I rarely write about my late husband and his illness. John passed away from complications of Crohn’s Disease in 1997 when our son was just 16 months old and our daughter was three. It’s not that I don’t remember. I do. It’s just that I have spent the past 18 years fiercely ensuring that our children’s lives aren’t defined by his untimely death. He would expect nothing less.
However, I’m going to break from my usual norm today because of the wonder of 1000Speak.
I’ve contributed posts to the 1000 Voices Speak for Compassion since its inception. Last month I wrote about the shockingly quick death of a dear friend and in February I wrote about the passing of our mischievous thick-as-a-plank golden retriever Oscar. So, I’m going to write about death again? Seriously? Well, sort of. April’s #1000Speak topic is “nurturing.” Today I’m focusing on how my sister nurtured my kids and provided normalcy for them during the last month of my husband’s life.
How My Sister Nurtured My Kids
I don’t think you can ever be ready to receive the news from the doctor that your spouse is truly gravely ill. It packs a whollop, blinding you to everything else. The immediate reaction is denial. No. It’s not possible. He has to be there to help you raise your kids. You can’t do that alone. He can’t die. He’s worked so hard for the past 20 years to stay alive and battle this unforgiving disease. He’s been through this before. Surely the doctor is wrong. He’ll get better and stronger and he’ll survive. He has to.
At least that’s how it was for me.
After a healthy remission period of a good ten years, my husband’s last roller coaster ride of having surgery, getting better, getting worse and then slightly better and then falling ill again was all-consuming.
People often ask me “How did you do it?”
They’re really asking the wrong question. It should have been “How did your sister do it?”
What Kids?
Yep, I am cringing as I type this. When I learned that John suffered from an unexpected complication which required immediate surgery just days after his last, all thoughts of my kids’ daily existence faded. I thought only of rushing to my husband before he hit the operating room.
My sister’s reaction was decidedly different.
“Your two will stay with us. I’m coming to get them right now.”
It’s important to note that my sister wasn’t single, childless and living a life of her own. Two years older than me, she has three children. Twin daughters and a son. At the time, the girls were 13 and their brother was 10. The entire family was living engaged, busy lives. My sister’s slate was full.
And yet. She took on our children without a second thought. My memory is of her swooping in, throwing her arms around them both and asking “Where’s the dog food? We simply must take Fergus for a sleepover too!”
What was expected to be a few nights of care by Auntie stretched into 30. While I spent most of my time at the hospital our children blended seamlessly into my sister’s family. They were included in everything. All the movie nights, school runs, skating lessons and each and every hockey practice and game. When their cousins were at school, they “helped” with chores, puttered in the garden, ran errands with my sister, and enjoyed endless treats at Starbucks and shopping trips to Gap. In short, they lived a happy, normal, and somewhat spoiled existence.
Had they stayed with me, my children’s days would have been soulless. I was incapable of being the mother they needed. Yes, basic needs such as food prep and diaper changing would have been met but their spirits would have been woefully unattended. I shudder now to think of the harm that unmindfulness could have caused. Of how their little souls could have been damaged. Both were far too young to understand why I was this way; that Daddy was possibly dying and that Mommy needed to be with him.
That singular focus was so strong that it wasn’t until midway through their stay with her family that I truly appreciated my sister’s efforts. It was on our daughter’s third birthday. Thankfully my husband had enjoyed a fairly good day and I was feeling rather chirpy until I pulled into her driveway for dinner and saw the celebratory balloons and streamers festooned from the top of the outdoor play house to the front door.
Oh my god. I’d forgotten to get our birthday girl a gift. Before I could absorb that horrid concept the door flew open and my two came running out. Beautifully dressed, they both glowed with life and delight.
My daughter reached up to tug on my hand.
“Can I open your presents now, Mommy? They’re on the dining room table! Can I open them now? Please?”
Crisis averted. As my relieved tears threatened to flow, my ever so thoughtful sister waved away my hushed furtive thanks and ushered me into the house with the offer of a restorative wine.
Thank you, Sis. Thank you for selflessly and unconditionally enabling M and H to live normal lives and to feel positively loved and nurtured during such a difficult time.
