Enjoy a delicious Easter breakfast after a cheery, wondrous Easter egg hunt, did you? Excellent. I’ve got a wee just typikel Easter treat for you myself.
Before I begin I have a question for you. Are you a tad squeamish? If so, I suggest you add a bit of brandy to your coffee. You’re gonna need it.
You’d be forgiven for thinking this was another tale about our darling devil Oscar but no this precedes his arrival by a good ten years.
Slaughter at Easter – Laughter With A Capital S
It is my first Easter as a McKenzie; I’ve been a bride for just under a year. My husband John has fallen into bed after working a hectic 12 hour overnight shift as the on call x-ray technician at the local hospital. Mumbling an indecipherable “Happy Easter” he falls annoyingly right to sleep. He always does that; I’m still not used to it.
The bedside clock alerts me to the fact that it’s 7:00 AM. Knowing John will be snoozing for at least a good six hours I swing my legs over the side of the bed blearily anticipating the restorative powers of a cup of coffee. My left foot lands on a slippery, hard object. Instantly all evil thoughts of my husband’s absurd sleeping abilities vanish. The darling has left me an Easter egg trail of foil wrapped chocolate eggs; an unexpected treat. How very thoughtful. What a wonderfully new tradition too! I didn’t grow up with Easter egg trails but rather a blind Easter egg hunt through our dewy backyard.
A wee reconnaissance reveals John has laid a rather long trail. It winds along the foot of the bed, through the doorway and down the hall to the front door. Still in my t-shirt nightie, I tiptoe back to our bedroom to pull on a pair of sweats. There’s bound to be a neighbour out running or walking the dog.
I haul open the front door and am beyond tickled to see that the trail meanders down the front steps, takes a sharp jog to the left and then winds along the sidewalk to the back of the house. This is just so much fun! I bend down and eagerly pick up each shiny foil wrapped chocolate egg. With my hoodie pocket filling up quickly I step closer to the side gate. Gingerly. I’ve overlooked the need for shoes. Does the trail go beyond the gate? It does! A lone purple foil number glitters from atop one of the cedar planks. I scoop it up and swing open the gate. Five more foil wrapped chocolate eggs entice me into the backyard.
My heart swells with each bend and snatch. What a considerate guy my husband. It doesn’t escape my notice that they are quality Purdy’s chocolate eggs either. The lovely thoughts of gratitude now extend to his dear mother who has raised him well. “Always buy quality.”
As my bare feet begin to burn with cold I spot the misplaced green wooden carpenter’s horse and note the trail seems to end there. Mincing painfully I inch closer to the horse.There is a clearish bag of some sort sitting on top. OH HOW FUN! Bless you John. Eggs and a treasure!
Greedy thoughts flood my mind. I’m now beyond certain that it’s a Purdy’s solid chocolate bunny. I love those heavenly creatures.
I lean in for confirmation.
The vision is somewhat alarming. My first look reveals a filthy plastic cover. My second, a crumpled and oddly limp purple ribbon which lies a good two inches from it’s expected spot. I lift up the ribbon carefully. Oh my god. It’s horrific.
My treasure was a six-inch solid milk chocolate Purdy’s bunny. It is now something decidedly different. Not only are both the deliciously cute little rabbit ears missing but so is the chubby round head! The remaining four-inch body is deeply rended with vicious life altering gouges.The headless lump is shiny wet/white with globules of saliva; not one part of this cottontail beauty remains unlicked or sampled. Clearly some wild animal has attacked the sweet bunny that was meant for me. And very, very recently. Oh my god. A racoon surely. Those cute little bandits are known to be vicious. But where is it now?
Convinced the creature is imminently about to reclaim its quarry, I back up slowly and flee for the kitchen. John must see this. The poor guy. He’ll be devastated. Snatching up my pair of thankfully thick oven mitts I return to the scene of the crime. To hell with my bare feet. Gagging uncontrollably I mitten the lump of chocolate, its soggy ripped bag and limp purple ribbon and cradle them carefully at the end of my stiff outstretched arms.
“Wake UP! A racoon has attacked my bunny!”
His loving, thoughtful and sympathetic reaction? One eye opens. Then slowly shuts. He rolls over and with his back now turned away from me he tugs the duvet up carefully over his exposed shoulder. I strain to hear past his stifled giggle and manage to catch his declarative snort.
