I remember it so clearly yet I still can’t quite believe it.
Lessons Learned in Grocery Lineup
I’m standing in the grocery store checkout lineup. Clutching my bag of apples and brick of cheese I’m bored. It’s hot, I’m wearing jeans topped off by a hotter than hot long sleeve t-shirt. Bad planning at its finest.
If I’d planned that is. I hadn’t. My husband (yes, he was happily still alive at this point) was making an apple pie and he had all the ingredients but the guest of honor. Fine. If he’s willing to bake a pie on the hottest day of the year, the least I can do is provide him with the apples.
With the cheese starting to sweat, I turn my attention to the knot of folks ahead of me. At the front of the line we have an elderly gal carefully sorting out her change. She’s followed by an angry-looking couple who clearly believe they have better things to do with their time. My eyes skip to the shopping cart directly in front of me.
The cart is full. But it’s the little lad plopped squarely into the flip-up seat at the front that draws my focus. His chubby little legs, cleverly clad in a pair of cotton shorts, dangle through the open slots. His shoes are adorable. The laces need tying and the toes are scuffed. They’re obviously well-loved.
His hair cut grabs my attention next. It’s blonde, no, blonder than blonde. It makes my teeth hurt just to look at it. It could do with a good trim as the bangs fall into his impish blue eyes.
And that face! Oh it’s just so darn cute. Rounder than round. The kind of face that causes aunties and grandmothers to grasp it firmly between their fingers and squeeze.
Attentive readers will be surprised perhaps at my fascination with this chap. I’ll explain. This grocery line up visitation takes place two years before the birth of my first child. I’m still in the painfully naive “oh, they are so adorable” phase.
With Gran slowly gathering up her plastic shopping bags up front, and the grumpy couple shuffling into place, I feel a surging warmth towards this patient little fellow. I offer up an engaging smile.
His face freezes and he locks eyes with mine. He’s about to speak.
And what nuggets of childlike innocence does he offer up?
“F**k off and die.”
Excuse me? What did he just say? Surely I misheard. How the hell does he know such a horridly inappropriate phrase? My future children will NEVER speak to anyone like this. Ever. As my brain grapples to compute what just happened, Grumpy Male offers up a chuckle and pats his wee Potty Mouth on his dirty blonde head.
“You tell her, son. Shit yah. We’re almost outta here.”
Sweet Jesus. That apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree, does it?
And no, I won’t wax on about how my eyes now lingered over the contents of their shopping cart.
Let’s close on a happier note, shall we? Who can forget that classic moment offered up by Little Jack Byrnes of Meet the Fockers fame.
This post was inspired by the Finish The Sentence prompt of “It Started In The Line At The Grocery Store …'”
As always, our host is the lovely Kristi . Today’s guest hosts are Dawn M Skorczewski and Nicki Gilbert of Red Boots. Click on their names to be transported magically to the other posts on this prompt.
Enough about me and the lessons learned in grocery store line up. I’m curious about you. Have you ever had the hell shocked out of you by a cuter than cute toddler? Do you or yours swear like a trucker? Are you a trucker? If so, do you swear? Have you seen Meet the Fockers? If you’d care to share, I’d love to hear.
36 Responses
After reading this, I am seriously thankful for small favors. For as bad as it can get with my two, I have never had them actually curse out complete strangers. So, as Charlie Sheen would say, “Winning”! 😉
I hear ya, Janine. If it had been my son who favored a complete stranger with such a curse, he’d have received more than a simple pat on the head …
OMG he said that???? Holy crap!! I thought we were bad here, with “Calm down and what the fuck is going on?” from my son, age four. Never to a stranger though – holy cow!! 🙂 Also awesome. Mostly.
Yes, wasn’t that delightful? My darlings have offered up one or seventy gems of their own but nothing quite as harsh as this little lad’s comment.
Omfg, THAT was a surprise (after I recovered from the confusion that you were so taken with the adorable boy in the first place! Thank you for clarifying that ;)).
My kids do not drop f-bombs but they do use assh*le like it’s nobody’s business. My husband, however, as a wee child loved the word “bitch” a bit too much. My mother-in-law cleverly told him he can say any word he wants, but he should never ever say “beige bag.” Believing that to be the new forbidden word, he dropped the real b-word and said “beige bag” with blatant abandon!
“Beige bag” is the most wondrous comment ever. I adore this. What a gal your mother-in-law must be. Oh the vision of him as a littlie marching around proudly and wickedly shouting “beige bag … beige bag…” She must have dined out on that story for months. No, years.
Hahaha! O my sweet Lord. Did not see that one coming. Hahahah! I would have been mortified! LOL
Me, too! Judging by the reaction of his Pops, I suspect it was something he favored everyone with, with regularity! How delightful Wonder what he says today at age 23?
I’m horrified when my four-year-old announces clearly, “oh, fudgers!” at every frustrating turn. And once my six-year-old said, “oh, effers!” But this?! Shocking.
Actually, upon further consideration, there is the day we got lost in the woods and my five-year-old announced with perfect clarity, “oh, shit!”
I swear, that’s the worst of it. (Literally.)
Hahaha! “Oh, fudgers” Love that. My two used to say “Oh, NUTS.” I always vewed it as rather innocent until the time both of them shouted it out in front of their much older cousins who burst into laughter. Nuts. Ah yes, those kind. Not the walnuts, hazelnuts, almonds … but THOSE nuts. Ooops.
I’m wondering to whom the little chap’s parents were speaking when they uttered that phrase. It’s not like an “s-word” here or a “f-word” there…this was a full on phrase expertly repeated after having probably hear it multiple times. Crazy!
Exactly, Mo. That’s what I’ve wondered ever since. How often did he hear it and to whom was it directed?
