If I could go back in time it would be to 1986. Once there I’d react differently. I’d read the instructions first instead of just tossing my mother’s charming rape alarm gift into my purse. Why? So I could blessedly avoid that embarrassingly unfortunate rape alarm incident.
Allow me to recreate the event so that you can cringe along with me understand why I would do this.
It’s 1986 and I’m training for my first marathon. I’m also on a buying trip in Southeast Asia with my mother for work. Long story short: I’ll be running alone on unfamiliar streets at the coolest part of the day. Dawn. Mom is worried for my safety and after “exhaustive research” has come up with what she considers the perfect solution.
“A discreet and shrillingly loud personal safety alarm designed for easy placement in sports bags, purses, belt loops etc.”
In short, a rape alarm.
Really? At least it’s small. I manage a contrived smile and a token cursory glance, then chuck it into my purse. Where it will sit forgotten for days. Until we hit Bangkok.
Embarrassingly unfortunate rape alarm incident.
“I’m so excited you’re finally going to meet Pilat and his lovely wife. They are the gentlest, kindest people.”
Ok I must add a little more colour so you can truly appreciate the depths of my impending embarrassment. On first impressions, Thailand in 1986 is a peaceful, gentle country. Elephants still roam the remote highways up north, saffron robed monks beam serenely from their blankets on grassy knolls and the beautiful, glossy haired women walk gracefully arm in arm. Life is beauty, calmness and serenity.
Mom and I are about to be picked up and taken to lunch by her Thai friends, Pilat and Anong. I trust she’ll do most of the talking. My brain is a bit foggy as I’m tired and hungry; this morning’s training run was a slog. A humid hour and a half long.
Mercifully, the small and immaculately polished car pulls up right on time. Pilat and his wife remain inside. The hotel doorman, outfitted in a gorgeous costume of gold threaded voluminous pants and a tight-fitting jacket complete with winged shoulder pads, steps forward and opens the passenger door closest to the curb with a flourish. I slide in first. The interior is pristine. Two crisp and plump linen pillows grace the back seat. A full box of tissues, encased in silk, sits below the back window. Clearly we are welcome. I instantly relax. Once we’re both settled Mom leads off the introductions; our hosts turn and smile sweetly from the front seat.
“Pilat and Anong! Lovely to see you again. This is my daughter Kel …” She gets no further. An ear-splitting, piercing howl shatters the serenity.
At first no one moves. We can’t. The sound is mind-numblingly loud. It’s relentless. My brain gradually engages. As the caterwauling wails wash over us and my ears shut down in defence, my vision remarkably sharpens. Our hosts are frozen in their seats. I see just the backs of their heads; elbows jutting out at 45 degrees with hands clamped firmly over their ears. Are they speaking? I strain to listen and just make out the frantic wisps of Pilat’s perfect slightly accented English. “What is that dreadful noise???”
Outside Mr. Gold Threaded Voluminous Pants is mute, incapable of response. He’s positively paralyzed. His head tilts to the side; his face a mask of confusion.
My head swivels to my seatmate. Stirring to action she is a wonder. Her arms flail as both hands grab for the door handle. Of course. She knows the source of this atrocious din.
“Thai Bees! It’s a swarm! They’ll sting us alive! OPEN THE DOORS!!!“
As her fingers claw at the window buttons, Voluminous Pants spurs to action. He races around and around the car, flapping his arms; an obvious attempt to wave away the nasty invasion. Once she solves her door dilemma, Mom reacts somewhat oddly herself. She fans said door in perfect synchronicity with the doorman’s flapping arms; it’s a miracle the car doesn’t take flight. If the shrieking sound emanating from our vicinity didn’t previously draw the attention of innocent passersby the actions of these two certainly has. All eyes are locked on us. Delightful.
Something snags my attention to the mat under my feet. My disturbingly vibrating purse. The rape alarm. Oh god. No. As my hands scrabble for the surprisingly reluctant zipper and the offending item encased inside, dread slowly overtakes. How do I turn the damn thing off?
