared in the airport parking lot.
Yes, having both children home at the same time, even if it is only for two weeks, is a real treat. Between you and me, I wish they’d stay here forever. Yet, I wouldn’t ever ask them to stay. No, my job of ensuring that they weren’t singularly damaged by the early demise of their dad is done. It’s time for our fledglings to fly.
John, I thank you for your unspoken blessing. I think you’d be rather enjoy our two. Don’t get me wrong – they can still incite sibling battles worthy of their best childhood efforts but on the whole they’re pretty sound.
And me? How am I doing?
With those years of full on parent duty now behind me, I’m free to concentrate on my other passion. Writing. I’m crafting a memoir of the ten years working with Francine (now 93 and still full of piss and vinegar) in her asian antiques and collectibles shop. Antiques Warehouse meets Auntie Mame meets James Herriot. I’m blessed to possess ten years of detailed store journals and Mum’s diaries. They’ve unearthed a wealth of long forgotten memories, ranging from the hilarious to the poignant and inconceivable. It’s taken me four months but I’m finally finished reading through all 20. Twice.
62 Responses
Oh Kelly no doubt John would be very proud of the job you’ve done and the amazing people your kids have become. Good job Mom/Mum. 🙂
Thanks so very much, Katy. It’s been quite the journey but somehow our two survived. My daughter is as thoughtful as her dad and my son has his sense of humour. I’m truly blessed.
How happy you must be to have both of your babies home! Even if it’s just for a little while, before they are off again.
Blessings sometimes do take time to come to light. When life gives you lemons…you raise two amazing kids anyway. Xoxo
It’s wonderful having them both home, Dana. If only I could put this time on hold. Ah well, with each day that passes we’re getting closer to the day we’re back together again.
Excellent post…your John is for certain proud of the people your children have become…I can’t wait to read your book. I have been trying to finish a book since 2011…keep on writing!
Thanks so much for reading, Beemie. I do appreciate it and your kind comments and encouragement. Now get back to your book, girl. The world awaits it!
Your kids are lucky to have such a positive and determined force in the their lives, Kelly. The stairs look fantastic, by the way (what a nice daughter your raised to do this for you :-)). Congrats on the read finish on journals and diaries. That must have been a major trip through memory lane. I’m here if you need anything.
I’ve got you on speed dial, Nanette. Thank you SO very much. You’ve no idea how comforting that is. And yes, the stairs are wonderful now. I should like to eat dinner on them. So far, I’ve managed to stop myself from shouting out the neighbours ” Sorry you had to look at such a dreadful nightmare for so long!” Just.
Reading about your parenting experience which is so different and so similar in other ways to mine is always so inspiring. You write so lovingly and respectfully of John and it sounds like you’ve raised your children exactly as he would have wanted you to. As for that memoir, I wish I could read it now.
Oh, thanks,Katia. That’s very kind. It’s been quite the journey and I’d do it all again in a heartbeat. I’m still dealing with the reality that our two are now young adults. How did that happen so quickly?
Kelly, John would be so very proud of the two wonderful young people you have raised. As I have had the pleasure of becoming friends with you in the past number of years, you have always inspired me. Your grit, determination, lack of self pity , empathy and humour have made me strive to be a better parent ( and I am not doing it alone).
How very kind, Jane. Thank you. I’ve had my moments (as M and H can well attest) but on the whole, I’d do it again in a heartbeat. You and I are both blessed with wonderful children. I look forward to seeing them continue to blossom.
What a lovely post – I thoroughly enjoyed it. I too am sure John is proud and happy with the outcome. I’ve known you were a widow and became one when you children were small. It was nice to get this insight into what it must have been like. I am so so so looking forward to you book! I’m so glad journals were kept and notes were made.
I’m so very lucky that the journals were kept, Vickie. They’ve been a true godsend. And thank you for your kind words. They mean the world to me.
Kelly, I have always admired your strength. You have amazing children, and your writing is so real that even in this piece you bring a smile to may face while tears stream down! I can’t wait to read the book.
Aw, Janice, thank you. I cried when I wrote it. It’s been 20 years now and at times, it still feels like just yesterday.
Kelly, you’ve done a fantastic job, and your wonderful kids are a proof of it. John must be so proud! I’m so lucky to have you as a friend since I couldn’t ask for a better role model. Cannot wait to see your book on shelves among best selers (and read it, of course).