“Nah. Far too messy for raccoons. It was most likely rats. Just cut off the worst bits and eat the rest …”
Yes. Slaughter at Easter – Laughter with a capital S.
29 Responses
Oh my! How are your feet? Who would think that a delicious, top of the line, pristine chocolate rabbit would survive the wilds as it waited to be retrieved? Silly rabbit, tricks are for kids! lol!
I hope you enjoyed the rest of the foil wrapped eggs. Sometimes, the smaller the gift, the yummier it is!
Happy Easter and much love to you! ♥
Thanks Jean – got a huge grin out of me with your response! Feet are great thanks. Now. Could not agree with you more – good things come in small packages. Did you know I’m just under 5′ 2″?
This is a classic story Kelly ! John must have made some “wild animal ” very happy ! Love his response !
Happy Easter to you !
And a very Happy Easter to you Jane! Day late perhaps but maybe you’re chowing down tonight to turkey, ‘sprouts and gravy. Hope the turkey is/was brined …
HA! HA! Too funny! What a guy! Happy Easter
Happy Easter to you too Debbie. Hope you found your chocolate intact this year.
“Just cut off the worst bits and eat the rest …”
Yes, I’d do that for good chocolate 🙂
Perfect. Next time I’ll pop it in the mail … Got a huge smile out of me this morning! Thanks for that Kathy.
You’re welcome for the smile. My response was written before I broke my Lenten chocolate fast, so that may have colored it just a wee bit 🙂
However, I still think you could make it work if you baked it into brownies or cookies.
I might be able to make it work but I just couldn’t. Nope. Couldn’t.
LOL – only you could make the connection between laughter and slaughter – and what a fine chocolate-covered connection it is!
Thanks Deborah. I know – just typikel.
BWAH HA HA HA!! As if the fact that it was rats was supposed to make you feel better!! Seriously, though, what an AWESOME hubby for surprising you with that trail of yummy chocolate! :)-Ashley
Yes it was very kind of John to do that for me. However to this day I can’t look at a solid chocolate bunny without thinking of cute little rats gnawing away … Hahaha!
HAHAHA this is too funny! So I’m assuming you did NOT then cut off the bits attacked by the pack of rats or other wild animal and eat the rest? Still though a big “awe!!” for your husband’s thoughtfulness!
No = good guess… Gave the entire bunny a worthy send off in the trash …
Got it in one. Damage sustained by the torso was horrific. The visual gouges were enough but the wet saliva put me over the top…
Eeeeeeeeeew! I can handle mice, squirrels, possums, snakes, lizards, spiders and raccoons, but rats? Eeeeeeeeek!
Thank you Linda. Thank you.
This makes me a bit sad that I don’t celebrate Easter. I would love to wake up to a trail of chocolate eggs. The ravaged bunny? Not so much. I also loved your Oscar story – he was just biding his time until he made his move!
Yes Oscar was just biding his time. He was exceptionally good at that and at adopting the most innocent of faces. Not to worry he had telltale smeared chocolate and bits of foil wrapper clinging to his chin.
Hahaha awwww! That’s so sweet that he did that for you!! But yes– definitely TypiKel right there!
Somehow his rolled over body and pathetic cover up of a snorted chuckle dampened the sweetness Aussa!
It’s a good thing I’m not your neighbor ’cause I could’ve been the culprit. Would’ve been if I stumbled across such a tasty morsel. First thing I chow down on are the ears. Then the head.That’s just the way I eat ’em. Same goes for those marshmallow Peeps.
In fact I think I might use the rat story next time I nibble on something 🙂
Don’t forget to leave saliva droplets over every morsel not nibbled or gnawed …
Oh that’s brilliant! How sweet of him after a 12 hour shift… and how impolite of the rats! Of course the big question is… did you eat the rest?!
Ab-so-lute-ly not. Couldn’t bring myself to do it. The physical damage on the little body was horrific. All I could think about was the delightful potential of wanton germs being injected deeply into the torso…
But chocolate! 😉 I once watched some rats eating the remnants of somebody’s MacDonalds on a bench at Piccadilly Circus… they were surprisingly polite about it, I thought!
Completely understand. A great favourite of ours was to watch the crows delicately dive into leftover MacDonalds here! They too are surprisingly polite!