If I could go back in time, I’d read the instructions on receipt of the gift. I’d then know to calmly press the teeny “off” button conveniently placed on the edge of the rape alarm’s plastic casing. I wouldn’t fumble with the damn alarm for a good 30 seconds before frantically prying off the battery lid and hurling the world’s weensiest battery blindly out the window. But most importantly my two lovely gentle hosts wouldn’t be subjected to the girl they’ve yet to officially meet brazenly holler “It’s my rape alarm. My rape alarm!”
Could I have yelled it any louder? I think not. Most unfortunate.
Thanks Mom. Yup. That embarrassingly unfortunate rape alarm incident ranks right up there in terms of events I would change if I could go back in time. Let’s just stick to searching for those elusive “shockingly purple pants that old ladies don’t wear” and endless blossoms, shall we?
Enough about me and that embarrassingly unfortunate rape alarm incident. I’m curious about you. Have you ever experienced such embarrassment? Ever? If you’d care to share, I’d love to hear.
59 Responses
Oh man Kelly I just couldn’t help, but laugh here. I am sorry, but this was just too damn funny. But seriously, I so would have down something like this and not read the instructions, because bak in the day, I thought I knew everything!! 🙂
Happy YOU found it amusing Janine. Oh my lord can you say “cringe worthy?”
OMG…LOLOLOLOL…I am so sorry to actually laugh outloud…that is so something I would do…my husband isnsits I carry mase with me at all time…I am so afraid I am going to wind up spraying myself or an innocent bystander.
Oh no worries about the laughter Karen. None at all. It is but a speck of a litany of choice “just typikel” moments. I quite understand your fear that you are going to wind up spraying yourself or an innocent bystander. My postman gave me bear spray after my dog was attacked by another dog and I carried it for a while. Buried in my pocket. I was certain I’d whip it out and spray some poor innocent.
Oh, Kelly!! This made me laugh–out loud. For real! Picturing the chaos and that your mom thought it was a swarm of bees that she would swat away by fanning the car door. Hilarious. Then you yelling “rape alarm” sitting in a pristine car with people you just met …. snort!
Exactly. You get it. They are such a gentle couple too. The concept of rape alarm is not in their world. All I could think of afterwards was “Why on earth would she be carrying a rape alarm out to lunch? With us?”
Kelly, that was indeed laugh out loud funny ! Can’t believe your Mum thought it was a swarm of bees ! Thanks for such an entertaining read !
Oh Jane you’re spot on. Again. Picture her dead certainty. Never mind there isn’t a bee in sight. ANYWHERE.
OH NO! I was so sucked into the whole feeling of utter zen calm, and felt you relax in the lovely car, and just knew that dang thing was going to go off! At least it didn’t go off when they were driving or you may have been killed! Yikes! I love that your mom – the one who got you the rape alarm – assumed it was bees! HAHAH!! Funny story, Kelly!!!
Eewwww – hadn’t though about it going off when we were driving.Yes that could have had a very different outcome. Mom might have lept from the car! Wouldn’t put it past her …
I loved this yesteryear and I love it today. SO SO glad you linked it to Finish the Sentence this week. Cheers too, to the book. I think I told you that I’d started writing a fiction book but quit because I don’t yet know the ending. Maybe I don’t need to. I dunno but I LOVE THAT YOU ARE WRITING A BOOK. <3
Thanks so much, Kristi. I’ll wager your ending will come to you when you least expect it. Get back to it!
OMG, that’s hysterical! Sadly, it brings up a different memory for me … I went to college in Boston, and my roommate one year was a living Barbie Doll (drove me crazy). She would actually come back to the dorm between classes to re-do her hair and make-up (this was an all girl school by the way – who was she trying to impress? And no, she wasn’t a lesbian.) She was also known to finish classes, go back to the dorm, shower and completely re-do her hair and make-up again … to go JOGGING!! While wearing a huge whistle in the event someone tried to attack her. Then there were the nights she worked at a tanning salon. She was petrified of walking there, so I would go with her. It never seemed to phase her any that that meant me walking back by my self, then coming back to pick her up by myself. Sigh … some people!