Bless you, Iva. Your kind words mean more to me than you know. I treasure our friendship and look forward to seeing how our 5 kids’ lives unfold.
Your writings bless and inspire me, and pick me up more times than you can imagine. So grateful that my path crossed yours on a FB group 🙂
Joy
What a very kind comment, Joy. Thank you. I am delighted that my words have touched you. Truly.
Lovely post, lovely person. What a joy it must be to have such a beautiful spirited person for a mom. (I mean both you and your mom!)
Aw, thank you, Jen. Am just off a weekend stay with Mum at my sister’s cabin up the coast. You’ll be pleased to know that she conducted two art lessons and all of us participated with surprising enthusiasm. Water colours are rather fun. Who knew?
Good God Kelly. I’ve been a reader for a few years and had no idea your husband was so young when he died. I am so very sorry. I’m at a loss. But u do believe he would be very proud of all if you?
He was young, Allie, however he sure packed in a lot of life in the 23 years post diagnosis. Ski patrolling, graduating from high school and college, snaring me … Ha! An amazing guy, only his closest friends had any idea he had the disease. Yes, I do think he’d be rather proud of us all. I like to think of him cheering us on from the sidelines.
I’ve come to believe that everything, both good and bad, happens in our lives for a reason. Your family is certainly proof of that.
Aw thank you, Kathy. I’m coming around to that belief that everything happens for a reason as well.
Ack, this hit me so hard! As you know, I was writing about my father’s death at 36. My life has not been defined by his death, although it wasn’t a wish of his because he was gone so so suddenly and I don’t think he ever even considered that it might happen! I love that John wanted that and that you rose to it.
I will say that my life has been defined by survival, though, and finding true joy despite pain.
So I guess it all worked out.
Your kids.. You! All so lovely.
Thank you, Tamara. Yes, you get it. I am sorry that your father was taken so suddenly. Man, that’s hard. What a shock. Here’s to finding true joy through all the pain.
Kelly, just WOW! Look at your babies all grown up and off Being their own people, and Doing their own lives! I kind of think that’s the pinnacle of parenthood, even if it’s terrifying, and judging by the evidence you’ve done a fabulous job and will hopefully be spared all any any smitings! I hope John can see what an amazing influence he was, and how his wished blessed you and your children through your hard work and determination.
CAN’T WAIT TO READ YOUR BOOK! Love that it’s a bit like James Herriot (one of my faves) – I hope you find loads and loads of time and space to writeandwriteandwrite!
As to blessings in my life? Family and friends. All I need right now. Maybe ever.
Thanks for your kind words, Lizzi. I do hope John is able to have front seat viewing. I like to think he is. And yes, give me quality family and friends and I’m good to go. May we both continue to be blessed.
You are incredibly strong and brave—I have the utmost respect for you!
Aw, thank you so very much, Marcia. That’s very kind of you. Although, I’m sure my two would say I have my moments where perhaps I’m quite something … Ah well, they’ll have lots of material for the future should they decide to write a book …
Aw! I love this so much. Blessings really do come where we’re not expecting them and John would be so proud. I love that you’re writing and that your mom is a part of it. She’s such a character and you are amazing. My son is seven and I don’t know what I’d do if … well, I can’t even type it. Although I guess we all do what we must and YAY to both of your babies being home for the moment. <3
Thanks, Kristi. Can’t believe the T is seven now. Man alive, where does time go? And yes, may you NEVER have to type beyond “I don’t know what I’d do if …”
Here via Lizzi. This was a beautiful read. Thank you.
How very kind of you to pop in and leave a comment. I do appreciate it. Thank you for your kind words.
Aw Kelly , this was a heart tugging read!! You have always inspired (blessed am I to be witness to you and your wonderful kids – ummm I mean adults). John I am certain is beeming with pride the amazing job you did raising your family. Truly you could gush a whole lot more , they are AMAZING people you have raised. Like you say they will venture away but to quote Oz ” there is no place like home.”
As H leaves tomorrow after being home for less than two weeks, I shall take HUGE comfort from “there’s no place like home.” Thank you, Janice.
I can’t wait to read that book, sweets.
Bless you, Elly.
What an incredible force you are Kelly, and I have nothing but respect for you for how you navigated the intense heartbreak of widowhood when you were so young. What wonderful kids you’ve raised.
I love the photo of you poring over your research materials – how fun it must be to be reading those old records. Can’t wait for the news you’ve published your book!
