Happy 2019, Folks!
As we welcome another year, a couple of things have me wondering if it’s time for a new perspective. Time for a new way of looking at things. What got me thinking this way? Two things.
But first, have a gander at this photo.
Hallgrímskirkja
Yes, it’s Hallgrimskirkja, arguably the most famous Lutheran parish church in Reykjavik, Iceland. I took this photo in September and then came home to write the top five reasons to visit Iceland. I know you’re thinking “Nice. Lots of people there and you managed to capture her lovely red scarf.” But no. She’s not my friend. I mean, she could be a lovely person, but I don’t know her. Look closer at the door. See the person in a green jacket? No, not the one with the paper bag. The one standing to stage left of the door. Yes, to the right. THAT’s my pal. When I took this photo with my cellphone I was astonished by how far I had to go to get the majority of the church in. And I didn’t even get the top in. Crikey. When we tumbled out, we had NO idea that it would take us a good 20 minutes to position myself so that I could get two-thirds of the church and a weensy, rather unfortunate shot of my dear friend. Talk about a fresh perspective. Thanks for being so patient, Meems. I owe ya one.
Time For A New Perspective?
So, other than this stellar shot what were the two things that have me lying awake of late?
The first one was a coffee visit with my children’s former swim coach. We’ve not seen each other in at least 6 years. In town visiting family over Christmas, he kindly reached out to me. As we sat down, I was slammed with the reality of ‘How on earth is he 37? Surely it was just yesterday that he was 21?’ But I think managed to skate around that and we had a lovely three-hour catch up. I was interested to learn that he’s no longer involved with swimming (hiking is his true passion) but the thing that resonated the most was his hesitant comment:
“I worry that I was too hard on my swimmers.”
Boom.
Wow. While I can’t speak for the swimmers, as a parent I honestly never would have thought that. Some moms might, but not me. No. He couldn’t have been a better role model. It’s been almost 10 years but my memory is so different. My two had him for at least six years from when they were six and seven. My memory is of him being a skilled leader, a chap that was ever observant and always positive. I particularly remember how not one of his swimmers ever wanted to let him down.
Yet, here he was, a decade later, worrying that he’d been a poor coach. I sincerely hope I managed to change his perspective.
Another Perspective
It’s always a balancing act raising children. Toss in the death of their father when they’re mere babes and well, damn. Over the past 20 years I’ve smugly prided myself on being rather successful at raising them on my own. Of late, a choice goal was to avoid being a helicopter mom. I really wanted our two to be able to make their own decisions. That was key.
Ok. Fast forward to today’s FaceTime chat with my adult son who’s living in Europe. When he mentioned he took the subway back at 02:00 on January 1st, I foolishly asked:
“Were there any unaccompanied packages on the seats? You are looking out for them, right?”
His stony silence had me launching into babble mode. “I mean, I did teach you street smarts, right?”
While his face could have melted ice, his verbal retort was beyond chilling.
“Mother (‘Mother’? Whoa. He’s serious.) “Your innocent, somewhat vapid ramblings at night whenever we holidayed had me on red alert from when I was little. And toss in that time you and Gaga (our Francine was 89 then) leapt into a stranger’s car for a quick ride back to our San Francisco hotel … and yes, I’ve learned to always be aware. You’re alive because of me.”
HELLO.
What? Me? Vapidly rambling with no awareness of danger? Was he serious? For almost 25 years I’ve sailed on, assuming I’ve been a stellar Street Smart roll model … Talk about a gear shift perspective whammy …
And you thought having teens was interesting …
Just wait.
My life going forward: Deep breath in. Long exhhhhhale …
Enough about me and the time for a new perspective. I’m curious about you. Ever had someone point out a TOTALLY different view? If so, did you adapt or blaze on through? If you’d care to share, I’d love to hear. Truly.
18 Responses
Loved your blog post Kelly. What a gorgeous photo of a stunning and unique church. Love your thoughts on new perspectives. Well done on raising your children on your own for so long after the loss of your husband, no doubt that wasn’t something easy. Also in letting go of being a helicopter Mom well done. I have had to learn that one myself especially in this past year. when my adult son who has autism moved into a residential home. I have done a bit of silent kicking and screaming, lol. Not easy to do.
Happy New Year!! May it be an incredibly awesome year for you. xo
Thank you, Suzanne. You do understand how tricky it can be to keep one’s “suggestions” and thoughts to oneself! And may I say that that blanket you made for your son is magnificent. I’m so inspired by your 100 day creativity challenge, too. I wish you a creative and inspiring 2019.
What an interesting piece Kelly ! Really makes you stop and think. I do find it quite amazing as our children grow up how they can have such a different perspective on certain aspects of their childhoods. You have certainly done a stellar job raising 2 independant, strong and caring young people !
Thank you, Jane. I am comforted by the fact that you also experience these different perspectives with your two. It’s kind of like they’ve suddenly flung open a window and shown you a completely new vista, isn’t it?
