Astounding. An innocent Google of the word “angry” whipped me to a site with 75 definitions. 75. Of one word. I thought I was clever to come up with ten.
Have a seat class. Today we look at the top ten degrees of authentic mommy fury.
You see I’m tired of reading about the constant need to strive to be the best mom you can be. Or how to deal with the ensuing guilt when one fails. I”m sorry but if 20 years of mothering have taught me anything it’s that it is damn near impossible to be perfect mommy every day. Sometimes life interferes and trips you up. Perfect mommy turns into horrid mommy.
It’s not a direct pathway though. I have finally accepted that there are varying degrees of maternal anger. These degrees are usually in direct correlation with the perceived degree of childish fault and your level of tiredness.
Ok let’s begin. We’ll progress from the marshmellowy mild to the caustic fury.
Top Ten Degrees of Authentic Mommy Fury
1st Degree – Mere Peanuts
Symptoms:
Marginal if at all. Perhaps a quick second glance or a rapid eye blink.
Potential Causes:
Your child stumbles slightly while carrying the full glass of milk to the table. Not one drop spills.
2nd Degree – Fräulein Maria Land
Symptoms:
Slow and very mild onset. Indeed the unperceptive may experience nothing more than a sudden intake of breath. The common perception is an awareness of a mild variation in the course of the path in front. There’s a slight dip, a modicum weave. Recovery is swift.
Potential Causes:
Your 18-year-old son decrees that he will come in five minutes to look at your half written blog post instead of your requested “right now.”
3rd Degree – One Ear Cocking
Symptoms:
You’re aware of a potential problem. Something is brewing. It could go either way. While the anger alert button is threatening you choose to remain calm yet mindful.
Potential Causes:
After initially irrationally refusing to allow her brother to use her earbuds your 20-year-old daughter relents. The verbal insults stop.
4th Degree – Thumb Curling
Symptoms:
Your attention is caught and focused. You are aware there is a problem and it discomforts you. Your thumbs start to curl as you ponder the extent of your imminent involvement.
Potential Causes:
Your 20-year-old daughter adamantly refuses to allow her brother to use her earbuds even though she won’t be using them herself in the foreseeable future. He argues back. The threat of physical harm between them is there but thankfully not put in practise.
5th Degree – Locked and Loaded
Symptoms:
Your attention is riveted. Outwardly you appear passive but inside you are smouldering.
Potential Causes:
Son grabs the earbuds and escapes to the bathroom where he slams and locks the bathroom door. After what seems like an hour but is merely a moment he opens the door and hurls the purloined numbers at his sister’s back.
6th Degree – Beyond Smouldering
Symptoms:
The thumb curling has advanced to your toes. A warm heat suffuses from your feet, through your limbs to your brain. Your heart rate and breathing increase exponentially. You spark, run into the centre of the problem and take immediate action in the form of verbal scolding and issuing of threats.
Potential Causes:
Daughter lashes out due to sudden onset of stinging back pain. Her right fist pounds into her brother’s left humerus. He shouts, swears and virulently accuses her of having highly suspect taste in music.
7th Degree – Being Driven Beyond It
Symptoms:
*** WARNING *** For the first time your rational thinking is compromised. You could find yourself yelling irrational comments and ordering adult children to their individual bedrooms for a time out. “Necessities” such as their iPods might be gathered up and squirreled away for an indefinite period of time.
Potential Causes:
The physical touching escalates into a full-blown shoving match between your two once darling children. One pushes the other down onto the floor and sits squarely on their foe’s supine form. Hair is pulled and skin is scratched.
8th Degree – Full Moon
Symptoms:
Rather than reacting to a fight, this degree is in response to a fright. The most common symptoms are the initial “what were you thinkings” followed immediately by the bursting into shoulder racking sobs and breath crushing hugs. Note: The mere remembrance of said incident can provoke a sudden lump in throat years later.
Potential Causes:
Your 5 year-old-daughter stumbles into the kitchen clutching her throat. She’s choking on a toy ring she just found in the pocket of her old winter coat. You fling your arms around her chest, make a furtive fist and frantically perform the Heimlich manoeuvre. The ring explodes out of her throat and flops innocently onto the kitchen floor.
9th Degree – Blistering
Symptoms:
Oh I suspect I needn’t go into too much detail here.
Potential Causes:
You tell me. If I start I’ll never stop.
10th Degree – Beyond Frozen.
Symptoms:
Beyond angry, you cannot speak. All are frozen out. Especially the perpetrator.
Potential Causes:
Despite all assurances that he’s got it covered, your son manages to forget to pack the key item needed on the week-long vacation. Knowing you’ll miss the ferry and all connecting travel arrangements, you are forced to return home and retrieve it.
And there you have it. My top ten degrees of authentic mommy fury. Lucky you if you believe degree #9 takes precedence over degree #10. That means you have yet to experience the freezing delight of being angry beyond frozen. I hope you never do.
In closing, I should add that my two adult children assure me that their friends and other family members view them as happy and well-adjusted human beings even though they were exposed to my varying degrees of anger. There’s hope for us all.
Enough about me and my top ten degrees of authentic mommy fury. I’m curious about you. Are you the perfect mommy who always manages to hold it together with patient sweetness and light? If so, how on earth do you manage it? Or are you more like me and get apoplectic every now and then? Better yet, did the very idea of this post set you spinning off in a hyperbolic rant? If you’d care to share, I’d love to hear.
