Wonder if I’ll ever get it? There are so many ways I could have answered today’s Finish the Sentence Friday prompt of “When I’m really old, I hope to look back at my life and know that I…”
I could go all maudlin on you and say that first of all I hope I actually do live long enough to get old. I could also wax on about how I hope I know that my two kids turned out well, that I did have a healthy and beneficial impact on the lives of my friends and family, and that the earth is a little bit happier because of me …
But, being Just TypiKel you know that I’m not going to.
Instead I am finishing the sentence with something else near and dear to my heart. When I’m really old, I hope to look back at my life and know that I … finally mastered the art of the flaky pie crust.
Wonder If I’ll Ever Get It
Oh sure I could take classes. In fact I have taken classes. Lots of classes. The most recent one promised a take home pie. It just didn’t specify the size of the take home. I’ve also watched talented friends make pastry.
I’ve made a few pies myself doing exactly what I was taught and what I observed. And yet, the pastry NEVER turns out the same. It tastes fine but isn’t flaky.
Why? I’m not sure. However, I suspect there are at least two reasons.
1) My hands are too warm. Even though this fantastic BBC Good Food post says that’s not important I truly believe it is. I’ve replicated every one of my teachers’ steps but it’s never the same. Ever.
2) It’s not in my genes.
How can it not be in my genes? Well let’s look at another true story that involves my dear mom.
She’s the first to admit that she didn’t get the cooking gene, never mind the pastry gene. However, a good thirty years ago when she was but a mere girl in her early 60’s, she decided to master the art of baking. She chose to start with the Traditional Christmas Cake recipe published in the local paper.
“Guess what I’m giving everyone for Christmas? A lovely cake.”
I couldn’t have cared less. It was late November and I was an apathetic witness to my mother’s fervor. Life for me was one of studying and looming papers and exams. Typing up an exam paper for one of my fifth year classes at her dining room table, I didn’t really pay much attention to the massive collection of ingredients.
It was a phone call early one morning that got my attention.
“Kel, do you have any brandy ?”
Uh no. I was a rum girl. Would that do?
“No, the recipe specifically calls for brandy. If I’m going to make these damn things I have to do it exactly as the recipe calls for.”
Uh. We’d gone from lovely to damn. That wasn’t a good sign. She hung up before I could ask what was wrong.
The next day there was a shout out for aluminum foil. Or “shiny paper” as was her wont.
Subsequent phone conversations only took place with my initiation. And they were rather one-sided. Mom seemed to be listening to my academic woes with far less than her usual attention; in fact she was disturbingly preoccupied and often cut the conversation short with a clipped shopping reference.
“Gotta go. I need more flour.”
Good lord how many of these damn things was she making?
We found out Christmas morning. Everyone got one. All five of us in the immediate family. There were rumors that she’d gifted some to the cleaning lady, her hairdresser and her favorite new pal at the local liquor store.
“I had to keep going back to the shop for more brandy.”
Turns out Mom was consulting a recipe sourced from a hospital kitchen. The newest baker in the family ended up making 19 Traditional Christmas cakes. And how were they? Actually rather delicious. But as most folks know, a little Christmas cake goes a lonnnng way. However Mom had plenty more in reserve. Once she determined we’d eaten ours she’d fire another one at us. It got so I couldn’t stomach another mouthful. Neither could my dog.
I’m sorry but by mid May that ship had sailed. So we got creative. They were put to many different uses but this was the most popular:
Did she start a new Christmas tradition? Thank God no. No, Mom never made another.
Special thanks to Kristi Campbell, our tireless Finish the Sentence Friday leader. Tonight’s guest’s hosts are Vidya Sury and Kerri Ames
Enough about me and my pie crust failure. If mom can bake 19 Christmas cakes I can do this. Maybe if I run my hands under the cold tap for a while … I’m curious about you. Are you a gifted baker? Got any tips on how to succeed at flaky pie crusts? Or do you have a couple of baking fails under your apron? If you’d care to share, I’d love to hear.
37 Responses
Kelly, I am hopeless at baking flaky pie crusts. Perhaps you and I are genetically identical twins, separated at birth. Except that your genes are funnier than my genes. Yep, identical but funnier. Can I have some brandy now?
Happy Holidays to your family and you!
Yes, we must be genetically identical twins, separated at birth.I love that idea. Oh the healthy food I’ll create! Who cares about flaky pie crusts in the big scheme of things, right? As for brandy – absolutely. I’m uncorking it now.