No, no, no she didn’t. She’d return to the dorm for make-up touchups? And shower BEFORE running? Of course she worked at a tanning salon… Boggles the mind that she gave no consideration to thoughts of your safety. Wish I’d known. You could have borrowed my rape alarm …
NO THANKS!!! That would just have drawn their attention. 😉
Fortunately, the path to the tanning salon was along Boylston/Newbury Streets, two of the busiest streets in the City, so I wasn’t exactly worried about it. Just annoyed me that the thought never crossed her mind.
Yes – so annoying. Always puzzles me when folks just think of themselves. It’s like: “Really?”
very funny – i can picture the voluminous pants too!
Oh they were flapping as he flapped …
OMG! This is the best story! Can I ask where I can purchase a rape alarm? I’m not worried about my safety but would like to use it more for when my kid is behaving badly. I think this would be a great punishment to sound the alarm when she starts whining about the T.V or something.
LOL thanks for the laughs.
Mom got mine at a running store she told me. Mind you that was a “few” years ago. Your idea for its usage is brilliant. Failing a rape alarm how about an air horn?
Oh Kelly, that is priceless! How I love your storytelling- you make a hilarious (and embarrassing) situation even funnier with your vivid details and wry humor.
Thank you Stephanie. My mom just emailed to say she remembers laughing and laughing and laughing – what killer bees?
Kelly I love the way you told that. I was holding my breath for you to turn it off. That was hilarious, you completely had me drawn in a right on the sidewalk with the other bystanders.
Thanks Kenya – it was quite the adventure I have to say. Can’t imagine what our friends thought – especially of me…
I’m sorry, I was laughing out loud over here too. I was imagining those Roman candles going off in that serene Thai village & it made my ears hurt too just imagining the scene!
Oh it was noisy Bianca. It was noisy.
OMG. That is a hilarious story! So sorry you had to go through that but it sure does make a great story now! Wow. I’m still laughing.
Glad YOU could laugh! No, I’m with you Joelle. Looking back it was quite the hilarious situation. I just wonder what our poor hosts were thinking. Probably: “Let’s get lunch over with REALLY quickly …”
If this happened today, you could blame it on your ringtone! Some of them are nearly this horrible!
Yes! You’ve got a point there Harmony. Clever. Should something similar happen – oh and it’s bound to – I’ll revert to that darn old ringtone … Thank you!
Oh Kelly, oh Kelly, Oh Kelly, just when I think I have heard your funniest story you deliver another. Any luck with those purple pants.
Thanks Karen – no, no luck on the purple pants front. However I suspect she is off on another tangent of desire. Having lunch with her tomorrow and I’ll scout it out. Will report back.
Oh I’ve got a good one for ya….and it did involve a ring tone as Harmony mentioned. I was painting a mural in a Catholic Church and just as the Nuns were introducing me to the Priest my phone goes off….” She’s a brick house….Mighty might just letting it all hang out….” Needless to say I could not find my phone fast enough and that ring tone was removed from my phone from that moment on……LOL!
Nooooo – Debbie I am choking with laughter here. Hilarious! So what would happen to me. Oh man alive. Takes me back to that time in gr. 12 when my pal Julie and I used the nuns’ elevator. Yes, Catholic School for Girls. Anywho, we were forbidden to use it but our arms were full of Bibles and we had the other option of a flight of stairs. She looked at me and I looked at her and one of us pushed the elevator button. Doors opened and there was an ancient old nun in there. We stepped in and as her face took on a deep scowl both of us dropped the Bibles. All of them. Doors shut and we spent the brief ride scrambling …
Oh, too funny! I am sure there are a million toilet paper on the shoe, forgot to fully button my dress before standing in front of a classroom of students moments in my life, but this one takes the cake. Brilliant! And I have to say, I love your mother more each post.
