On this Mother’s Day, I’m doing something very brave for me. I am sharing OUT LOUD a very painful time in my life. How my sister mothered my children when I couldn’t.
How is that brave? Because I find it SO hard to cry in front of people, to let down my guard and bare my soul. It’s far easier for me to be funny than to dig deep and be serious. Always has been. Even writing about sad things is difficult and on the odd occasion that I’ve written about those days when my husband John was dying of Crohn’s Disease I usually sobbed over the keyboard. I couldn’t imagine speaking about it out loud. So, naturally, whenever there was an audition for the chance for me to read one of my stories in front of a group, I always took the easy way and wrote a humorous one.
However, not this time. When Jennifer Scharf of Inside Voice asked for Mother’s Day pieces, I found myself thinking it was time for a change. John’s death was 20 years ago. Time to be brave. So, my heart thumping, I unearthed a piece I wrote two years ago and tweaked it. Then to prepare myself for the recording session, I read it out loud, over 20 times, to my dog Poppy. The first time I couldn’t get past the initial sentence without crying. Poppy, lying on her mat beside me, was the perfect audience as she had no reaction other than to sleep peacefully at my side.
Then Thursday, podcast recording day, arrived and I did final preparations, steeling myself by reading the piece over again an additional 10 times. When 1:00 came, I thought I was ready. However, just to be sure, I gave Jennifer a heads up that I might cry and need to stop. She assured me that was fine and we launched into the recording.
My nails digging into my palms to distract me from the sentiment behind the words, I managed to get to the very last two sentences before breaking down. I asked to stop and Jennifer came back on and, her voice breaking, she assured me it was fine to stop. I steeled myself and tried again. Nope. My throat closed and we had to stop. Big deep breaths, and I barreled through it. Nope. We agreed the reading was completely lifeless and stiff. So, on third attempt I managed it.
This podcast is for you, Sis. Thank you again for mothering our two when I simply couldn’t. Happy Mother’s Day to the pigtailed little gal below who would grow into the best sister one could ask for.
Thank you again, Jennifer Scharf, for being so supportive and for enabling me to do this.
26 Responses
I snuck away on this rainy Mother’s Day from the children running through the house playing with new walkie talkies gleefully, and I listened to your beautiful piece. Tears. Tears at how hard that month must have been, at the recollection of my father’s illness and how hard it must have been on my mother with us five children and no sister to help, and tears at the sweet, sweet gift your sister gave you, space and time and love and care.
Happy Mother’s Day to us all, an enormous village of mothers.
You’ve touched my heart with this lovely comment, Jen and I do thank you for that. It was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do of late. However, I am feeling lighter and more solid after doing that podcast, if that makes any sense. Thank you for stealing away and making time to listen. That means the world to me. You brought tears to my eyes as I learned about the situation your own mother went through, all without a sister as backup. I can’t imagine. Wishing you the Happiest of Mother’s Days.
I’ve always admired your strength in talking about John. Not knowing the inner battle you were going through to me on the outside it just sounded like you were able to remain very composed talking about it. I understand that you were using humour as a defense mechanism. I started my blog as a humour blog and pretty consistently featured funny posts until I dug deeper, as you put it. Funnily enough it’s now become increasingly difficult for me to write funny, but this is not about me. I look forward to listening to your podcast, Kelly (it’s always so interesting when you know through the bologosphere gain more dimensions). Thank you for sharing something so personal!
I am very interested to hear that it is increasingly difficult for you to write funny, Katia. Thank you for sharing that. And thank you for reading the post and commenting. My sister said a wise thing today. She believes John would be very proud of me for doing that particular podcast and I think he just may have nudged me in that direction. It was time.
Loved it Kel. I have read the story before and was touched then but hearing you read it was even more powerful. I am lucky to have great sisters as well and I know how special that relationship can be. Happy Mothers Day. Sooooo proud of you
Aw, thank you so very much, Lynda. That means the world to me. Thank you. The happiest of Mother’s Days to you!
I can give speeches…fine. But reading my writing – that’s always a whole different ball game.
I was once told, “Speak the truth, even when your voice shakes” and congratulations to you for doing just that!
Yes, that’s it. So much easier to give speeches than reading your own writing. I couldn’t agree more, Mardra. Thank you so very much for this insightful comment and for the wise advice to “Speak the truth, even when your voice shakes.”
Kelly, that was so heartfelt, I had the kleenex out just reading the introduction. I know how hard it is for you to talk about this painful time in your life. Your sister is amazing and I am sure that she would help you out again in a hearbeat, as you would do the same for her.