The one and only time I baked a pie crust was in 7th grade home economics. I can’t even go there. Once upon a time, I baked real Christmas cookies – now I’m all about the slice and bake. So sad.
Oh I’d love to hear that 7th grade home ec story. Can it compete with my adult pie class where I used the liquid measuring cups and my teacher had to quickly remake my pastry so that I wouldn’t fall horribly behind the other students?
OMG you so did it again mz not typikal!!! I’ve never made pie crust and maybe never will as that stuff sucks for me but really? The dog got sick of the treats??? That’s saying a LOT!!
Yes, Kristi, that is saying a lot. Mom kept firing the Christmas cakes at us well into September. It was truly quite something. And I am delighted to learn that you’ve NEVER made pie crust. Warms my heart.
I’m right there with you Kelly!
As much as I love to bake, I have zero confidence in my own pie crust skills. (But here’s a hint – if you use the Pillsbury pie dough in the refrigerator section of the grocery store
, no one will ever know. I think it is actually every bit as good as what I can make! AND quicker!) BUT – I still hope to master this skill one day!
Do you still have the doorstop? 🙂
Thank you, thank you. I haven’t tried the Pillsbury pie dough but I’m sure going to now.You had me at “no one will ever know.” Yes indeed you have opened up my life in wild unimaginable ways. Wow. Thank you. As for the doorstop – no, sadly I don’t. I turfed it when the next Christmas rolled around. Absolutely couldn’t face having it in the house as well as another round of Mom cakes. Thankfully she never tried to make these delights again.
OMG. You crack me up.
Door stops? Why yes, I get it. My grandmother made and gave Christmas cakes, too. I NEVER tried one, not even a bite. I could barely stomach looking at all those dried then alcohol-soaked fruits smushed into a brown brick. And are those cakes heavy!
Now, pie. That is my favorite dessert (with enough whipped cream to hide what’s under it) and my thing is to talk my sister-in-love (law) into baking one. (She is the founder of Vegetarian Times and by some great luck she chose pies as her cooking love place.) Me? I have issues with a rising pie crust.
Kelly, I’m thinking you have another career with the missing-cooking-gene thing. A TV show. You show us how you cook, your mom is a frequent guest. They’ll want to schedule it on the comedy channel, but really we cooks need your dose of Typikel on a food network. I’m not kidding.
Thank you. You get it. Of course you get it. You’re Susan. Aren’t they heavy? You had me grinning over the “dried then alcohol-soaked fruits smashed into a brown brick…” My grandmother made them covered in marzipan icing which was delicious. I remember peeling the icing off and saving it for later, then mashing my way through the cake. We never wanted my Grandad to cut the cake as he always cut the pieces way too big. Huge. I can still hear my grandmother’s admonishing horror “BASIL!” as she saw the size.
Drooling here over the thoughts of the creations your sister-in-love comes up with. You are indeed blessed. Think of me when you eat your next forkful.
You mean, she shouted “Basil!” Really? Now this is why I come here. To laugh and get new cuss words. Well, you know what I mean. Herbed cuss words.
Herbed cussing. See, there you go. You are so going to have a tv show. We have to get you a producer.
haha! This cracked me up.
I love to see the different ways people take the prompts.
Bricks. I’m glad you found uses for them.
My mom is a pretty good cook and makes pretty good pie crust. Flaky and all! She’s a good baker too.
It skipped me!
I know – I just read all of the FTSF posts on this prompt and am delighted with the different responses.
You are indeed blessed to have a mother who’s gifted with pie crust ability. I truly cannot imagine it. As for genes skipping a generation, I quite understand. I can’t sew a stitch but my daughter certainly can. Thankfully.
You really need to write a book – a collection of all of your stories would be such a great read!!!
I can’t make a pie crust and have zero desire to since I can just buy one if I really feel the need to make a pie (very rare!!!). Good luck mastering the perfect crust.
Aw Kim thanks for the book suggestion. I am toying with an idea along those lines with Mom being my most fervent booter, I mean supporter. As for pie crust? Well I do need all the luck I can get. It continues to allude me. Maybe I just need to accept that Pepperidge Farms is my new best friend …
I’m pretty sure if you drink large amounts of rum your pie crust will come out perfectly flaky – either that or you won’t mind if it’s not! ;).
I’ve never made a pie crust – Sara Lee is my BFF when it comes to all things crusted.
As always, I adored this story Kelly!
Hahaha! Yes I do believe rum – in large quantities – is the very ticket. Bless you. I’ll get right on it.
