I learned a rather insightful thing the other day. I finally figured out my late husband’s legacy.
It was his gift to me of the ability to cope.
As I’ve shared before, our son was 16 months-old and our daughter had just celebrated her third birthday when my husband passed away at the age of 38 from complications of Crohn’s disease. It was a shock to everyone, but perhaps to him most of all. John refused to believe he would die young. Had he known his fate, it’s a certainty that he’d NOT want anyone to feel sorry for his children. They were to rise above his untimely death and thrive as the well-adjusted adults he wanted them to be.
I became his proxy when his body failed. Should I blunder at the task of raising two well-adjusted adults, not only would he be woefully disappointed but it would negate the reality of his incredible spirit. I was driven to succeed because of this and I had to cope; there was no option.
My Late Husband’s Legacy
My husband was supremely healthy for most of our marriage. When he was well, John exuded positivity, he refused to sweat the small stuff. Sympathy was anathema to him. God help you, if you even so much as hinted that you felt sorry for him. Honestly, you were lucky if you even knew John, the adult, had Crohn’s. He didn’t hide it, it was just something he didn’t need to advertise.
Who instilled these remarkable qualities in him? His mother.
She got her 15 year-old son’s mysterious illness diagnosed through tenacious insistence. Local doctors were stymied as Crohn’s wasn’t something they were familiar with back then. So she reached out to the Mayo Clinic who finally gave her answers; long before the existence of the internet.
Above all, she was determined that her son would become the very best person he could be. Roadblocks were just that. Roadblocks. She encouraged him to figure out a way to get around them. She frowned upon him feeling sorry for himself. That could impede his improvement and she couldn’t allow that.
This is a photo of her today. Hard at work in her garden as usual.
Kelly’s Writing a Book
So, what got me thinking about my late husband’s legacy and his mother’s influence? Writing my book’s chapter about the first time I met my future mother-in-law at my place of work, Mom’s eclectic Asian antiques and collectibles store.
Mom had often mentioned this remarkable mother who popped in to buy unusual and unique items for her very ill son, as part of her efforts to boost his morale during long hospital stays, long before I joined the business. When we finally met, I knew her as the woman who had the audacity to purchase something I’d coveted and meant to buy for myself. What was it? I’m sorry, you’ll have to wait for the book, however I can share that it would be three more years before I’d meet John, now a robust part-time ski patroller.
You couldn’t fault John’s desire to never give up. He didn’t graduate with his classmates as he was ill for most of grades 11 and 12 but he went on to acquire the necessary courses through a community college, once his health improved. He later applied to the British Columbia Institute of Technology medical radiography program. John was drawn to medicine, having spent a good portion of his youth in hospital. Over 100 hopefuls applied for the 40 spots and happily he was accepted.
He was a natural. He knew just how to comfort the anxious patients in his care because he’d been ill so often. At his funeral, dozens of his hospital colleagues told me they felt truly blessed to have known him; most were shocked to learn that he had Crohn’s. However they were well aware that he adored his two children, as apparently he spoke of little else.
When he died, John left me a blueprint for our two. I just needed to stay the course and see it through. He’d expect nothing less. Please know, I’m not saying it was easy or that I was the perfect mother. Far from it. This blog, Just TypiKel, blossomed out of my desire to share the plethora of quirky things our children experienced as a result of having me as their only parent. Believe me, they could write a book.
This post was inspired by the Finish The Sentence prompt of “I want my legacy to be…” led by Kristi of http://www.findingninee.com/ Check out the other links. I’ll wager they stuck strictly to the prompt. Bad Kelly.
Enough my late husband’s legacy. I’m curious about you. What do you want your legacy to be? Or are you still figuring it out? If you’d care to share, I’d love to hear.
42 Responses
NOT Bad Kelly, as my links don’t always stick to the subject. The whole point is to write, and write, you did, brilliantly. I know people say it all the time but raising two kids on your own as a widow must have been SO HARD. You did an amazing job, and I’m so happy you’re writing a book (as I think I’ve said). This was a perfect, Just TypiKal (sp) post for FTSF. 🙂 It makes me smile and love you and your mom there in the garden even more, as always.
