Follow me on Instagram? Forgive me. You’ve been inundated to the point of “for the love of God quit your bitching, Kel” with alerts that I’ve been a little bit under the weather lately. I do apologize. But I’ve been really sick ever since I got back from the wonder that was the Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop in Dayton, Ohio. I’m not alone. Many of us came down with this nasty bug. However, all things considered, I’m actually rather relieved. Why? Because happily it’s not strep.
It’s not that horrid all-consuming sensation of swallowing handfuls of razor blades every single time you attempt to swallow. It’s not the must visit the doctor or you will never get better reality. Instead, it’s the exhausting rollercoaster ride that vacillates between the bone-jarring-chills-and-fiery-hot-sweats of the flu that, after a few days of intense rest and severe hydration, will ultimately disappear, leaving only foggy memories of sweat disturbed sleep.
Yes, I dodged a much worse scenario.
As fantastic as Erma was, I’m going to hold off posting about it in favour of sharing a typical Just TypiKel encounter that will reassure regular readers that life for me continues to be as quirky as ever.
Happily It’s Not Strep
It’s Sunday. The saddest day of the week. The four day event-packed, beyond worthy Erma conference has ended. Everyone is jamming their newly acquired eclectic library into their already impossibly stuffed bags and hailing cabs to the airport.
With my plane leaving hours from now, I straggle out the waiting cab to say goodbye to Jennifer, my roommate of the past four nights, and Karen, her cab mate.
The driver’s side door opens and the female driver hops out. Paler than pale, her lank hair needs immediate attention but who am I to judge? She’s probably been driving all night.
“Leave ’em. I’ll hurl ’em into the back.” We pretend not to notice her audible gasp as she laboriously hefts the last of the unwieldy bags into the trunk. Wiping her hands on her pants, she slams the lid shut. It holds. Just.
Care to hazard a guess as to who returns to escort me and two others out to the airport some five hours later? Here’s a wee hint.
“Leave ’em. I’ll hurl ’em into the back.”
There’s room for only two passengers in the back of her vehicle. One glance at the decidedly messy front seat and, in true Bad Kelly fashion, I’m scrambling into the back. Kathy quickly plops in beside me, leaving Jill mutinously hovering on the sidewalk as our driver schleps armloads of her untold gear from the front to the trunk.
We’re not a mile from the hotel before our chauffeur reveals an alarming truth.
“I can barely see straight. I’ve got a really bad headache.”
Sweet Jesus. Our voices drop to a whisper. Soldiering on, she manages to keep up with the thread of our hushed conversation for the entire 20 minute journey; interjecting worryingly unrelated tidbits of her own life.
Mercifully she noses neatly up to the airport curb. Refusing our delicate attempts to extricate our bags out from under the blanket of her possessions, she wrestles each bag out herself. Depositing the last one onto the sidewalk, she pockets her tip and offers up this stunning revelation.
“Ouch. My throat just keeps getting more swollen. Swallowing is near impossible.”
There’s more.
“Anybody knows what it means when your tongue has white spots on it?”
As my mind begins to reel, an incredulous Jill asks “Does your stomach hurt?”
“Yeah. It has for a couple days now. Not long after I noticed the spots.”
The penny drops. With a thump. She’s a walking streptococcal bacteria minefield. God knows how many baggage handles, not to mention passengers, she’s contaminated over the past “couple days.”
Poor woman. Strep versus flu? I’ll take flu any day, thank you very much.
Have a gander at the outfit I could very well be wearing at the next Erma Workshop in 2018. One slight alteration? That Raid Wasp and Hornet godsend swapped out for a serious bottle of disinfectant.
Enough about me and my feverish last couple of days. Have I told you that happily it’s not strep? I’m curious about you. If you’re a 2016 Erma attendee, did you manage to stickhandle your way out of contracting the “Erma Plague Flu” or, god forbid, strep? If you did fall ill, what’s your top tip for coping? Better yet, what would you recommend to the cab company? A health manual for every driver? If you’d care to share, I’d love to hear.
You might enjoy reading about the time my two kids and I foolishly attempted to keep the damning reality of our own woeful strep throat infections from my wiser than wise mother … Or perhaps the actual reason I donned such a stunningly fetching outfit as the one pictured above.
40 Responses
Oh Kelly, how awful, I am so sorry that you have been so sick. Happy to hear that you are on the mend ! I think that cabby should definitely have taken a sick day ! I am so happy that I am getting your postings again !