Thank you so very much for listening, Jane. Yes, my sister is amazing and just last week when I told her about the podcast she said “I can’t imagine doing anything different.” And you’re right, I would have done the same for her in a heartbeat. Thanks, my dear friend for your never ending friendship and insightfulness. As always, it’s a breath of fresh air.
OH Kelly, I can’t even imagine the courage it took to read this out loud. There’s something so intense about talking out your feelings and experiences, isn’t there? I was just sharing some painful teenage stuff that happened ahem… a long long time ago, and I sobbed like a baby. I was so embarrassed and surprised at the emotion that came forth! Sigh.. I think it’s always ‘in there’ no matter how many years pass. And I can only imagine how powerful your emotions are with such a tragedy you endured!
It’s hard. And being so vulnerable and letting those emotions unfold is terrifying and exhausting.
I’m SO proud of you. I bet your sister is forever grateful.
Off to go listen now…
Sending you a jumbo hug – yes, those buried emotions do bubble up and froth over to astonish us unexpectedly, don’t they? It’s incredible. Thank you for your kind words, Chris. Yes, my sister is overwhelmed that I did that and she responded with a quiet “I couldn’t imagine doing anything different, Kel.”
So beautiful. So brave. I couldn’t help but have tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat – I don’t know HOW you managed to get through this as beautifully as you did. What a wonderful story of unconditional love, family, and support. Thank God for your sister and gosh hooray for you for telling this wonderful story.
Thank you so very much for your kind words, Lisa. It was very difficult to write, let alone read out loud, however I am very glad that I did it and I am proud of myself. My sister is a gem and to this day she says that she couldn’t imagine doing anything different. We all talked about it over lunch yesterday and her daughters were sharing some wonderful memories of that time. It was really heartwarming.
Awww Sis… what a beautiful testament to your Sister’s love. She sounds like one special lady – just like you, Sis. I can imagine how difficult it was to read your beautiful words. Well done, Sis.
Thank you, Sis. I know you understand exactly how difficult it was to read out loud. And yes, both you and I are blessed with wonderful sisters, aren’t we?
What a wonderful tribute to your sister…whenever I read something that stirs a memory, I too have difficulty speaking without breaking into heart-wrenching sobs. I loved hearing your actual voice for the first-time, although trust me I can hear your voice when you write. I hope you had a fantastic Mother’s Day.
Thank you so very much for listening, Beemie. I’m glad to hear it isn’t just me who breaks into heart-wrenching sobs when speaking about something memorable. As for my voice – I always think I sound like my cousin, rather than me, when I listen to a recording! Yes, thank you, my Mother’s Day was really special. I had lunch with my mom and my sister and most of her family and I came home to a lovely bouquet of flowers on my front porch, sent to me by my son who lives 3000 miles away! I was thoroughly spoiled. I do hope you were too!
I’m at work (shhh) so I can’t cry here. I will listen later. XOXO
Thank you for your kind comment on FB, Katy. It was a really difficult thing for me to do and Poppy is still puzzled as to why she had to listen to me utter the same five minute dialogue for a solid day and a half.
Oh dear, sweet Kelly! I remember reading your post from two years ago but hearing the story told in your voice took its impact to a whole new level. You were brave, indeed, to bare your soul and share your story. What a remarkable tribute to your amazing sister. Your unending gratitude to her for the life-changing gift she gave to you and the children and John is apparent in every spoken word.
I do apologize for taking so very long to respond to your kind comments, Mo. Thank you for them. Recording that podcast was, I have to say, one of the hardest things I’ve had to do lately. It’s so easy for me to “do funny” but baring my soul is tougher than tough.
Just wanted to give you a hug!! That is all!
Also, sorry for being MIA for so long! Just getting back to blogging!
I do thank you for the hug, Roshni. I’m sorry for taking so long to respond to it! Good on you for getting back to blogging. It’s been a while for me as well – let’s do it together!
I just listened, and you read your amazing piece beautifully, Kelly. I remember your written piece, but hearing you made me feel even more present in your pain and grief – and made me more in awe of your sister and the gift she gave to you and your kids.
Thank you for sharing; I know it was difficult, but being brave usually is.
Thank you, Dana. It was SO difficult but I still am proud of myself for summoning the courage to do it. Huge apologies for taking so long to respond to you, I’ve been rather remiss on the blogging front lately. Off to see if you’ve updated us on your Alaskan adventure.