I couldn’t have done it without you. I’ve never forgotten and please know that I never will.
Enough about me and the truth of how my sister nurtured my kids. I’m curious about you. Have you ever had someone step in and provide nurturing when you weren’t capable? Does nurturing come easy to you or is it a bit of a struggle? If you’d care to share, I’d love to hear.
Do check out the other “nurturing” posts on 1000Voices Speak for Compassion.
64 Responses
Beautiful, Kelly. I’m crying.
When my son got socked in the eye with a baseball that turned out to be much more serious than we thought, and my husband was out of town on a business trip, I gained a new, true friend in the mother of one of my daughter’s friends. She was I think the fourth person I’d called to take my daughter so I could tend to my son and get him back and forth from the ER. (We have no family nearby). She swooped in and took my daughter for the weekend. We have remained such good friends since — both me and the mom, and the kids! All because I needed help and she provided it, no questions asked.
Oh that gave me goosebumps. What a lovely woman. The fact that she swooped in, no questions asked? Friend for life in my books.
Oh, Kelly. I started crying when I started reading this and really lost it when I got to the part about the birthday presents. It’s beautifully written and really honors your sister’s beautiful gift to you and your children.
Aw, thank you Donna. I cried as I wrote it. It was difficult to write about as it brought all the memories flooding back. The fact that you’d write such lovely words means the world to me. Thank you.
Kelly what a beautiful tribute to your sister, her generous heart and love of you, M and H. Thank you for sharing this most lovely story.
Family is such a blessing!
Thank you so much, Janice. It was a really hard piece to write and I have to say the keyboard was splashed more than a few times. And you and I are both surely blessed when it comes to family. Thank you so much for your comment.
What an absolute treasure your sister is, giving so freely, lovingly and thoughtfully at a time when everything must have been so dark for you.
Thanks, Yvonne. She is a gem. I suspect things would have been vastly different had my sister not stepped in.
While I do believe that God is everywhere, I can’t help but love the quote: “God couldn’t be everywhere so he gave us sisters.” I’m blessed to have 2 younger sisters. They are indeed my truest greatest friends and I have no idea how I would have ever survived this life without their love, support and companionship. Sounds to me like you have one of those excellent sisters in your life, too. I absolutely love your post. It’s a beautiful tribute to your well-deserving sister. Excellent!
Thank you so much, Marcia. “God couldn’t be everywhere so he gave us sisters” says it all. How very true. I am delighted to learn that you are also blessed with sisters. Not one but two! Wonderful.
Kelly, this is beautiful, such a touching tribute to your sister. The tears were pouring down my face as I read. I’m deeply sorry for your loss, and your children’s loss, and so glad, for them, and you, that your sister was able to give all of you what you needed at such a heartbreaking time.
I’m not sure what else to say, except I need a tissue, I’m in bits here!
God bless you, your children, and your beautiful sister, Kimmie x
Kimmie – this is just so, so kind of you to share your thoughts. Thank you. I’d fire a box of tissues at you through the screen if I could. It was really difficult to write about and the tears did flow. However, it needed to be said and I know that not only my sister will be heartened to read it, but also my two children. They need to know how their aunt (whom they treasure) truly did save the day.
I honestly don’t know where to start or even if I can stop crying long enough to type this comment. I don’t think I have ever visited your blog before I may have, but for some reason I did today because I too am involved in the #1000Speak so I came by to show some support and was floored. I’m sure you have heard it all before, but I am so sorry that you lost your husband when you should have been enjoying your lives, that’s not why I am crying so hard. You see, I were your kids. I am 45 and a mom and a grandma, but I was one of those children. My dad was sick, he had a very bad heart. My mother was with him every second while he had a then “radical” surgery open heart surgery back then it took a month right through Easter. My Aunt drove 4 hours each way to come get my 2 brothers and I to add to her own three children. She was so good to us. She knew we were scared and homesick and she didn’t just take care of us she loved us and when shortly after my dad died she was right there once again. While I always appreciated what she did I had not thought about it in years (I was 7 at the time) or as a mom and what she went through taking care of 6 kids. I need to go call her now and tell her how much I love her, thank you so much.