Yay! I’m so glad you are too, Jane. So lovely to see your name pop into my inbox. Did T help you? Or did it resolve itself on its own? As for the poor cabby, golly, she should have taken a sick week. She must have been feeling dreadful. She did look rather alarmed at our reaction to her revelations and I’m hoping she zipped into a clinic after dropping us off …
Ha! Just my luck too. I think I’ll be sporting some extra-strong hand sanitizer and a mask for my next trip to Erma. Sorry you’re been sick. Hopefully you’re on the mend now.
Other than some massive depressive moments and sheer exhaustion, I think I’m OK…dare I say that?
So nice to meet you at Erma. Can’t wait to read more of your posts!
Jeanine! How lovely to see this comment. Thank you.It was wonderful to meet you as well. I have been wondering about your health. So sorry to learn about the massive depressive moments. Ugh. We were treated to some pretty special opportunities at Erma, weren’t we? I’d say the majority of us arrived back to “normal-land” with a thump. And the sheer exhaustion? Ouch. Do hope you are managing to get some time for yourself. I’m feeling 98% back to normal, thank you. Here’s hoping our cabby zipped right to the doc after dropping us curbside…
It’s awful and very funny. So sorry Erma sent you home with a parting gift. Feel better soon, Sis.
Thanks, Sis. Am feeling almost back to normal. Thank you! Thought of you on the way back home. My plane was the equivalent of the one you flew back in from Salt Lake. Man alive. Can you say “lipstick tube?”
Love your adventure Erma Bombeck, Ohio, Strep ( ?) Makes perfect sense to me. Great get up <3
Barb! Hi! Thanks so very much for reading and for leaving this comment. Isn’t it a fetching outfit? Its first outing was when I was dealing with the wasp nests last summer. Seeing those fogged up goggles again had me wondering how on earth I managed to aim within two feet of the nest … Sing out if you’d like to borrow it!
Thank goodness you didn’t catch strep throat. Kelly. Sorry about the flu. We’re all dealing with that here, as well, so I can definitely empathize. Wishing you a very quick recovery!
Thanks so much Donna. Am feeling ever so much better now. Ugh that you guys have it, too. I am so sorry. Isn’t it a nasty bug? Thank you for your kind wishes. I hope you are all on the mend very soon and that no one is getting cabin fever. Sending healthy wishes for a speedy recovery.
My husband travels regularly for work. Is it no surprise he is the biggest germaphobe out there? I swear the man would bathe in Purrell if he could. And after stories like yours, I don’t blame him!
Oh, he sounds just like my daughter. She’d also bathe in Purrell if she could. I think its in the genes. When she was 6 months old and I dropped some spaghetti sauce on the kitchen floor, I was stunned to hear her quiet “Uh oh” followed by her crawling over to pull the dishrag off the stove and then stunned to see her use it to wipe it up. Let me know if you ever want to wear my stunning protective outfit – mind you, we might have a weensy problem as I’m 5’2″, as you know …
My kids are still tag-teaming exploding bodily fluids. The craziest part? Erma was still totally worth it.
Oh Elly, that’s just horrid. My version manifested as cough, runny nose and body slams. I am sorry for you and yours. However, I’d have to agree with ya – Erma was still TOTALLY worth it. Sending speedy healing vibes …
Glad you’re enough on the mend Kelly to share your adventure in germ immersion. Makes me want to travel encased in a plastic bag. You’re setting quite a fashion standard with your protective outfit. You may be the only person I know set for wasp-infested germy cabs. I hope you’re adding that to your business card.
Oh now there’s a thought. In addition to “quirk magnet” I shall add “prepped for wasp-infested germy cabs.” Golly – Mom must have known something that time in Thailand that my rape alarm went off in a friend’s car and she thought we were being attacked by killer bees …
Ohmygosh I laughed SO hard at this!! Wait- that sounds terrible! I mean at the story of the viral bacterial cabby who spread a wealth of sickness around the city! She sounds like a peach. 😉
You are such a great story teller, Kelly!! I just LOVE reading your stories- they are just TypiKel. I’m so sorry you’ve been sick. I HATE being sick, and I think the flu is worse than strep. Really! I do! Either way- they both deserve a big fat UGH.
I can’t wait to hear more about the conference, when you’re up for it!
Oh, thank you, Chris. I wondered if someone would say they felt strep was better than the flu. I’m prone to strep and it scares me. For two reasons. One – it allows me to keep being busy and it’s up to me to make a doc appointment. And two) my sister got very ill from it two years ago and had to be hospitalized for over a week. Her throat developed ulcers that required surgery to fix. Yikes! Having said that, I do understand your point. Flu wipes you out and strep doesn’t. SO glad you popped by and left this comment. I’m sorry I’ve been missing in action from the Cafe. I’ll pop over now. Have indeed missed you.