Why thank you, Kristi. I suspect John nudged me in that direction. He’d be grinning right now and saying “I do make wonderful fodder for blog posts, don’t I, Kel?”
Definitely still figuring it out! I’ve been sorely absent from reading you here (and pretty much everyone, everywhere) and it’s so good to see your words! Great tribute to your husband’s spirit and his mom’s, really. And truly, I’ve always admired you because wow, what a hand to have been dealt!
And now I’d better figure something out for this week’s prompt…and you know, my life. 😀
Lovely to see you here, Lisa. Thank you for popping in for a read and for leaving a comment. I’m delighted to join you in the “still figuring out our legacy department.” May we both have many, many, many more years to do that …
Indeed!
I for one cannot WAIT to read your book! WOOHOO! Your story and John’s is profoundly inspiring. I’m in awe of your strength and your incredible perspective on everything, Kelly. And what a powerful legacy your beloved husband left…
Aw thank you, Chris. Your kind words mean the world to me.
Thank you Kelly for sharing this very poignant story . You can see where John got his strength and spirit from. He would be so proud of the wonderful young people you have raised. They are truly his legacy.
Thank you, Jane. Both for your kind words and for having a read when the delightful gremlins wouldn’t allow this to fall into your inbox. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving. I am looking forward to hearing all about what was on the menu!
Oh, wow. I was just speaking with a friend today about her (adult) son who has Crohn’s. He also is a dad, and is studying medicine. So, though I don’t know you nor your family, reading this post hit rather close to home.
Your husband left you and your children a wonderful legacy.
Whoa. Really? That is a coincidence. Kind of meant, perhaps. I am delighted to hear that her son is doing well. Thank you for reading, Kristi. I loved your post and am so happy to have “met” you at FTSF.
Kelly you should be very proud of what you have accomplished not only in John’s name as a legacy, but in your own, as your writing proves!?
Bless you, Lynn.I’m working on it.
A truly brave post and hot damn if John didn’t nudge you to be all you could be for your two lit’ ones. I also think he has a hand in encouraging you to share such poignant and touching stories with all of us. Im thinking his mother must be pretty proud, too. Thank you….glad I ‘persevered’ and hit the right button to read today’s post. 😉
Thanks, Wend. Your comment truly means the world to me. And yes, I just wrote to someone else that I’m beginning to think he is nudging me to do more of these kind of posts. Writing the book and remembering the first time I met her is all part of that nudging. And thank you for “persevering” and pushing the right button. Darn blog gremlins!
What a beautiful tribute to your hubby and MIL. I am sure that he is smiling down from heaven. What do I want my legacy to be? The first person to start a fan club for Burt Large, the forgotten soul. You can join the bandwagon, sis. You still have time!!
Oh I am SO up for that, Sis. Yes. Jumping on right now.
Wow, Kelly…what a question. I’ve thought about it for over a decade, but never come up with a really good answer. Apparently, I haven’t thought about it enough, so thank you for the prompt. Thank you for sharing part of the story with us here. I look forward to learning more as your book is unveiled. 🙂
Thank you, Michelle. And please know, I take great delight from the fact that you haven’t come up with a really good answer either! I’ll keep puzzling over mine.
What an inspiration you are Kelly. Your journey through widowhood and being a single mom were clearly intense and heart-breaking challenges, but holding on to the cherished values of your husband and leaning into the strong characters of your mother and mother-in-law clearly have served you well. But I will never underestimate your own strength – you are indeed a force to be reckoned with, and the world is better having you in it. And I for one, can’t wait until you’re books come out. A many volumed series is surely needed to tell all your tales.
Thank you, Deborah for these kind words. Truly. As for a series – I’m considering doing at least two books. One for the adventures that took place in the store and another for our overseas buying trip escapades. I’ve written six chapters and that was just the first of the ten years in the shop so I may have to re-evaluate. Hmmm …
Wonderful post.
