No one can embarrass me as well as my children. Today I’m sharing that one gem that soars above all the other cringeworthy examples.
This special moment takes place in the winter of 1999 at my children’s preschool’s monthly Parent Meeting. Lucky me. Tonight all 40 parents of both the three’s and the four’s classes are present.
I thought I Was Going To Die
The minute I push open the heavy door I’m aware something’s amiss. Usually yawns overrule conversation. But not tonight. Half the group are standing up and there’s a distinctly audible hum emanating from this surprisingly jocular clique.
“That poor woman!“
“Thank God it’s not about me.”
How disconcerting. My eyes do a quick scan and a horrified suspicion claws its way through my foggy brain. However, further thoughts are preempted by a father swaggering up, a huge grin creasing his shiny face.
“Kelly! Can I get you something to drink? A vat of wine perhaps?”
What the hell is the man talking about? Coffee and tea are the only options here.
His delusional query draws the attention of the others; flushed, animated faces turn to greet me. The crowd parts to reveal a white poster board propped up on an easel. The title, carefully and ever so clearly printed by Karen the teacher, boldly reads:
“MY FAMILY”
BY H. McKENZIE.
I’m wise. Being the mother of four year old H. McKenzie it’s fairly safe to assume that the buzz is somehow related to something he’s revealed about me. Good lord.
Karen claps her hands to signal the start of the meeting. Parents, many of whom are still giggling, rush to claim a chair.
“Good evening. This month’s theme is Family. The children in both classes have answered a number of questions about their families and tonight we are going to share those of Kelly’s son.”
She strides to the easel and begins reading aloud.
“First Question: How many people are in your family?”
“Answer: There should be four but my dad died so there’s three.”
Thankfully that’s common knowledge. I’m spared the usual gasps of sympathy that decimate all hopes of spontaneous conversation. It’s been two years since his dad passed away and while I’m open to talking about it I’d rather not allow his death to define us.
The next three questions are innocuous ones about past and present family pets and the names of favourite cousins and uncles. I begin to relax.
Fool me.
“Fifth Question: What makes your mommy mad?”
“Answer: When my sister or I knock over her wine glass and the red goes all over the carpet and the wall. She shouts and says it looks like a murder scene.”
A fresh wave of laughter rolls over the assembled party. I can’t deny it. It’s frustrating when one second of tomfoolery results in spillage and yes the glistening ruby drops do resemble a scene of carnage. But to have such an impact on my little man? Ouch. Bad Mommy.
“Sixth Question: What do you like to do as a family?”
“Answer: Eat dinner downstairs on Friday nights and watch a movie.”
I can sense my shoulders easing as many in the crowd admit this is a fond family tradition in their households also.
Only a few more to go.
Karen pauses a moment. Is she trying not to laugh? Oh my gawd. She is.
“Seventh Question: What’s your favourite movie?”
“Answer: I like fierce movies but Mommy never let’s me watch them. I have to always watch girly movies like Jerry Maguire and The Birdcage and You’ve Got Mail and My Best Friend’s Wedding …”
Just as the group reaction morphs into two distinct camps with the women nodding their heads and the men seriously shaking theirs, Karen winks in my direction. Now what?
“He went on to name at least seven other chick flicks but we were running out of space so I cut him off at these four.’
Distinctly manly murmurings of “poor kid” and “let’s have him over for a proper movie night” are followed up with masculine cinematic alternatives of Men In Black, Starship Troopers, Tomorrow Never Dies…
“Eighth Question: What is your favourite sport?”
“Answer: Hockey. I want to play hockey but Mommy won’t let me. She says she’ll only get up early for a sport both my sister and I want to do. So I play lacrosse instead. The practices are at night.”
The room erupts. Cries of “We’ll take him with us to early morning practice!” vies with “Lucky mom. I hate watching my son play.”
Karen interrupts once again. “Calm down please. We’ve got two more questions to answer.”
Sweet Jesus.
“Ninth Question: What is your Mommy’s favourite thing to do?”
I am seriously holding my breath at this point with my nails digging into the palms of my hands. Please let him innocently answer along the lines of knitting, running, going to the gym, reading to us …
“Answer: Drink wine. She likes to drink vats of it.”