My mother always told the story of my older brother who was slow to talk. Then one day she heard him sort of singing something while playing in his play pen in the living room. When she got into the living room, there my brother stood in his playpen, gleefully chanting, “Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ.” That was, up until that moment, my father’s favorite swear phrase.
Oh my word, Linda, I am positively beaming at your comment. “Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ.” I hope she scooped him up and gave him a jumbo hug.
Hmm…I think that you handled that situation more gracefully than I would have done. I think that I would have been rather direct with the parents about the need to take themselves and their shoddy child raising abilities out of the store and out of my life. I would have been so infuriated with their obvious bad parenting choices and the later-in-life problems they were inflicting on that poor baby.
And I’m usually a pretty laid-back person.
I wish you were with me, Anna.
Oh, that was too funny, I was not expecting that ! No, I can honestly say that neither of my daughters ever dropped the f bomb ( that I know of ) . Now, throwing a full blown tantrum in a grocery store line up is another story !
Oh yes, I had my fair share of the full blown tantrums in the grocery store lineup as well. Wasn’t that fun? Usually took place alongside a very disapproving woman with two perfectly behaved children in tow …
I have to paste your questions here because (I’m cracking up) wait until you see the answers I have for you!
Have you ever had the hell shocked out of you by a cuter than cute toddler?
Yes, many times. My cousin (now a fully grown and very tall young man) sat in the back seat of my Grandparents’ car at age four and informed them that his daddy worked on a fire f**k. Dad was indeed a fireman, but you figure that one out.
Do you or yours swear like a trucker? Yes, yes, I’ve been known to. If my kid ever comes home from school in trouble for saying a bad word, I can’t even begin to feign innocence. I will have to hang my head shamedly and say “yes, yes, I’m fully aware of where she may have picked up that mouth.”
Are you a trucker? I am not. However. In my family, there have been…counting…at least eight truckers, either big rig or delivery variety. I shit you not. And that answer is what got me out of Federal jury duty once because the lawyers asked if we knew any truckers. They thought I was making it up, so they made me name them all. Out I went because the case was a slip and fall where a truck driver was suing a company for falling on their lot that had not been cleared of ice.
If so, do you swear? Well, I’m not, but see above answer. 😀
Have you seen Meet the Fockers? Nope. Can’t stand the actor in it. I’m no prude, but I think he’s a total pig.
Grand story!
Oh, yes, these answers! Lisa, you’ve outdone yourself. THANK YOU! Fire f**k? Hahaha! My pal’s 3 year old said the same thing. I’d forgotten. Thank you for reminding me. Sweet Jesus and thank you for revealing you, too, are a swearer. The words that flew unchecked from my mouth whenever I spotted a huge spider inside the house? Ouch. I knew better, just couldn’t help myself. And being excused from jury duty because of your familial ties with truckers? Now that’s a first. And they made you name them all? Wow. And yes, I understand your feelings towards a certain actor in Meet the Fockers. Hope I’ve got the right one and you don’t feel that way towards Dustin Hoffman. I like him.
Oh, I love this! I always scolded my ex about his language in front of our kids. He regularly dropped the f*bomb and made horribly inappropriate jokes, and I just knew the kids would pick it up. I was guilty of saying “Oh, shit” a little too often, but I figured my sin was far less than his.
So our daughter’s first two-word sentence? “Oh, shit!” At daycare, at Grandma’s, at the park . . .
Nooooooooo. Oh you’ve got me beaming. At daycare, at Grandma’s, at the park? Truly? Oh, shit.
Wow! That comment bowled me over just reading it at my computer. Cannot imagine the shock live and in person. Pre-children, I swore like a sailor, as the saying goes. I cleaned up my potty mouth a lot on their behalf and because hubby is not a fan of the cursing kids. I admit now that I know the older ones are familiar with the words I’m not quite as cautious, but I still try to limit it as much as possible. Thanks for this sharing this jaw dropping story!
Thanks, Mimi. Both for reading and for your comments. I had to watch what I said around my two as well. You know, I still can’t believe what came out of that little man’s mouth …
You have done it again, Kelly. This story spun off in such a different direction than I was expecting – it made me laugh out loud and scare the cat!
Apple pie and cheddar cheese I assume – I still love that combination, although I haven’t lived in Canada for years. Oh, but I add ice cream to mine as well!
Yum! Sounds delicious. And, yes it was really quite the shopping experience for me. He was just so darn cute – that made the words coming out of his mouth that much more “special.”
OMG. I wouldn’t have known what to do!! Yep. Apple didn’t fall far on that one.
I think the fact that I remember it so well was because it was before I had my kids. And he just was so darn cute. It came at me totally out of the blue.
WOW. I have no other words.
Thank you. Exactly.
That is hilarious and of course terribly shocking! Sometimes they just say whatever comes to their little heads and especially whatever they hear US saying. My youngest is really into saying “idiot” because she hears me saying it when I’m driving to all the awful drivers around me. *Hangs head sheepishly.* Working on making better word choices!
Oh I had some gems come out of my darlings’ mouths when they were little too. I resorted to saying “oh nuts” and thought nothing of it when my two said it. That is until my two nephews burst into delighted laughter upon hearing it. Uh. Yes. Those kind of nuts … Oops.
HA-larious!! And wildly inappropriate. Teaching daycare for years, I often heard the s-word and f-word slip out, but they were never directed at me. Thankfully.
Oh, now there’s a story or six, Katy! How funny. If parents only knew, eh?
A twist in the story…LOL…Loved reading.
you must have got a mini heart attack after hearing the not so polite words coming out of a very young man. And this reminds me how children can imitate adults.So be careful when you talk in front of them.
So very true. You can’t be too careful! Thanks for popping by and leaving a comment.