Thank you, Deborah. I do appreciate that. When I look back, I am absolutely amazed at how quickly the time flew by. And it really is such a godsend to have all those journals and diaries. I had no idea how much I’ve forgotten. Now if I can only find our trip diaries I’ll be all set. Fingers crossed.
A most courageous post – cannot wait to read the adventures of Auntie Mame, James Herriot and the mysterious delivery man.
Truly heartfelt. ‘Nuff said.
Thanks, Wend. Can’t tell you how much it warms my heart to read this.
This was the most precious post ever! The pictures of your grown kids (the backs of them) nearly made me cry, because it was like a time machine and it made me wonder how all those years as a single, windowed mother truly were for you. I love how this is sort of a letter to your late husband, and your perspective with humor and love. I can just imagine how crazy good it feels to have both kids under your roof, for a short time. We have to let the soar don’t we? I have a feeling I’m going to want mine to come back and live with me forever, too. Right now, they’re 15, 13 and 10, so occasionally I fantasize about an empty nest, but it quickly gets taken over by anxiety about the thought of it. Thanks for sharing Kelly. I really enjoyed stopping by.
Thank you so very much for this heartwarming comment. Means the world to me. As I type this, my son is in the kitchen cooking breakfast with two friends who have made a special effort to see him before he leaves (3 hours to go!) I will miss him terribly however the saving grace is he’s asked that I head out again for Canadian Thanksgiving weekend, which has become a tradition since my two were in college. That’s not so very far away! Grinning here over your comment that you fantasize once or twice about the empty nest. I so remember doing that. 15, 13 and 10 is wonderful. I am jealous. Pressing the “hold button” for ya!
I saved reading this post for a time that I could sit with a cup of coffee and a kleenex. As the daughter of someone also left a widow with young children in her mid-thirties, I know this story all too well – from the perspective of your kids. When my dad died, my mom was faced with the choice of letting the tragedy crush her or choosing to overcome her heartache for the benefit of the children. Of course, it wasn’t easy. You know that. Losing the love of your life when you’ve barely had a chance to start your journey together? The cruelest twist of fate. But, you, like my mom, chose to live the life that your beloved expected of you. In honor of them. You both have done an extraordinary job filling the role of two parents, raising some pretty terrific kids (if I do say so myself!) and making your late husbands very, very proud, indeed. XXXXOOOO
Picturing you with a coffee and kleenex. I had both with me when I wrote this post, to be honest. Thank you for sharing your mom’s story, Mo. It is very similar to mine. She must get such joy out of seeing how well not only you and your siblings turned out but your children and grandchildren! As I type this, my son is in the kitchen making breakfast with two friends. The appointed time for his departure for the airport is now past (no worries, we’ve still time) and it is so refreshing to hear him orchestrate the speeding up of the cooking and serving. I don’t need to step in at all. They do grow up. Please give my very best to your mom when you next see her.
Aww… Sis… I bet John looks down on you and your children from heaven with a big ol’ smile on his face and pride in his heart. You’ve done a fabulous job. Now, I can’t wait til you finish your book, sell it, and come to Mass. for a book signing. I can tell everyone that I knew her when…
Have a great week.
Well if that isn’t inspiration enough for me to get going on this book, I don’t know what is. Thanks, Sis. Can I pop over for a wine or 6?
What a beautiful share about your beautiful family!! You did it and much more….living up to the task of fulfilling your husband’s wishes. Beautiful, beautiful family!
Thank you so very much for these kind words, Elda.
You had a huge job and you’ve done it fantastically. It’s amazing to get a glimpse of the adults that they’re turning into. Mine are 27 and 24 and yes they still fight!
Ha! Love to hear that yours still fight, Rena. Honestly, the more things change, the more they stay the same,’eh?
Here’s hoping your book turns out well. Decent sales would also be good, of course.
Thank you, Scott.
I love, love your point of view. May you have many blessings in the years to come.
What a lovely thing to wish for me. Thank you, Carol. I wish the same for you.
Kelly you have done an amazing job and always seem to have a smile on your face. Your kids are happy and well adjusted – better than many in two parent families. It has been my pleasure to know all of you.
Bonnie
How very kind. Thanks Bonnie. Lovely to have you popping in and leaving a comment, too.
Certainly, what a blessing our kids are!!
I’m so excited to know the premise of your book! So looking forward to reading it!
Thank you, Roshni.