Laughter explodes all around me. Not surprisingly, no one is interested in my bleated explanation. No one cares that we’ve just watched a Robin Hood movie where the vat usage figured prominently.
Surely we’re done? Nope. Karen flips the poster board over and her face reveals that this final question is a special secret one that no one else has read.
“Tenth Question: How old is Mommy?”
“Answer: 62”
Dissolve to black.
I’m still living that one down. And yes, for the record? Almost 16 years have passed since that special night and I’ve yet to hit 60. Thank you.
Enough about me and that particular evening I thought I would die. I’m curious about you. Have you ever been skewered outed like this? How about suffering other means of being embarrassed to the point you’d be happy to curl up and fade away? Or has life been one carefree, unspillable wine glass? If you’d care to share I’d love to hear.
64 Responses
Priceless. Simply priceless. Your stories never fail to leave me in stitches! Vats of wine, indeed! I need to come over to your house to watch some chick flicks and drink wine!
You certainly do! And guess what? The chick flick library has grown exponentially in the intervening years I’m delighted to report! Wahoo! Red or white?
I’m dying laughing. I love love love it!!! 62?? VATS??? AWESOME. I think your kids just may inherit your incredible gift of storytelling from you… but you know, maybe they make more of it up than you do!! I love this!!!
Thanks for your kind words Kristi. The evening is seared in my memory bank and after I wrote it the vats of wine were seriously calling. Ha! I actually sought out my son’s permission to post his pic and write this post. His immediate response of an affirmative text has me thinking the dear boy has no recollection of this tender moment. However should I ask him to update his answers I do suspect they’d be somewhat similar …
My son would have answered with probably kegs of beer. LOL Loved your story!
Kegs of beer! Equally delightful.
Hahahaha! Oh my! Kids! They sell us out sometimes, don’t they? And who in the world does not need vats of wine? LOL
Yes indeed – who in the world does not need vats of wine. Bless you for pointing that out. Off to pull one out for the weekend. Enjoy yours!
Out of the mouth of babes!!!! My favorite gift from the kids is when they had to draw a picture of me – and answer questions about me. Their answers are hilarious – and I’ve always been afraid of the favorite drink question…yet to be busted though:)>.
Plenty of time yet to be busted Allie! Heh heh! How fun that they also draw pictures of you. Those must be treasures. In prep for this post I went through my son’s keepsake box and looked at all his drawings and notes he’d done over the years. Such gems. Also some wonderful future wedding zingers …
Too funny!
Thank goodness my boys never had to fill out a form like that. I’d hate to think what their answers would have been.
You’re blessed Kathy! It’s funny – my daughter had the same teacher and she never had to do this. I was spared.
That seems like an ambush. Especially since yours was the only one they shared.
How kind of you to say. Thank you! I’m so glad you brought this up. Karen the teacher came up to me later and apologized. It seems my son’s was the tamest of the lot. She was giggling and mumbling fragments of “beer for breakfast” “mommy and daddy’s locked bedroom door” “playing hide and seek and never finding mommy”!etc. I think she was inferring I got off easy …
Wow.
Exactly.
HaHa – this was so funny (since it wasn’t me:) – pretty sure that my youngest mentioned my love of wine on more than one occasion when he was much younger but fortunately his teachers have always been friends so they already knew!!!
Well you are indeed blessed. That was my mistake. I should have befriended the teacher! Ha! Actually she told me I got off easy compared to some of the other parents. I was itching to read them!
Wait, is all that so wrong? Because at our kindergarten conference last year the male assistant teacher elbowed my husband as he said, “So Jasper reported that his favorite drink is beer…” Seriously.
Everyone else at that little parenty thing you were at was just chuckling from the giddy relief that their kid hadn’t given up the meth lab in the basement or the pot growing among the tomato plants. 😉
Thank the lord for people like you. Oh I cannot tell you how wide my smile is right now! Thank you. As for the basement meth lab/pot hobby farms my kids had a swimmer on their team who was just lovely. Always dishing $ out for after practice treats. He sported the sparkliest diamond stud in his earlobe. At 11. Mom and dad drove the poshest of cars and both were draped in gold chains. Fast forward six years and my son reports they are dealers. So glad I no longer have to keep THAT a secret from my two.
vats of wine? lol
I loved the combination chick flicks and wine…you go Kelly!!