Oh Rena, my tears are splashing onto my keyboard. Thank you SO much for sharing your story. Wow. My heart stopped when I read “… I was one of those children.” To read about your side of such a difficult time was a real gift. Thank you. Your aunt is a lovely woman indeed. I am so very glad that she was in your life and able to step in and fold you up into her family. The fact that you felt compelled to call her makes me SO very happy that I summoned the courage to write this very difficult piece. Off to find a tissue …
This is such a touching post. Yes, you are truly blessed with an angel in the form of a sister.
Thank you so much. And I believe you’re right. She is an angel.
Oh Kelly, I am in tears reading this!!! I’m just so heartbroken that you had to endure such a horrible loss AND while your kids were so so young to boot. I absolutely understand your inability to focus on your kids during such a traumatic time!!
Oh my gosh, how grateful I am for your sister!! What an angel- truly- for diving in and caring for your children with such strength and reassurance. Oh Kelli, what an amazing sister you have!!!
Thank you so much for your comments, Chris. I am blessed indeed. Writing about it was very difficult as it brought all the memories rushing back. However, it was also very cathartic and comforting at the same time. Does that make sense?
Kelly, that is truly beautiful and yes, I did have to have kleenex near by, and lots of it. I know how hard you work at keeping your husband’s memory alive for your children, and what a wonderful mother you have been, and still are to them. I have never met your sister, but I think you share many of the same traits, and I know you would have done the same for her children in a heartbeat. How wonderful that your children have grown up with such a strong bond with your sister and her children.
Thanks, Jane. You have a real gift for getting to the heart of the matter. It was a really difficult post to write. Not only because it brought all the memories rushing back but because I wanted to do it right. I wanted to convey how she stepped in so selflessly when I was incapable of being the best mom I should be. Thank you for confirming that I did that somewhat. And yes, thank you for being a kleenex gal. My two grin at me whenever I say kleenex and offer up a “you mean Tissue, Mom?”
Oh such a heartfelt and beautiful post Kelly. The power of love and family and unconditional kindness can never be overestimated. And yet I know, just as you were gifted with this blessing at a time when you needed it, you’ve done the same for others when they were in a time of struggle.
Thanks for the hedz up about 1000Voices Speak for Compassion – I’m headed over there now.
Thank you, Deborah. And yes, you are spot on. One can never overestimate the power of unconditional love and kindness. I am glad you’re heading over to the 1000Speak – you’ll find a lot of soulmates over there!
Oh, Kelly, I’m crying here, too. What an incredible story of love and family. So many of us, when faced with a friend or family member in the midst of a crisis, ask, “what can I do to help?”. Your fabulous sister instantly knew what she needed to do and she did it. What an amazing gift to you and your children and an important lesson for all of us.
That’s it. Exactly. Sending you a jumbo hug. I know you well and truly get it.
Oh Kelly, you have touched my heart with your post. You are so blessed to have such an angel for a sister. She was absolutely there for you 100% when you needed her most. The gift she gave you was the ability to spend those last precious days with your dear husband. What an Amazing gift she gave you. You are one courageous and strong woman Kelly. The gift you gave your sister was saying yes to her when she reached out to you. What a blessing you are to each other. Thank you so much for sharing this heartfelt post.
Aw, thank you, Nancy. Your words mean the world to me. Thank you.
Kelly, what can I say, but I am wiping tears away as I type this. Seriously, cannot even imagine what you were going through during this time and just god bless your sister for indeed being so very nurturing and giving to you and your family through it all. Seriously, sounds like she is an amazing person and glad that you have each other.
She is an amazing person, Janine. My brother and I are very blessed to have her a sister. Thank you.
Oh, Kelly -like many of the others, this made me cry too. For losing your husband too soon, and for the immense love you and your sister have for each other. She sounds as amazing as you are, and I’m so glad she was there for you and your family when you needed her most. Thank you so much for sharing such a personal story. xoxo
Thank you, Dana, for both reading and leaving a comment. It was a really difficult post to write and the keyboard got splashed more than once. However, I felt the need to share my sister’s nuturting gift. She so deserves it.
