A holiday nightmare indeed.
I forgot the one thing she specifically asked me to bring on Christmas morning.
Since the death of my dad in 2006, Santa happily leaves a stocking for my mom at our house. As the dog dander infusion at our home instantly results in pneumonia like wheezing, my 91-year-old mom can’t stay overnight so we bring it to her on Christmas morning. After watching her unwrap her stocking stuffers, we exchange a few gifts, eat a light lunch and then settle into a movie prior to going to my sister’s for dinner.
Ever cognizant of that one time oversight concerning the figgy pudding she’s always somewhat concerned I’ll forget something.
I never have. Until this year when I forgot the movie.
The problem with forgetting the movie is that Mom has a low tolerance for “time-wasting drivel.” Loath to watch “just anything” or download “bothersome Netflix” it’s imperative that my two teenagers and I select the right movie for her from our own collection. One that is witty, both well written and well acted and one she doesn’t remember seeing before.
It’s not that she won’t watch a movie twice. It’s just that the rest of us are subjected to endless running commentary. “I remember now! He falls and breaks his legs in about five minutes, doesn’t he? The plane is going to crash, right? Of course, he chokes on an apple! Remember?”
After careful contemplation we’d chosen the perfect 2013 candidate. John Candy and the Jamaican bobsled team’s Winter Olympic adventure “Cool Runnings.”
Unfortunately, today it was still at home on the kitchen counter. Too late to go back home and retrieve it, we’d have to acquire a replacement. On Christmas Morning. Can you say “A holiday nightmare?”
Faced with the reality of a positive dearth of the recently prevalent video rental shops I cursed the existence of Netflix and other online cheap rental options.
“Calm down Mom. Video stores wouldn’t even be open on Christmas Day.”
My 18 and 19-year-old weren’t too positive about my clever suggestion of the nearest gas station.
“You’ve got to be joking Mom. They only sell lighters and cheezies.”
Nor were they particularly receptive to the concept of a convenience store.
“Nope – they only stock things like ketchup flavoured potato chips and lottery tickets.”
Good lord. Would we have to watch the festive loop of the roaring fire logs on my mother’s tv for the next four hours?
In order to fully experience this gem that runs each November to January, Mom plays it at full volume. The resulting booms of crackling pops and sizzling hisses that would be so soothing in real life are bone jarringly loud and intrusive to all, except my acclimatized mother. My two would go mad and she’d fall asleep. Not conducive to a really special Christmas afternoon I shouldn’t think.
We had to pick up a replacement movie. Somehow, somewhere.
I deliberately drove along the most commercialized streets. Of course, all department stores and bookstores were dark. My only hope lay with a drugstore.
Shockingly, ten minutes from our destination we had a Christmas miracle. Shopper’s Drug Mart was open for business.
My son and I leapt out at the curb, leaving my daughter to catch a few needed winks guard the coveted stocking and its contents.
“Movies? Have you movies?” I barked at the startled clerk.
She pointed in the direction of the elevator.
Our holiday nightmare was to be averted. Or so I thought.
The choices on offer were but four: Fast and Furious 6, Man of Steel, Wimbledon and Parenthood. The first two were quickly eliminated due to their potential for violence; my mom’s not big on that. With Wimbledon’s propensity to romance a nonstarter for my son, we settled on Parenthood.
It had a lot going for it. Steve Martin, Mary Steenburgen, Diane Wiest, Rick Moranis, Jason Robards etc. not to mention the fact that it was directed by Ron Howard. Its cover blurb of “This 1989 feel-good ensemble comedy tracks a quartet of suburban siblings and their families over the course of a single summer” sealed the deal.
Perfect. Mom needn’t know I’d left our movie at home. Best of all, she’d love Parenthood.
Not twenty minutes in and my darling mother was giving it both thumbs down.
The multiple subplots were a bit too much for her to follow. Even with the volume cranked high. Personally, I found myself puzzling over the family rating. It was more than a tad sexually explicit. My bellowing descriptions of the plot to my curious mother became fodder for endless amusement to my children.
“THAT GUY WAS THE ONE HIDING UNDER THE BED FROM HIS TEENAGED GIRLFRIEND’S MOTHER! ”
When the dialogue strayed to “self pleasuring” I excused myself to replenish the drinks.