Thanks Ruchira. I will! got a lovely list all lined up when my son gets home for Christmas vacation. :))
Oh my goodness, I have tears running down my face. That is hilarious. I always knew you were a lush ( haha). It reminds me of when my girls were in elementary school and they had to do their daily journals, there was always way too much family information leaked out !! Thanks for the wonderful laugh !!!
Oh yes the daily journals! Absolutely cringeworthy. However, it was always a hoot when I’d read the teachers comments. Especially the ones with a sense of humor. “I do hope Mommy enjoyed her party …” There’s nothing like being a parent, is there?
That would have been embarrassing! What was that teacher thinking?!?!?!?
Apparently my son’s responses were the tamest. She pulled me aside and apologized but said she had no choice. I suspect she might not have asked the same questions in future “My Family” theme months.
haha!! It got better and better!
This is on a small scale but at our preschool conference once, the teacher showed me a family portrait my daughter had done with the four of us.. plus a strange extra kids.. plus… SEVEN cats.
The teachers must have thought we were nuts. We had ZERO cats at that time.
Noooooo! An extra kid and seven cats? Oh man I love that. Oh the stories teachers must share over a glass of wine or six and around the dinner table …
How I would love to sit over vats of wine with you, and listen to you telling me story after story. You are my favorite story-teller ever! And your son has a delightful way with words too.
While cleaning out my closet yesterday I came across birthday cards from my kids, all of which depict their wishes amidst beautiful pictures of cocktails… apparently I can only have a happy birthday if I’m drinking. They know me so well ;). Happy Friday, happy weekend dear Kelly. Thank you for sharing your fabulous story.
Thank you so much for your kind words Nicki. I would also love to sit and share vats of wine with you! Or perhaps cocktails of your choosing. You’ve got me grinning ear to ear here. Have a wonderful weekend yourself. C H E E R S!
I seriously am glad Emma totally didn’t rat me out today, but still from start to finish you had me giggling with you of course, but still giggling nonetheless. And how is that even though you went through this 10 years give or take before me, you always know just when to post so I can totally feel like we are going through it together! 🙂
I know it’s becoming rather spooky isn’t it Janine? However – spooky in a good way. Loooking forward to seeing what we connect together on next…
Bwa ha ha! You should totally out “H” on this! 🙂
And if you spill red wine all over it DOES look like a murder scene. And red wine has a special place in my heart, too, so the kids should be respectful of it.
Yes, Katy I should!!! He hasn’t commented on the post other than to the prepost request as to whether I could use that photo of him. A few of his girl pals follow me so perhaps they’ll share this with him and offer him a vat or two of red… Hope that one day you and I can share a vat together ourselves.
I’m thinking laughter can be measured in vats just as easily as wine, and there are some mighty filled vats here. You are hilarious! And I’m glad you survived those tricky childhood years. 🙂
Oh survival was sometimes by the skin of my teeth Deborah. The skin of my teeth. Thank you for your kind words. It’s been an interesting ride not only for me but for my kids as well I suspect. Am a titch worried about the potential of them blogging about life with me one day … :))
Well add me to the body count! I just about DIED LAUGHING!
OMG!!! That is the funniest thing EVER! I’m laughing so hard I can hardly breathe!! It’s not just one answer….oh no….it was VATS OF ANSWERS!!! Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!
Lucy once wrote in preschool that my hobbies were talking on the phone and answering emails. I was so embarrassed…until now! 😀
This is my new favorite thing!! Tweeting…Pinning….sharing all the ways!!! –Lisa
Grinning here over the “talking on the phone and answering emails.” That’s a delightful image and how nice to have that shared with the group as well!
As I sit here glugging back my red wine at my advanced age and mopping up the murder scene, I can’t help but wonder about the other comments of my son’s classmates. The teacher said his were the tamest of the bunch. Oh to have been privy to the others …
Bless you for sharing Lisa. Thank you.
C H E E R S!
Kelly, okay–it’s official. Your family, neighborhood, and school now know that you’re the best time in town. Oh, and since I taught preschool, 62 is pretty much the average age of a parent. You’re safe on that one. The rest? Not so much. They totally have your number. :))
Oh you must have stories Susan. I’d love to share a vat – either red or white – and listen to them. 62 is average? Delightful.