I’m still trying to ascertain what I’d like my legacy to be. Every time I think I have it figured out life throws me a curve ball. I do some adapting and keep going. I figure that someday everything will be revealed.
Thanks, Kathy. I like your “… figure that someday everything will be revealed.” That’s how I approach mine as well.
That’s an awesome legacy, and I think I’m most impressed by how you and John both rose to the challenges in your lives and determined not to be blocked by them, but to continue and get on with what needed to be done, AND what you wanted to do, with an amazing attitude.
Thank you, Lizzi. I can’t help but think that perhaps it was meant for John and I to meet. Had someone else been my husband and they weren’t as determined as him, I’m certain I’d not have been as strong. Does that make sense?
Yes. Certainly without meeting him your life would have been utterly different. I wonder that sometimes about my ex and all we went through – I wouldn’t be who I am now, were it not for those ordeals.
Great point, Lizzi. I think of situations like building blocks and can’t help wondering how different life would be if the building blocks had spilled out another way …
WHOA….you and my dear friend Lori Brower REALLY need to meet. She saw her son Nick through his battle with cancer from age 16ish all the way through to the end…and self-pity isn’t in her vocabulary either. Check out Wacky Warriors…you two need to link up! Thanks for your post…and I want to read the book!
Oh man, WHOA, indeed! I will definitely check out Wacky Warriors. Thank you, Deborah.
I have no idea what my legacy is, but I’m glad for amazing people like John who do know. And who leave one! Thanks for introducing him to us and for your work in keeping his legacy alive.
P.S. Anxiously awaiting book to learn which item you coveted…
Ha! Oh you’ll just have to wait a little bit longer to learn what my mother-in-law managed to scoop. She’s a savvy shopper, that one … I’ve no idea of my legacy either, Katy. One more thing we have in common, my American friend.
This was a wonderful post – a wonderful “toast” to your late husband. It was nice to read some of the back story about him. I’m glad the blog came about in this fashion – and I’m glad I “met” you through it. I always enjoy your posts, sometimes I laugh out loud, something I shed a tear to two, but I always learn something about the force that is Kelly’s! I am looking forward to the book, and I want to know what the object is – what a teaser!
Thank you, Vickie for your kind thoughts. I like the idea of this post as a “toast.” So would John, I think. You’ll have to wait a bit for the answer to the “teaser” however I can say that he mentioned it the first time we met!
Lovely story Kelly…full of love and determination. Something tells me that husband of yours is still standing right there beside you especially in times of need. I’ve been thinking a lot of how I want to be remember….especially now that I have Max in my life. I hope he remembers me not only with love, but also a bit of magic. I want to be the one who teaches him how magical the world can be…..full of adventure and mysteries. “Always think outside the box Max, because that is where the magic lies!”
Oh Debbie! I love that concept. Yes, always think outside the box because that’s where the magic lies. So very true. Max is one lucky little poppet to have you in his life.
As a public school teacher in the US, I applaud your single parenthood and commend you for the fact that two adults have begun to make their way in the world because of you. I know you are not seeking approval for a job well done, but BRAVO! His legacy continues!
Your story brought tears to my eyes. I cannot imagine having to go through the loss of a husband, let alone with two small children. I think we often surprise ourselves with our strength, there when we really need it. Your husband sounds like a wonderful man. I know it has been many years, but I’m truly sorry for your loss, and proud of you for carrying on your husband’s legacy!
Thank you,Lana. Your words have truly touched me more than you know.
What a legacy, indeed. I’m struck by the love and respect with which you write about him and his mother, Kelly. I’m sure they were equally blessed and inspired by your presence in their lives. ♥
Thank you for your kind words, Corinne. Truly.
What a beautiful legacy for all involved, Kelly. Your children are so fortunate to have a mother as you that cares so deeply to keep the legacy going AND to be humble to be giving credit to others as well. You are AMAZING! Hugs to you…
Thank you for your kind words, Elda. I confess that I don’t feel very special! Just stumbled along doing what I could and hoped for the best. Perhaps that sounds rather trite but looking back now that’s how I see it. Have a wonderful weekend.