OH, what an incredible post and tribute to your sister!! She sounds amazing. The fact that you didn’t even have to ask her and that she just stepped in and took your kids is incredible. And, the birthday – I love your sister and I don’t even know her!!!
Thank you, Kim. I know – that birthday gift was truly, truly above and beyond.
If I hadn’t been moved to tears before hand, “Can I open your presents now, Mommy? They’re on the dining room table! Can I open them now? Please?” certainly did it. What an absolute blessing your sister is.
Many years ago (around 1984) when my kids were 10, 12 and 14 and I’d been raising them on my own since they were 1,3 and 5, I ended up in hospital with three lung clots. The teachers at the junior high the two older ones went to, decided that one of them would come and stay with my kids so they wouldn’t be split up and sent to foster homes. I was in hospital for three weeks and will be forever grateful to the teachers for their kindness. My son (12) was thrilled as it was his favourite teacher. The other two were thinking more about the fact that they’d have no excuse for not doing their homework 😀
Oh Lyn, I have goosebumps right now. What a wonderful group of teachers. You SO get this post, I know. Thank you so very much for sharing your story. You and I really do have a lot in common. And we’ve been incredibly blessed.
This is a beautiful, outstanding piece of writing. What a gift that your sister was there to care for your children. I can’t even imagine how difficult this was for you, and even though it’s many years later, I’m so sorry. I also imagine that you would do the exact same thing for your sister if the situation were reversed. I’m sharing this because it’s so beautiful.
Oh, Lana. Thank you. Thank you for both sharing and for your very kind words. It was a really difficult time and writing about it was hard as it brought back all of the memories. However, it needed to be told. My sister is a true gem. May we all have family members or friends who would help out in such a selfless manner.
Well, should’ve given us a heads up for the tissues. Do you know what water does to keyboards???
I’m at a loss for words, imagine that…. Your sister is the best–but you already know that, don’t you.
I hold out great hope for your keyboard. Mine has survived ok. It got splashed a plenty when I was writing this piece. Thank you, Susan. She is the best.
Love and light, sweetie….Love and Light….
Thank you, Debbie! I appreciate receiving them both.
What a beautiful post. I’m sure that if the shoe was on the other foot you’d do the same thing your sister did.
Thank you, Kathy. And I suspect that you would as well.
I don’t know what to say……As I read I cried. How powerful it may seem to have someone around you that gives you such unconditional love. The thought of family being there just because…no strings attached, doing whatever is needed is far from my realm. Love to you.
Oh Kelli, thank you. I am sending you a jumbo hug.
Oh Kelly, such a gift not only did your sister give you peace of mind in caring for your children. She gave you peace of heart in that you could spend all your precious time loving your husband. When my daughter was born I had major complications. I came home on Saturday on Monday my father in law passed away. By wednesday ,the day of the wake I was re admitted one Dr sayed I could nurse my daughter.But then the pediatrician said no way with the drugs I was getting .So here wasy husband he has twin 3 year old boys,a new born ,wife in the hospital, having to juggle it all while laying his dad to rest?
My sister was my angel ,she had 3 small children, but took my new born daughter home with her.She cared for her until I could .
It was a time of great challenge made bearable by my caring sister. Sending much love &hugs <3
Oh, Barb, you’ve moved me to tears. What a lovely person your person is. You truly understand and have lived the point I was trying to make by sharing this difficult post. I do thank you for sharing your story. It touched me beyond measure.
Thank you taking the time to share this difficult story. As I read it tears rolled down my face. Your sisters support exemplifies a families unconditional love. We should all strive to give of ourselves so unselfishly. I have always admired how you raised your two wonderful children alone. But reading this I clearly see, tough as it may have been, you were surrounded by love.
Thank you so much, Janice. My path was absolutely eased by the selflessness of my family. My sister, my brother, my parents. And my friends. May everyone be so blessed.
Kelly,
It was such a pleasure and treat to meet you on Sunday. Thank you for making the journey down to Seattle. I can’t wait to get to spend more time with you in the coming month.
I didn’t know your story before reading this post. I know this is only a small slice of your life, but I, too, am so touched by it. What a delightful story told in what I know was an horrific time in your life. Hooray for your sister. And Hooray for you.