Kelly, and the cabbie was so nice! As Karen and I chatted in the back seat, she said, “Are you two AUTHORS?” She was so impressed! When’s the last time anyone was impressed with a lonely writer? She grappled for her book from the glovebox (while driving down a freeway) to show us that she is never without a book. We need more avid readers like this! But we need cabbies who stay in their own lane and don’t pass on strep! A week after the Erma, I still have not come down with anything. How did you get the flu but I didn’t? I did get my very first flu shot this year, and perhaps that saved me. I also wasn’t part of any of the after-keynote receptions or drink any of the free wine, so maybe it was a wine server who passed it to everybody? At the very least, I think we can blame the cheesecake–for SOMETHING! I hope you are on the mend soon, best roomie ever.
She asked us the very same question! Yes! “Are you three AUTHORS?” However, we were spared the book grappling. I suspect she was starting to feel really rough by the time she picked us up. Her head was very close to the wheel – probably due to serious concentration on her part. I am beyond delighted that you still haven’t come down with anything. Phewf. I was worried. I’m sure your flu shot played a part. That and the whiskey, of course. Thanks for your kind wishes. I am feeling 98% back to normal.
I was fine when I started reading your post, but by the end my throat was starting to hurt 🙂
Oh, Kathy you made me smile. Thank you – I needed that.
I really couldn’t decide if I should laugh or cry as I read this story Kelly – it really called for a little bit of both! So sorry to hear you have been so sick. Just like you though, to turn it all into a very captivating tale. I can’t wait to hear about what you learned at the E. B. Writers Workshop.
Thanks, Susan. I am going to do a post on EBWW soon.
Your stories are so interesting, always! Hope you’re feeling much better now.
Thank you, Elda. I am feeling ever so much better – just a little guilty about all the work I should be doing now. However, the dog needs a walk so … I’m off to do that before the rains return.
Oh dear….well, I’m glad it wasn’t strep, but I’m so sorry you’ve been sick. I can’t wait to hear about the Erma conference though – I would love to attend that one.
Lana – it really is a worthy conference. Can’t say enough good things about it.
Wow, poor woman and poor passengers, YOU! Ack. There is a reason why people should stay home when they are sick. It is not ONLY for the fact that your body needs rest, it is also to keep you away from others! I hope you feel better, Kelly!
So very true, Amy. Well put. Thank you. I am feeling ever so much better.
I know nothing about this Erma conference – can’t wait to read your recap! You are doing a recap, right? Now that you’re on the mend, that is.
My daughter has the sore throat thing going on now, but I don’t think it’s strep – just your average cold. And maybe a little senioritis. At least I can’t catch that!
A little senioritis? Brilliant. At first I read “… sinusitis.” I remember those days. Ask me about the photos I have of my darling boy in his cap and gown and I shall tell you I have two. One of him posing happily on stage with his school principal and the other of him shouting at me in the car to “drive faaaaaaaster!” Stellar. Yes, shall do a recap on Erma. It’s the worthiest conference I’ve gone to, by far.
What an adventure! You had me laughing out loud. Thank God it’s not strep. Looking forward to hearing all about the conference!
Hi! Oh it was quite “summat” let me tell you. I do hope the poor cabby zipped right to the doc and then to the pharmacy and then home to bed. She was struggling. Am working on a conference recap and hope to have it published soon.
Sorry to hear you are ill, Kelly. At least the cabby did her transmission on the way home instead the way there. It would have been awful (OK, moreso) if the illness traveled with you throughout the event. I used to work in the food service industry (many moons ago). Used to scratch my head listening managers lambaste employees for calling in sick. Bet the patrons appreciated it.
You hit the nail on the head, Nanette. I couldn’t help but think how awful it would have been had I been ill in Dayton. One of the attendees confessed later that the hotel was insisting she go to hospital on the Saturday but she managed to make it home before going. Ouch. And yes, if the patrons knew that service was slow due to a stay-at-home ill employee, they’d be grateful. I know I would be!
Typhoid Taxi Driver, eh? I’m glad you didn’t get strep but so sorry that you were so darn sick! Perhaps it was all the wine that gave us protection in SLC…
You know, I’ll be you’re right, Mo. It was all the wine that gave us protection in SLC. SLC of all places!
It’s been a long time since I have re-read any of Ms. Bombeck’s work, and I was unaware she’d had a writers’ workshop named after her. Neat!
Yeah, when you *really* need that job, you’ll ignore sickness as long as you can–lots of bosses are not very understanding about time off.
The workshop takes place every two years, Scott. Hopefully next time the plague will not be a contender.