Yes – mom is one in a million indeed. I’ll pass on your sentiments. Having lunch with her tomorrow. Your comments remind me of that time I was selling a Chinese screen to a chap in his home and he keep staring at my chest. I refused to look down and kept trying to bring his eyes UP by pointing out the “marvelous flowers, the exquisite and delicate faces etc.” Once I got to the car I realised my blouse was completely unbuttoned. Oh my my …
Classic! Oh, there are so many places to go with this one. Something about Chinese jugs? Keep telling these stories!
Chinese jugs! Funnier than funny. Thank you!
HA HA HA! I can’t stop laughing. We’ve all had our embarrassing moments.That’s a good one. A real good one!
Thanks Amy – it was quite the lunch, let me tell you. Me trying to explain that I don’t normal lunch with said rape alarm …
LOL, well, you know how to make an impression. They’re probably still talking about that one. Which reminds me, I better check out the instructions of the quart size can of bear spray my daughter gifted me with a couple years ago. After moving to the big city she decided I’m in danger every time I walk out the door of our rural home. It’s been sitting in the pantry gathering dust for years but maybe I should learn how to use it in case some tweakers come looking for cash. Bears I’m not afraid of (much) since I have a history of screaming one up a tree…you think your alarm was loud…
Go now. Let nothing distract you. Read the instructions! Love to hear that story of you screaming a bear up a tree – whoa.
Ha! Well, it was pitch dark and I didn’t know it was a bear until after I treed it. Because I don’t make a habit of screaming at bears, y’know. I was actually screaming at my dog to stop chasing the ‘deer’–which ran past me, BTW, so close I could’ve reached out and touched it. Chaos. Total chaos. Me screaming, Bubba going all Kujo on me and then Bambi grew some six inch nails and clump clump clump was thirty feet up a Ponderosa Pine in less than a second. Oops… Next day there was a big old pile of bear poo at the base of the tree. Had a pine cone sticking right up in the middle.
Trying to stop the dog from chasing the “deer”… yup that would be me. In my case my dog was barking at a “stump” … that moved. Not wearing my glasses at the time. You are so lucky that Ponderosa Pine was right there!
Gotta read the instructions! Yes, those things that are meant to shield us from harm can lead us down the path of great embarrassment.
I take it you’re more of an instruction-reader now, Kelly? Thanks for the giggle this morning. I love the way you helped transport me there, like a deaf fly on the back window. lol!
Much love, blessings and peace to you! ♥
I should be more of an instruction reader than I am. Thank you for reminding me Jean!
I genuinely LOL’d at this! OMG so funny! Why did they think it was killer bees? Did they joke about it afterwards or was it uncomfortable?
this reminds me of a time my car horn had a short in it and would sound at random times. I was about 18 at the time, and used to stop for a Big Gulp at 7-11 before work everyday. One morning I pull up right when a man is walking to his car with coffee. Of course my horn honks 3 times right when he’s by the hood! It scared him so bad he spilled his coffee!! LOL
Nooooo – that poor fellow. You probably took years off his life. Reminds me of a story I read about Noddy when I was little. The horn of his car would “parp parp” at random …
No idea why my mother thought it was killerbees nor why Voluminous Pants believed her. If he did – he might have been simply panicking. As to joking – well the lovely Thai couple avoided mentioning it again however Mom and I hoot, no, choke with laughter when one of us brings it up.”What is that dreadful noise?” is the usual lead in …
I missed this story the first time around. If this isn’t a Just Typikel moment, I don’t know what is. Please, please, please tell me that this will be a chapter in your book!
Ha! Thanks, Mo. I’m thinking of keeping the travel stories for a second book. What? A second book? I know. Gotta pound out that first one.
OMG…I laughed so hard, I think I injured a boob. No worries, I am fortunate to have a spare.
Phewf. Good to hear about the spare.
This tale takes the cake!
Thanks, Carol. I must say, life is never dull.
Hahahahahaha! LOVE THIS.
I’m so sorry for you, your mom, and your hosts. But this is a classic.
It truly is, Katy. I still cringe when I think of what the lovely, unsuspecting Thai couple had to go through. If you could have seen them with their hands over their ears, whispering “What is that dreadful noise?”
Classic! Glad it wasn’t Thai bees!
Oh Lynne, so am I.