Have you seen that hilarious post about cooking with wine? Writer gets more tipsy as the post unfolds. Brilliant.
Oh my – nineteen loaves! That’s a LOT of brandy. I’m betting the door that got propped open had a bit of a wobbly smile too. 🙂
Oh there were wobbly smiles all around I must say! Perhaps not quite as many the following September mind you…
My Mum always said you have to use ice cold water, cold butter for the rubbing in bit and a rolling pin you can fill with water and ice cubes for the rolling and folding bit 🙂
Never knew her to have a failure.
That’s the one thing I’ve not tried – a rolling pin with ice cubes! Great tip. Thank you!
It has never even crossed my mind to make a pie crust from scratch. I don’t mind baking, but I don’t do it often and I don’t do it particularly well. But I’ll be rooting for you Kelly, and I’d be happy to be your taste tester! I think…
Hahaha! Thanks Donna, I mean Dana (still smiling over your Starbucks misnomer). My family is threatening to pull back from taste test duty so I might just call on you … Get ready!
It took me a moment to realize that “Christmas cakes” are fruit cakes. Or, at least, I think they are. My mom was a great baker, but drew the line at fruit cakes and pie crusts. I grew up thinking that no one ever seriously made fruit cakes and that pie crusts were only for pumpkin pies that used those pie crust sticks. And then I met my mother-in-law. Remember, she’s Canadian. Fruitcakes, and then she’d say something about Christmas cakes.. Now I understand. She made small ones, sort of mini-doorstops all sticky and gooey. What great memories you bring back to me about my MIL, Kelly. I think it’s somehow related to being Canadian. 🙂
I’m glad I bring back happy memories of her for you Linda. Yes, indeed, they are fruitcakes. My paternal grandmother used to make a huge one each year and so I guess my mother was trying to recreate that. It’s funny but I don’t associate fruitcakes with any other time of year but Christmas. Mind you we were being gifted them by my mom in May but that’s because she made so darn many that time …
Linda, I grew up thinking that no one ever made fruitcakes, too. I thought they were just an artifact leftover from the Victorian era — some of them probably have survived that long. Turns out I was just culturally misinformed. Oops! I will never disparage fruitcakes again — except for the ones Kelly’s mom once made.
Oh too funny. You never fail to make me smile Harmony. Thank you.
My pie crust woes beat your pie crust woes. I am HORRIBLE at pie crusts — AND they have to be gluten-free. I’ve resorted to buying them pre-made and frozen, but they’re as tough as cardboard. The last time I made a pie, I couldn’t cut the crust with the blade of my fork. *sigh*
About those hot little hands of yours: What if you strapped cold ice packs to your wrists?
Grinning over the ice cold ice packs strapped to my wrists concept Harmony! Genius.
I’m with Dana. I leave the pie crust making to the professionals like my friends at Pillsbury. Who am I kidding… I leave the pie crust AND pie making to anyone else but me. And I would never even consider attempting a Traditional Christmas Cake! Your mom rocks!
The photo on the posted link looked so enticing! A beautiful cherry pie. Where did that photo come from. You tricked me….;) Thanks again for always providing me my laugh. I so enjoy your posts!
Why thank you Elda. That photo was actually taken at one of my many, many pie making classes …
Another great read…..and I know something we all can relate too one way or another. I can do a fairly decent pie crust….I follow a Paula Deen recipe which calls for lots of butter….oh so yummy. A Christmas tradition at our house….”Aunt Helen’s Cookies”….Mom and I would bake them every year…but one year, we managed to leave the ‘sugar’ out of the recipe. Somehow they didn’t quite taste the same…..LOL!
Merry Christmas Sweetie…..to you and your loved ones!
Grinning here over the image of Aunt Helen’s cookies without the sugar … bet you guys never left it out again! Reminds me of the Mother’s Day at Preschool when my son’s teacher added a cup of salt instead of a tablespoon to the scones … I shall never forget the way those beauts tasted …
I hope your Christmas was a splendid one Debbie!
First, I apologize for being the worst FTSF cohost ever! But you crack me up. Here is the answer to your issue though: Never make a pie crust. With the state of the economy, you will put bakers out of work. Bakers who love their job and love to make crust. So really, it is a “in the spirit of giving this Season” type of thing. Do you really want to make the best pie crust and be responsible for shutting down the neighborhood bakery?
At least that is my excuse 🙂
Hey, better late than never Kerri! Thanks for reading and commenting. I shall take your wise advice under advisement! I certainly don’t want to put anybody out of a job. Very wise.