A funny thing happened on the way to my son’s water polo practise.
It was the very last thing one would expect to see. Especially at 8:30 on a quiet August morning.
It was the peak of the busy summer swim club season and our car was infused with chlorine. My 16-year-old lad had just finished a two-hour swim practice and we were now heading for his one and a half hour water polo practice at another pool twenty minutes away. As he worked his way through two bananas and a yogurt, I was desperately trying to ignore the fact that I was in my usual swim mom state: beyond tired, hungry and in need of a second coffee. Happily, we were almost there.
“Good … god!” Banana boy spluttered mid bite. Realistic mother that I am, I naturally assumed he was complaining about the lack of more food. Frankly he was lucky I hadn’t inhaled his yogurt.
“Mom. Focus. You need to look over there. Now!“
His urgency was arresting. I couldn’t help but look.
A tall and decidedly pudgy gentleman was ambling along the sidewalk across the street. Not ten feet away. He strolled with quite a confident air; his head held erect and his shoulders squared. Yet something was curiously odd. Willing my brain to defog I stole a second look.
Good god indeed. It was truly quite the vision.
Yes, he wasn’t wearing a stitch; he was as starkers as the moment he was born. While his carefree, relaxed grin left no doubt that clothing was off the program for today, his jiggly pasty white skin confirmed this wasn’t the norm. Of course, I pulled over.
Oh my. Close up he was paler than pale.
“And they say I’m pale, Mom. He’s beyond white! I do hope he’s slapped on the sunscreen …”
If not, he’d be fiery red come lunch time…
That did it. In just typikel fashion I began to giggle. My son did as well. We were soon both choking with laughter. It was 8:30 in the morning! On a week day! On the quietest of streets! Suddenly I was no longer tired; I felt quite refreshed in fact.
As he came nearer his confident air was even more impressive. It was honestly astounding. We both admitted we’d be streaking for cover had it been us. He got ever closer and things changed. Suddenly it wasn’t funny anymore. It became worrisome. Oblivious to all but the soothing warmth of the sun on his exposed body he was the essence of naivety. My son and I began to worry for his safety. He was a walking target. We needed to call the police. Now.
With my cellphone foolishly left at home, I gingerly crossed the street in search of a landline; my son carefully keeping an eye on the whereabouts of our innocent charge. Fortunately the two middle-aged women enjoying their coffee on a nearby front porch pantomimed that they’d already called. A squad car pulled up within minutes. Paler than pale paused and studied the vehicle with pure delight. His reflection gleamed back at him from the shiny passenger window. Once it was lowered he bent in for a chat. It was a daylight mooning.
The world was on hold for the next five minutes.The driver was female. Our man dutifully remained frozen in position until two burly uniformed policemen arrived in a second car. Their response towards him was perfect. After shaking his hand, they offered him a ride in the backseat. As he bounced happily on the hot pavement my son and I relinquished our self-appointed sense of stewardship. We headed off to water polo confident he’d be treated kindly and with respect.
We never saw paler than pale ever again. However, we’ll never forget him.
This post was crafted as part of the Finish the Sentence Friday link-up that is held each Friday by these four fabulous hosts: Kate’s Can I Get Another Bottle of Wine, Janine’s Confessions of a Mommyaholic, Stephanie’s Mommy for Real and Kristi’s Finding Ninee. Today’s sentence prompt was “A funny thing happened on the way to … ”
Enough about our paler than pale. I’m curious about you. Did a different kind of funny thing happen to you on the way to … ? If you’d care to share, I’d love to hear.
59 Responses
You painted that picture perfectly! Poor guy – that was hilarious and because you and your son stop laughing I did too momentarily.
The vision continues to haunt us. Suspect it always will …
Too funny, Kelly! I really don’t have anything else to say as I sit here snickering quietly to myself.
Oh but it was quite the vision April. Quite the vision.
Kenya, is right I could totally picture that scene, because you told it quite perfectly. And now I was laughing so hard, I seriously had to take a minute before I actually commented, Kelly 🙂
Oh you should have been there Janine. Honestly – my son and I were beyond gobsmacked.