During our sweet daughter Hannah’s short life, we, too, had angels that came to the rescue to help our then 4-year-old son Wes thrive amidst the chaos of disease and death. My heart is full with the love I have for my mother-in-law Marilyn, who dropped everything and came to live with us, creating a safe place not only for Wes, but for all of us. And our other heroes – my parents, aunt, uncle, cousins, sisters, nieces, nanny, friends. I was just saying this week that of all of the myriad of lessons that Hannah taught me, the one that I hold most dear is the true nature of life. To love and be loved. To have family near, and be together through the pleasure and pain of our journey.
Thank you for sharing, and I can’t wait to hear more. Big hugs – Allyson
Thank you, Allyson. It was a delight to meet up with you as well and I am so looking forward to spending more time together. You TRULY understand. Hannah’s lesson is indeed one to treasure. I hold the very same thought. Sending you a jumbo hug in return.
chills and tears. Wow. what a beautiful tribute to your sister, who thank goodness knew what to do for you and your kids during that tragic time. Gorgeous post, Kelly. *hugs*
Thank you, Beth. I am warmed by your hug! My sister is a gem and her story deserves to be shared far and wide.
Oh Kelly.
Kleenex really should be sponsoring this post – or at least everyone with Kleenex stock should be thanking you. I couldn’t even leave a comment when I first read this – I was too overwhelmed with emotion. I’m so glad your sister was there for you and your kids … so you could be with your husband, who most certainly needed you most at the time.
While your sister is unbelievable special for covering for you in the gift-giving department (amongst other things), the fact that she was prepared to do so clearly demonstrates your circumstances at the time. Your gifts of strength and attitude which you have given your children by example far outweigh any package you could have wrapped yourself. You amaze me.
Aw Susan this is just such a lovely comment. Thank you.
My heart goes out to you, Kelly – particularly for having the courage to revisit events and feelings that are obviously still raw. This is a wonderful tribute to your sister that I imagine she will cherish for the rest of her life. They say challenges make you stronger. I’m not yet convinced of that. Sometimes, they’re just pain. So sorry for your loss but so happy for you in your ability to see how special those who remain are to your life – then and now. Your children and your family are lucky to have you.
Thank you so very much, Nanette. I am slogging away on my taxes (due April 30) and your comments have cheered me immeasurably. Thank you.
This story brought tears to my eyes. It sounds like your sister is an amazing woman — just like you. (And your mother, too.)
Oh Harmony – thank you. I am blessed to be surrounded by wonderful folk.
This one brought tears to my eyes. At 30 days, I literally gasped. At the birthday moment I put my hand over my heart. My mother struggled with my dad’s illness for 18 years until he died (plus my brother’s on-going struggles until he died a few years ago.) And she had no one to swoop in. We had no one to swoop. We made it through and found our own way and she tried her best, but I can only imagine the comfort she would have felt and the care we would have lapped up if there had been someone like your sister. Bravo, sisterly love. May we all learn from that. Lovely post.
Aw thank you. My heart is aching for you and your family and especially your mom. How very difficult and all-consuming that must have been for her. Thank you for sharing and reminding me that we should all be blessed with swoopers in our lives. I get a sense through your writing that you’re now favored with a wealth of swooper potential yourself. May you never, ever need them.
I am crying. The birthday present part really got to me. You’ve given me some good ideas for posts I could have written on nurturing, both regarding my sisters. One of them nursed my newborn baby for me when I had been subjected to a radioactive test and did not want to give him formula; the other took our family of SIX into her home for three weeks when our house burned down. It’s good to have family to care about you when things are bad. Your sister sounds like a wonderful person.
Thank you, Leslie. And thank you for sharing. I am tearing up here myself over the fact that your sister stepped in to nurse your baby. Wow. That is the very best possible thing. And your house burned down?? Oh, you’ve been through the ringer. How very kind of the other sister to take the six of you in. Yes, family is key. Thank you for reinforcing that.
What a gift. Both your sister to your kids and you and your writing to us. These are the sorts of stories I think about when I get disheartened by the daily news. Thank you.
Oh thank you, Linda. That is a lovely comment. I will pass it along to my sister. Thank you.