Note to self: Two notes on the backdoor next Christmas morning. “Bring the figgy pudding” will now be paired up with “bring the movie.”
Just typikel.
Enough about me and a holiday nightmare. I’m curious about you! Did everything flow smoothly for you or did you encounter a hiccough or two over the holidays? If you’d care to share, I’d love to hear.
24 Responses
Kelly your Christmas adventure could be the beginnings of one of those holiday comedies my kids love so much!
Really? This is but the tip of the bucket Belinda. So many stories I could tell!
Oh good lord I just laughed so hard!! Sounds like a typical family event haha. This Christmas with my in-laws was actually pretty smooth even moreso than usual. Guess Santa gave us a special present of a smooth holiday this year.
I’d say so Tiffany. You were blessed!
I’m sure you WON’T forget ever again!
I set my purse on the island and pile things on top of it that I need to take with me.
I love that idea Kathy. Normally I pile my purse on top of the stuff I need to take – that’s my mistake. I’ll try it your way.
Being a bit scatterbrained, I need to give myself EVERY advantage I can!
Me too! Fire off any more tips you’ve got. I’d love to hear them.
I loved Parenthood! Your mom’s a tough customer. We watch Elf every Christmas, or the day after. On Christmas day one tv station airs 24 hours of A Christmas Story, and we watch that too. Adolescent humor seems to be our thing!
Elf is the best, no? SO many great quotes from it too. “World’s best cup of coffee…” “The best way to spread Christmas Cheer, is singing loud for all to hear.” “We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns and syrup.” Oh don’t get me started, I’ll be making a list …
Oh that is too funny Kelly ! Sounds just like something I would do . I know how hard it is to come up with a multi generational movie !!
We went to see Saving Mr. Banks which was popular all round. If you haven’t seen it yet I highly recommend it. Anywho, after one of the trailers finished I overheard the little girl sitting bhind me say at the exact same time my mom said it: “Now I’d like to see that.” So there’s another multi generational movie! Now, if only I could remember the name of the movie they were referring to …
I love your writing style, Kelly. Glad it all turned out!
Cindy
P.S. Is it a secret how you got the fireplace on your blog? Love it!
Thank you Cindy. No secret – cool though, eh? You just google gifs and find one you like and download it as if it’s an ordinary photo. Now that I’ve written that I am gobsmacked at how much I have learned over the last year. Wow. No way I would have known that even 2 months ago…
Cool Runnings was a great choice! I appreciated Parenthood after I watched it without my Dad present. One Christmas, we ate frozen pizza purchased at a convenience store on Christmas day.
That’s the secret I think – watch without the parents. I’ve done the frozen pizza before on Valentine’s Day but never Christmas.
Holy, holy guacamole! What a story! I’m sorry to laugh over your Christmas Day calamity but I just can’t help it! All I could think about was other movies that I thought would be perfect for an occasion but turned out to be not so. You and I both love Love Actually but there is that one story line that makes it a little awkward to watch with my kids, let alone my mom! I’m certain that you will never again forget the figgy pudding or the movie!
Happy New Year! I miss seeing you every day!
Oh Mo I know just what you mean. I miss your daily visits too! Yes, your “one story line” reference from Love Actually made me smile. I immediately thought of the couple’s response at the concert when they are asked how they met – “Ummmmmmmmm…”
I wish you a very Happy New Year – may it be of exceptionally good vintage.
Gosh, Kelly–can you write. And your life, oh my hilarity! I’ve missed my regular visits to your blog for a daily dose of laughter. (Your life is contending for a Chevy Chase sequel.) Congrats to you and Mo for daily posts. Now for some free time to catch up.
Thank you Susan. My life is a Chevy Chase sequel contender. That is really why I felt impelled to change the “What now” to “Just Typikel”
I am so very glad that we “met” in 2013. Wishing you a 2014 of splendid Wonder Anews.
Too funny. That fire log would drive me nuts too. I’ve watched it before but with the volume off or way down. I certainly don’t want to feel like the house is on fire LOL.
The way my mom has it tuned up HIGH one would think the entire block is on fire. Truly.
I was just grateful that the fire on the TV at my sister’s house was accompanied by a REAL bonfire outside that was oh so much more interesting! But I had to laugh when I saw yours because both my mom and my sister like that too (the TV fire). Hilarious.
I’m not really fond of that tv fire myself. I miss the smell of the smoke!