Yes, the Canadian Thanksgiving is done and dusted. I wrote about our 2013 get together, including the dreaded oven failure, in this previous post.
However with many of my favourite blogs just rife with fabulous tributes to the upcoming American Thanksgiving, I find myself drawn to recollect a particular turkey disaster favourite of my own.
It took place on our Canadian Thanksgiving, 2010. My mother, never particularly fond of cooking, suddenly announced she would host. With both my siblings and their families otherwise engaged, it would be just her and the three of us. I offered to bring the bird and all the fixings but she refused. After a lengthy series of negotiations, we settled on a plan. I would bring the sides and she would look after the turkey. My curiosity was tweaked with her coquettish admission that she “had a special plan for it.” I brushed aside my worries. She did a good turkey, back in the day.
We arrived at her door bang on time that October 11th. I was a weensy bit worried about my mom’s energy level but she threw open the door and suddenly it was Thanksgiving. The air was scented with the unmistakable aroma of turkey. I began to relax. She ushered us in and took our coats. Refusing to let me share the oven “It’s special and I have it and the gravy under control” I was relegated to reheating the brocoli rice casserole and mashed potatoes in the microwave. Not quite the browning process I had considered but never mind.
Finally I was called in to assist. With a flourish and a beaming smile she opened the oven door. I wish I could tell you I was witness to a beauty like this:
Sadly no.
I was frankly puzzled as to what greeted me.
“It’s a roast turkey breast. Alex told me about it. It comes stuffed and you just pop it in the oven!”
My children both froze at the “it comes stuffed.” Already at 15 and 16 they knew things that come already stuffed tend to disappoint. But never mind. I slapped on the oven mitts and reached in for the breast. I wish I could tell you it looked remotely like this:
Sadly no. And even sadder, I don’t have a photo. I wish I did. It was a wonder all of its own.
What started off as a stuffed turkey breast trussed up with string now presented as a pale, bloated balloon. The string, now charred black, was fused deep within the flesh. I feared for our lives as I reached for the scissors.
“Guys maybe you should stand back a bit. This puppy could explode” were the first words that came to mind. It only drew them closer.
Gingerly, I snipped at the taut, ebony bondage.
The result?
Words won’t suffice. The only thing that comes close is this brilliant clip of Chevy Chase carving the turkey in the Christmas Vacation movie. Do watch. It’s worth it. Trust me.
Were there a neck, I’d have saved it for Eddie.
With my mom agreeing she’d like to be excused from further turkey duty, it’s now over to you. Have you ever had a turkey mishap? If you’d like to share, I’d love to hear.
28 Responses
First, I must tell you that “taut, ebony bondage” is the funniest, grossest, and most creative description of anything I’ve seen online today, or this week for that matter! LOL.
Great story…oh my, she did have a doozy of a mess up, eh?
BTW, aren’t you the wonder-blogger this week! I can’t catch up to comment before you write a new one! I read your last two, but was on the run and couldn’t comment. I hate when that happens. Often I read in the car (as a passenger or course), or while waiting in a restaurant….anyway, yes, I would have a full-on panic attack if either one of my kids texted he was stuck in an elevator for 30 mins! YIKES! Glad all turned out well with that.
Hahah – bless you for noticing the writing abundance. I’m doing a 20 blogs in 30 days number. Very happy indeed that story prompts keep popping into my head. I should write them down more often though. Had a cleverish one while I was making cranberry scones just now however I can’t for the life of me remember what it was. Yikes
Hey, I realize you might not accept these (nor need them at this stage in your blog-career!) but I’ve nominated you for an award. It’ll post early Thursday morning (14th). I wanted to acknowledge your awesomeness, but please…no pressure to accept. Do with it what you will. 🙂
Why Beth I love these little gems. Thank you so very much!
We have never had a turkey situation quite that dire, but did experience some scary holiday dinners after my grandma (not the porcupiner) had a few mini strokes. Many things were cooked in “oven bags” and some terrifying desserts. We have made many turkeys over the years, always brining them first, and after last Thanksgiving, we decided we were over turkey. The extended family is grumbling, but they are free to cook their own birds.
Oh my word – that had me smiling. Oven bag turkey? Yikes. My friend’s pal tried brining and she said it turned out extremely well. Is it the brining that has put a halt to turkey for you?