OMG I was right THERE and wow. Thank you and NOT THANK YOU for that ugly naked turkey or chicken photo. At least you didn’t post a goat photo of the guy’s junk. Still so funny and awesome!!!
Hahaha! It was a VERY good thing neither my son nor I had our phones. We don’t need a visual of that. Trust me. The turkey/chicken doesn’t do him true justice …
Ooohh – squealing with excitement! I made your wrap up post! Am delighted. Thanks Aussa – you made my day.
OMG, that’s crazy! That’s definitely something you won’t forget. When I was in college, I went to visit some friends at another college. We were going to a frat party and as we were parking, a Convertible Jeep drove by with a fully-naked guy standing up dancing in the backseat. Laughing and having a great time. I was naive and therefore horrified. I will never forget that scene.
I completely understand. That’s not something one is likely to forget … I hope it was nighttime…
I love your chicken that gives us a representation of what you saw. Your description was so perfect, I could picture every crazy moment. 🙂
Thank you. It truly was quite something.
You have the MOST interesting experiences!
Honestly Kathy I can’t believe it sometimes. I never know what I’m going to stumble across in any given day. Truly.
It’s funny, but sad at the same time. What possessed him to go strolling in the nude?!
I agree – I don’t know what triggered it. He was just so comfortable with the whole thing and that body was so, so pale. It was obviously not something he did every day so I’m thinking trigger. But what? Yes, that’s the question.
I can’t think of a better way to finish the sentence this week, Kelly. You nailed it and of course I loved your writing as always! My favorite line(s)?: “he was as starkers as the moment he was born. While his carefree, relaxed grin left no doubt that clothing was off the program for today.” I adore you for that, Kelly!:)
Aw thank you Lisa! You made my day. Truly.
Yep, *that* will wake you up better than that second cup of coffee!! The funniest thing…you were so tired you probably would have driven right by and missed it if not for your son’s outcry! FOCUS, MOM!! Hahahahahaha.
So glad they treated the man so kindly. 🙂 –Lisa
Yes – Lisa – I most certainly would have driven right on by. Wasn’t that great that they were so kind? It would have been heartbreaking otherwise.
Oh my goodness, that is truly something you will never forget ! Love the chicken picture, conjures up quite the imagination !
Jane – it was most, most fortuitous neither my son nor I had our phone with us…
I thought this was going to be a post about chickens until the naked truth was revealed. I once by accident entered a nudist gym at a leisure centre in Germany and the memory of the ageing man on the exercise bike still haunts me!! But that’s a story for another day!!
Laughing – sorry but laughing. That must have been quite something as well. I shouldn’t like to hop on that bike anytime soon…
Wait, what???
You are such a gifted storyteller, Kelly. I don’t know if I could have done as much with Paler than Pale. Time to write a book!
Thanks Katia. I can’t help but remember that day – seems just like last week actually.
Oh dear, the photos were perfect. And the story…ah, reminds me of Aunt Lula in her later years. Or my son when he was two. Both of them were fond of being naked in public.
Ooohhhhh want to learn more about Aunt Lula… Your comment about your son and her being fond of hanging about naked reminds me of the time the doorbell rang and my two were in the tub. Before I could blink, they leapt out and shot to the door. Starkers. Will never forget the look on the face of the poor kid trying to push his raffle tickets. He couldn’t leave fast enough …
I will never, ever look at a turkey in the same way again. 🙂
Oh you’re funny Linda! Laughing out loud here. Thank you. I’m with you – turkey and chicken is now truly shudder worthy …
Well, this sentence prompt may as well have been designed with you in mind. If ever there was a blogger who could kill it with the “funny thing happened on the way to…” prompt, it’s you. What a riveting story! I laughed… I was on the edge of my seat… Loved it.
I’m so glad you were laughing at our expense. Honestly, it was such a treat to have my son with me. Had he not been there I might have thought I’d dreamt it. Quite the visual, let me tell you.
Oh MY! LOL!