That is hilarious. I’m almost tempted to interview my own children (in private) to see what they say. Then make them edit and rehearse their answers just in case someone else asks.
Yes, yes Tat! Do! I highly encourage a dress rehearsal. Apparently my son’s answers were the tamest of the lot…
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!! Not only was your post creating such tears of laughter streaming down my face, but also the stories from others in the comments.
Kelly, I am so glad I took time to read your post. You are quite the story teller. I hope you share with us whenever the time has come for the wedding zingers you have planned. I bet his reactions will be priceless!
Thank you Elda for your lovely comments! It was really quite the night of revelation. Since then I’ve been mining a wealth of wedding zingers and will indeed share with one and all. He is due, is he not? :))
Kudos to you for seeing the humor in a very embarrassing situation! Personally, I find it inexcusable that the teacher CHOSE to publicly shame you in order to provide entertainment for the other parents. “I had no choice” is a real cop-out. At a bare minimum, she should have asked for your permission.
You raise an interesting point Beth. Thank you for that.
Please know if I had been in the room I would have been the one to run up to you and say, “you are a mom who drinks vats of wine and has great taste in movies. Can we please be best friends??”
Oh Allison I have a feeling you and I would be very good friends! C H E E R S!
BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! *inhales* BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Oh my GOSH how did you stay in that room?? I bet everyone was dying with laughter and possibly relief that THEIR kid didn’t divulge all their stuff!!
Your writing is so intricate and beautiful, even painting this hilarious picture of the best “mommy spotlight scene” ever!
Thank you for your very kind words Chris! I was lucky. It was my third back to back preschool year (my two are 20 months apart and a year apart in school) and I knew the teacher and the parents really well. They were hooting with delight at yet another Kelly antic and I was rather used to it! Also – if I’m really honest my life has always been quirky. This was just one more instance. AND YES – everyone was beyond delighted their angel’s responses weren’t under the spotlight.
Well, this is one less thing I have to worry about! When I take the dogs to training, they never ever tell on me. Well, hardly ever. Thank you for all the laughs. Sounds like your son is just as funny a writer as you are.
Oh you are blessed Harmony. And if they did tell on you, you’re probably the only one who would understand what they were communicating!
I think I was holding my breath for the last two questions. That was hilarious!!!! I know my son has seen movies where all of a sudden he’s using a new word he learned whether it’s applicable or not. ‘Vat’s’ too cute!
Oh you’ve got lots of good times ahead of you Kenya! I wish I’d written down all the funny things my two came up with.
I actually did 😉 I published them in a book title The Christopher Chronicles. The first book is things he said at five. I’m working on compiling the second book of age 6 Christopherisms.
What?! How fantastic! He is such a lucky guy to be able to go back and reread and reread. Good on you.
One of my girls told a (tall) tale recently of me eating Oreos off the floor. At the hospital where her sister was born. This was the kid who just turned 17.
If yours was the tamest – I hope your teacher now writes a blog that details the rest of them! I wonder if pot growing, craps-playing, nude-beach trolling antics would be the ones that render wine vats tame!
Oreos off the floor? In the delivery room? Or in the hospital room? Hugely grinning here. I banned my late husband from sucking hard candies during the birth of our second. The rustling of the paper as he took them off, the loud slurping noises followed up with over the top crunching sounds as he chomped them drove me crazy the first time around …
Thank you for your refreshing take on the other children’s answers to the My Family questions. If she did – she’d soon have over a 1000 followers I suspect. I’ll mention it when I next see her outside with her current batch of preschoolers.
I’m pretty sure my kids didn’t even know the word “vat” at that age, so I think the other parents should have been focusing on your son’s excellent vocabulary! I’m sure I’ve been embarrassed by my kids in a preschool project too, but I’ve conveniently blocked it out. With vats of wine.
Cheers to the blocking of the preschool antics. Saluting you with a glass of red held high!
Thank you for sharing. I can feel you shrinking in your seat. Raising a glass to you for sharing!
Thank you! Life is never dull I must say.
Awesome. Just, awesome. 🙂
Heh, Heh! Thank you! It was actually rather fun rehashing it here. Much more fun that when I lived it!