I raised two (sons) basically on my own. I thought I had it all planned out. No more shift work and lots of time for creativity and travel. In the blink of an eye I learned about change and adjusting my perspective.
It came in the form of a large SUV hitting me head on as I was going to work. My old perspective did not survive.
My youngest son delayed his moving out to be my part time care giver. He never once complained and yet managed to continue with his own career all while being there for me.
My perspective changed almost daily as I learned what I could and could not do for myself. I had to learn so many things over again. I had to be stubborn enough to not give up on myself and yet be kind to the person I had become. I learned that if I laughed at my mistakes it was easier to grow then if I cried.
Things are better now than they have been. I doubt they will ever get back to my “old” normal. But I don’t need that fight. My new perspective includes a clarity and appreciation of my family and friends. Things that I once thought were important just aren’t anymore. I have a new sense of gratitude. So now when I make a mistake or trip and fall I can smile!
Oh, my goodness, I do thank you for this, Patty. What a sea change for you. Isn’t it extraordinary how one minute life is just toddling along and then suddenly, BOOM? “My old perspective did not survive” says it all. Your personal response to your situation is so empowering and I salute you.
Parenting young adults always challenges my perspective, too! When I was 24 and married, my husband and I went to visit my parents in Washington, DC. We went out one night and were challenged by my dad who needed to know where we were going, when we’d be back, who we’d be with, etc. It was infuriating considering I’d moved away to go to school at 17 and had been on my own in DC on an internship for an entire summer. Our 19 year-old is home from university in Austria. Now it’s Jack’s turn to wander out late and leave me wondering what he’s up to. I’d like to think I’m not the same, overprotective parent my father was.
Another opportunity we’ve had for a new perspective is hosting exchange students. Our current host daughter is from Spain and she’s fond of exclaiming over the most mundane things ever (grocery shopping, going to high school concerts, etc.), “Oh my God, this is the most American thing ever!” Which cracks me up. “Really? THE most American thing,” I’ll ask (because really, she says it all the time), “Well, top ten,” she’ll say.
As your kids are growing up and leaving, your host exchange students will be the ones to continuously tweak your perspective, I suspect. Your Spanish gal has me grinning. Oh my. Perhaps she should consider “top 100 …”
And your Washington experience with your dad is so valuable, Beth. Jack will benefit from it enormously. I bet you find yourself biting back all kinds of questions.
I thought I was a good parent when my children were teenagers, but now that they’re adults we have conversations where I learn I had NO CLUE what was going on back then.
Yes, indeedy, you GET it.
Your photo and accompanying story are fabulous, Kelly. I love them both!
Speaking of photos, is that your two on Jericho Beach?! Or Kits or another? I used to be able to walk to Jericho Beach for some fresh air when I lived on 7th and Alma.
I found your catch-up with the swim coach fascinating. My husband is fully onboard as a youth hockey coach these past 4-5 years. I wonder if he’d be so hard on himself? I hope not. Kudos to you for raising him up.
Good eyes, Katy. Yes, the photo was taken down at Spanish Banks, just west of Jericho. Oooh, I wonder if we were ever down at Jericho at the same time? I used to run and walk down there a lot. Bet we were.
I often wonder about the coaching perspective, actually and if it’s different if you are paid to coach. The soccer coaches of my two were never paid and were always parents. The swim coaches were always young, paid and single. They had to deal with aggressive parents as do the volunteer coaches but I wonder if not being a parent themselves makes coaching harder?
I’m in the throws – age 14. I ask too many questions, warn him to the point of “ruining it” and he’s knows more than me. I
Oh boy, Kenya, you surely are. Big deep breaths, Mama, big deep breaths.
What a gorgeous church! I’ll have to reach out to you for tips when we eventually get to Iceland. As for parenting…I’m finding parenting young adults is the hardest stage yet! That transition between teen and adult is so challenging, and I’m trying to keep my mouth shut much of the time. That’s not my strength…
Half the battle is knowing it’s not your strength, I think. Hang in there, Dana.
Happy 2019 Kelly!! My gosh, it’s been too long since I’ve wandered over here (and I’m sorry for that!). Iceland… WOW! I can’t wait to check out your post about it and that church is INCREDIBLE. My gosh, I can only imagine how majestic it truly was in person.
And that coach? Bless him. It’s amazing how hard we can be on ourselves and question so many things we do- I’m so glad you met with him and hopefully gave him the encouragement and perspective he needed. To think he’s thought that for so long? So sad. It makes me wonder about my own questioning of my past jobs and how I think I could have done so much better… maybe I was actually good enough? We are just SO HARD ON OURSELVES.
And my gosh, that is HILARIOUS what your son said. Bahahahaha…
Thanks for these perspectives and I hope Francine is doing GREAT and keeping busy and staying out of trouble! 😉
Thanks for toddling over and having a read, Chris. Always good to hear from you. Your comments always make me grin and nod and inspire me. As for Francine, she’s just returned home after a week and a half stay in hospital. Talk about inspiration – she’s such a fighter. Thanks for asking about her. I’m seeing her this afternoon and she’ll be tickled pink to hear that.