This is hilarious. And whilst I feel bad that perhaps something had snapped in his mind to cause him to do this, I love the way you describe his confidence. We all should be so lucky, huh?
BRILLIANT way to FTS(F)
Yes, that is the question of that summer. What caused the trigger? His body was so paler than pale it was most likely a new trend. Although there is always the possibility that he trowelled on layers of sunscreen each and every day, on every square inch of his body …
WOW you told this story SO well, I was glued to my computer screen… and almost laughed myself out of the chair! I definitely can’t compete with that story but thanks for the great laugh!
Oh you never know – there might be a paler than pale fellow in your life one day… when you least expect it ….
Oh goodness I certainly hope not! LOL
Smart woman … smart.
Hilarious! “As starkers as the moment he was born”! Love it. I can imagine, though, that the scene went from “I can’t believe my eyes” to fits and giggles to yikes – something is not right. So glad to hear that the officers treated the poor guy with dignity. Great story!
That’s exactly how it played out Mo.You nailed it. I’m liking the title of your post – off to check it out.
I came across a totally nude jogger fellow one day. I couldn’t believe my eyes….nor could I turn away. And then to come to see it was my sisters brother-in-law. I called her in disbelief telling her what I saw him doing. Indeed, she calmly said, oh yes, he does this all the time. And he’s been arrested a lot for indecent exposure but keeps doing it. LOL I guess it takes all kinds.
Ok – this is a corker. Are you serious?!? Unbelievable. Your sister’s brother-in-law? Well if he does it all the time I suspect he’d have overall colour, no? At least more than our paler than pale. Just today my mom told me of a fellow who knows a guy that runs starkers on every birthday. He likes to run in his birthday suit. However this is only for one day a year not like your chap – all the time. Oh my.
What a great story, Kelly! Oh my. What a gentle approach you took too.
Well honestly Amy – there was no option …
Oh my gosh! You have the best stories. Seriously.
You’re kind Meredith – most folks can’t believe my life – sometimes it’s a stretch for me as well. Ha! My kids just look at each other and shrug. It’s all pretty normal to them growing up with me …
OMG Kelly. OMG. Two posts lately where you had to resort to calling the police? OMG
But, in another vein, that man reminds me of three of my siblings, all of whom have Down’s syndrome. Nowadays they’re dignified adults, but when they were kids, even older kids, they would have done this in a flash. (No pun intended.) So much innocence!
Yes – it is all about the innocence Harmony. So interesting about your siblings. Last summer I announced at the BC Special Olympics swim meet – a two day affair. Many of the adult swimmers had Down’s and they were so, so lovely. Many came up to me and chatted. However, I can’t see them taking off their suits in public.They got the need to keep them on.
I truly think it was a bit of a one off (no pun intended) for this fellow. Something triggered it but I”ve no idea what.
Yes i am laughing my socks off again. I love that you named him Paler than Pale and the poor chicken that is his body double priceless. Thanks as always Kelly for a fun read in a busy day.
Good thing you are in a hot climate Karen. Wouldn’t want those socks off around here anytime soon!
“He was as starkers as the day he was born.” Kelly!!!!! My laughter is affecting the entire tea house where most are trying to sip in peace. Hilarious!!!!!! PS it only took about ten minutes to scroll to the end of these comments to get my space here.
First – my apologies to the other tea drinkers. Second – thank you for reading and then again for commenting. Had hoped it would make your laugh attack journal. It really was the most comical sight and so lovely to share it with my son. To this day one of us only has to mention that vision and we start laughing again…
Kelly, this truly ranks in the “truth is stranger than fiction” category. Been there more times than I care to recount. So nice of you to realize this guy needed some help. So glad you had your son with you to give you some courage and perspective in the matter.
“Stranger than fiction” is indeed a brilliant way to sum it all up, Nanette. Thanks again for reading and leaving a comment.
Another great story, Kelly. You have a very interesting life! I am glad that you took the time to take care of him. He may have been perfectly OK like that, but best to be sure.
Well I was just really worried about how he was making himself a target. He really seemed like a gentle giant. A naked gentle giant. One who could be harmed in an instant.