20 Responses
Oh, Kelly, I wish I could identify with these levels from a mother’s point of view! Unfortunately, I was the daughter with a mother who remained in levels 7 and beyond. I learned at an early age to try to avoid any wrath at all costs. I desperately wanted peace. Unfortunately, I did not learn how to deal with anger other than to suppress it. Not a healthy thing! Our teenage daughter told me one time that it is ok to fight, fight fairly, and forgive.
I really enjoyed reading your top ten degrees!!
So lovely to have you pop by and leave a comment Ruth. Thank you. I am struck by the wonderful gift that your daughter gave you. You also reminded me of yet another perspective on the anger front – that of the children. So very true. It recalled the case of a dear friend who grew up as an only child. She told me she learned to settle disagreements only when she became a mom.
Isn’t it amazing that even past their teens an argument between our children that basically amounts to “she won’t share” or “he touched me” can set them into a wild tizzy and us into an advanced stage fury? I’m sure that I have experienced the 10th degree but fortunately I have such a terrible memory I’ve saved myself from recalling the details. Deep breaths, right?
Deep breaths indeed Mo! I’d forgotten that I used to count to ten (and sometimes 50) before reacting when my kids were small. I might have to bring that practice back into being. Hahaha! Delighted to learn you are familiar with the wild tizzy response …
Do you mean to tell me that the sibling squabbling between my 9 and 7 year old is not going to stop soon. It truly sends me bonkers when all i can hear is he touched me, she looked at me, he is copying me, Muuuuummmmmmm. The most recent explosion came when I reminded myself they do need to manage this themselves and I distracted myself by editing my photo to post for the day. As they began to escalate and my photo neared perfection the planets collided and I accidentally deleted my photo, as the final whaling mum was let out. Needless to say I did intervene and it was far from serene.
Oh Karen I know. That drove me bonkers too. Absolutely bonkers. As for your photo deletion – oh my. That would put me straight to #9 and possibly #10. Of course it happened when you were trying to distract yourself and “allow” them to manage themselves. Can’t believe how much your life mirrors mine …
Okay, so before I start on my levels of anger (after reading this, I feel like my baseline is about a 5, by the way…I am not proud of that, just honest), I must address the grown(ish) children still fighting. Say it isn’t so Kelly??!! I had such high hopes for the future. Seriously, though, this is SO FUNNY, because it is so true. And for anyone who has never been at a 10, I say “lucky you”! ;)-Ashley
Yes – here’s to the folks who’ve never experienced #10 Ashley! As for the grown(ish) children still fighting … I guess the difference is that you needn’t step in as often to sort it out. Does that make sense?
I’m afraid my 10 degrees of Mama-fury can be assessed by the volume of my voice and the strength of my physical actions; I’ve slammed the car door so hard it ceased to open (with all four kids in the car) and the guys down at the lobster pier asked my husband, “Are you the people who always yell at your kids?” And we were staying a solid city-block distance away. Always keep it classy, am I right?
Perhaps the anger dials down a bit as they get older? Fingers crossed!
(Funny post, as usual!)
Oh you make me smile. Slammed the door so hard it ceased to open? And all four are inside? Oh that is classic mom stuff. Love, love, love your honesty. Hope the lobster pier chaps gave you a discount.
Oh – I didn’t even know there were the first 5 – I usually go to at least 6!! I have worked on my temper for years and, while it’s better, I always struggle!!!
That whole bunny/ferry thing would have done me in for sure!!! I still might be the tiniest bit mad (I’m pretty bad at just forgetting and letting go completely!!).
And – really – the grown kids still fight?! I thought that those days would soon be long gone:(
Love that you are unfamiliar with the first five! Temper is a delightful thing isn’t it? It always needs to be worked on – at least I think so. Oh yes, that bunny/ferry thing is a family classic. “Remember the time…” My two have never seen me so mad – here’s hoping it’s the last time.
Hahahahaha! Oh, I can only imagine! I guess this explains a lot about many of my friends. I think I may have experienced some of your mid range levels with friends and colleagues from time to time. All I can say is, keep remembering that “this too, shall pass….” xoxoxo
Wow. That was my late husband’s favourite phrase. Yes,” this too. shall pass…” Thanks for reminding me!
(Hi Kelly!)
When I read the authentic furry title and then “Fräulein Maria Land” I started laughing. I know all of your posts are not laugh attacks, but that image of you as fraulein singing and skipping in the hills alive with cyan flowers swaying to gentle breezes just gave me a hearty one. Chuckle that is. So good.
Watching siblings maneuver squabbles is highly entertaining (if they’re not your children). Yours especially so.
Me? I have a little Maria in me. When things get hot, I’d describe myself as grabbing a guitar to run outdoors to sing to the sky, leaving and losing out on all that good stuff you witness and describe. <3
Fraulein Maria Land makes me smile too. Thanks Susan once again for your never ending support and good humour! I’m grinning here picturing you dancing amongst the cyan flowers …
I remember that story with your son and the ferry – beyond frozen for sure! This was dead on, Kelly. And your dog and my dog could be siblings – have I told you that before?
No you haven’t told me that our dogs could be siblings Dana. That’s so cool. In temperment or appearance? Or perhaps both?
Kelly, thank you for telling it like it is! And for the blessed assurance that my kids, now 11 and 7, will fight with each other and not share or share begrudgingly for all time to come. 🙂
Hahahaha Katy! There is hope. My son has been away for four days and today he comes home. His sister actually revealed she can’t wait until he gets back as she misses having him around. Wow. Long may she feel that way …