Great story Kelly, and even better now that I have had the pleasure of spending time with your Mum who is a delight, and truly one of a kind ! Do you think she had a master plan so she never had to offer to host again ?
Clever Jane. That could have been her motive, yes! However, as she loves to host – just not cook – perhaps it was more along the lines of encouraging me to be a bit more persistent with my offer to bring over the entire meal…
I am crying with laughter!! The fact that she cooked it with the string still on is just the best ever! WOW! I don’t think we have ever had a real Thanksgiving disaster, but this year could be our year! ;)-Ashley
Hopefully not Ashley. Hopefully not.
Oh nooooo! This sounds like something IIIII would do. I am the youngest in my family and I proudly embrace my right to do as little as possible during Thanksgiving (I usually end up bringing rolls and cutlery, like a boss). I do recall there was a year that my sister-in-law showed up with a still frozen turkey, saying it would only take a couple hours to prepare– even though we were supposed to be eating shortly after her arrival. It was a special year. There may also have been an Emergency Room visit involved. Going to have to blog about that one…
No! A still frozen turkey presented just moments before sit down time? You simply must blog about that. Emergency Room visit and all.
Laughing!!! This reminds me of my mother. She always says she hates (HATES) cooking, and her cooking resembles that of hating it, but every year she states that she will be doing the cooking. I do not have pictures either, and I’m not sure pictures would even do justice to what lays there after she says it’s done. I have walked away from her table a few times saying never again and yet again I go. This year I’m making my own turkey and all the fixens so I can actually tell it’s a turkey that was made.
Ok so you totally get where I’m coming from Kelli. Good on you for taking it on this year. Dinner will be a treat for sure.
That was a fun post! I clicked over to the video and realized I think the mom from “everyone loves Raymond” is at the table! It was a sweet, if not yummy, gesture 🙂 We’ve had our share of turkey mishaps. My first time I made one, I was so naïve I didn’t know there were, um, parts in it. LIke a neck. Pretty gross for my husband as he cut into it
It is Raymond’s mom! Good eyes Christa. She is fabulous in the movie – plays the mother-in-law. Oh I’m sure you’re not the first to leave the neck in.Or the gizzards. My mom used to cook it and wrap it in foil for my brother’s school lunch the next day. True story he never lets her forget.
These great stories of turkey successes and failures are what makes the shared holiday experience so universal. I’m going to borrow this idea (because I’m also always looking for writing prompts!) and write about my first Thanksgiving and how I almost accidentally poisoned my mom.
Yes – me too ! Always looking for writing prompts. Would you consider linking up for one, one time? I think we could churn out a beaut or two that way. I don’t know – West Coast mishaps seem to be my theme and I suspect you could toss up a few yourself. What do you think?
Count me in! West Coast mishaps…The little gears that run my brain are turning…
My dad handed me a solid frozen turkey on the same day we needed to cook it more than once. He’s so helpful
NO! Yes, very helpful Laurie!
Thanksgiving morning and I immediately headed here to catch up on your blog. I see you “slapping on those mitts” to pull out that stuffed turkey breast that even your kids knew was questionable. That “step back” comment brought the Chevy Chase movie forward. No need to watch the clip. Your writing does it. Kelly, you are the best fun.
I hope your Thanksgiving was splendid Susan. Another fave of mine to watch around Thanksgiving has to be “Planes, Trains and Automobiles.” Have you seen it? John Candy and Steve Martin. Oh man they are good.
Too funny! (But not at the time, I’m sure!) I remember a turkey served (fortunately not by me!) at a dinner once that was still frozen in the middle when carved!
Glad I found your fun blog Kelly – thanks for all your comments on Instagram!
Still frozen in the middle? Oh now that’s something you can’t gloss over. Have you seen Chevy Chase’s Christmas Vacation (a family fave here) where the turkey is cooked to explosion point? Complete opposite to what you’re describing. If not, check it out. It’s a gem.
So funny! I too took over the Thanksgiving Day cooking every since we discovered thirty minutes before dinner was to be served that mom had forgotten to turn the oven on! Ever had cheeseburgers for Thanksgiving?…I have!
No I can’t say that I have had cheeseburgers for Thanksgiving however I fully expect that I shouldn’t rule them out. If it’s going to happen it’ll happen to me too. Bless your mom. That must have been an interesting thirty minutes. Thanks so much for popping in today and leaving a comment.