Today I’m participating in the Finish The Sentence Friday extravaganza hosted by Kate’s Can I Get Another Bottle of Wine, Janine’s Confessions of a Mommyaholic, Stephanie’s Mommy for Real and Kristi’s Finding Ninee.
Our opening sentence today is: When I was a little kid, I thought …
***
When I was a little kid, I thought I’d grow up and be the mom that only gave her children stellar birthday cakes. Every single birthday.
This belief stemmed from the nightmare of my own fourth birthday.
Because it falls at the end of August, we were still vacationing at our cabin on BC’s sunshine coast on that special day. I remember clearly my sense of growing impatience as I sat with my two siblings and our dad at the dining room table, awaiting the presentation of my cake. Mom was busy in the kitchen, stabbing in the candles and hunting for the ever elusive box of matches. Her shrill gasp of surprise shattered our focus. Dad quietly slipped away to discover the cause.
Their subsequent babble involving mostly “shushing” sounds proved too much for my brother and sister. They bolted into the kitchen, while I, acutely aware I wasn’t to move, squirmed in my chair.
“Oh that’s funny!”
“Just brush them off, she won’t know.”
The latter did me in. I sprang up to see for myself.
My cake was the focal point. Its surface a true vision; a shockingly masculine hue of black, it positively shimmered. Closer inspection revealed the shimmer was a creation of constant motion. Magic? No. Ants. My cake was coated with hundreds of voracious teeny black ants.
Spying my horrified visage, Mom whipped into action, quickly propelling me back to my seat.
Miraculously, within a span of mere minutes, amidst a decidedly giggly rendition of “Happy Birthday Dear Kelly” another cake was produced. Its surface was curiously free of both ants and any form of decorative icing. Rather than a smooth frosting though, this one was wavy and bumpy all over. It’s four candles leaned rather precariously in their surprisingly large holes.
“Happy Birthday Kelly! A brand new cake! Eat up Love!” exclaimed my mom.
I did. She didn’t.
I soon learned the horrific truth from my delightfully helpful brother and sister.
Yes, when I was a little kid, I thought because of that despicable ant encrusted cake, that I’d be the mom that only gave her children stellar birthday cakes.
I was wrong. In 2006 my 11-year-old birthday boy asked for a Dairy Queen Ice Cream Cake for the family birthday party. We’d enjoyed one the year before at his Birthday Party from Hell and it was delicious. Personally, I was delighted to be spared baking and icing a cake on this typically busy Sunday which was crammed full with the usual soccer, swimming and water polo.
As the family party, held in honour of both my son’s and my mom’s September 26th birthdays, was an hour away at my parent’s house, I decided to pick up the ice cream cake on the way there. We were already running half an hour late but fortunately the Dairy Queen still had the perfect cake in its showcase.
Unfortunately traffic was thick. As we crawled along, still far from our destination, I noticed the car was running low on gas.
“Just going to zip in and fill up” I breezily announced to the two sports exhausted children in the back seat.
As the price that day was reasonably low, I filled the tank right to the top. Reaching for my purse, a dreadful truth emerged. I’d left my wallet at home. My legs felt wooden as I dragged myself into the tiny booth of the gas attendant.
“I’ve done a dreadful thing. I’ve left my wallet at home and filled up the tank. I can’t pay. Would you take my wedding ring as temporary payment? I’ll be back in 40 minutes with my credit card.”
The gas jockey blinked. Taking that as an affirmation, I tugged at my ring and hurled it across the counter.
I managed the return trip in 30 minutes.
We were now well over an hour late for dinner. The ice cream cake had been out of the freezer for at least 60 minutes.
Worried about being so late and knowing it would be difficult to find a pay phone (I’d get my cell phone five years later), I certainly didn’t notice that the seat next to me had the seat warmer on. I sped through the side streets, heading for my parents. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a red light. I slammed to a halt. The cake, calmly melting beside me, shot off the seat and wedged itself into the wheel well under the glovebox.
Dead silence from the shocked back seat.
I pulled over, got out and opened the side door. Reaching in, I grabbed for the sadly deformed Dairy Queen box and thrust it back on the seat. Wiping my sticky fingers through my now frazzled hair, I clutched the steering wheel and turned on the car.
We arrived at the party a good hour and a half late. With my mom and the birthday boy excitedly exchanging birthday hugs, my 12-year-old daughter clutched at the sodden crumpled cake box and silently offered it up to my dad. He looked at me in astonishment, quickly assessed my state of mind and carted it off to the freezer chest in the basement. There was no way the warped box would fit in the fridge freezer upstairs.
I’d like to report that the birthday cake of 2006 looked exactly like this:
However, in fact it looked remarkably like this:
And to think, when I was a little kid, I thought I’d grow up and be the mom that only gave her children stellar birthday cakes.
How about you? Are you like me? Or are you the perfect parent who is living your childhood belief?
44 Responses
LOVE this story! What truth you speak!
Thank you! Sadly yes – it’s all truer than true.
I actually have made some great cakes, but trust me they are not easy to make and this year I decided to go back to Carvel Cakes, because they aren’t worth the stress of it all and my kids would rather the ice cream anyways. So, I know as much as we think we are doing the right thing sometimes, it is better to just take the easier route and things have a way of falling into place I suppose. thanks Kelly for linking up with us against this week!
Carvel Cakes – just googled ’em and see that they are only available in the States. Aha! Yet another option for a Canadian franchise… Thanks for the heads up Janine.
Oh, that is too funny! You are such a fantastic storyteller! It’s such a treat to read your writing. I can’t believe you left your ring as collateral! Brave lady… 🙂
Yes – after hurling the ring at the gas jockey it was such a delight to endure my children’s comments for the next 30 minutes as we sped home and back on the wallet retrieval duty.
“Mommy what if he wants to keep it?” “What if he gives you back Another ring?” “What if he loses it?” “Mommmmeeeeee!”
OMG ouch! If it makes you feel better, I’m a 45 year old mom of a 4 year old and I’ve never made a cake in my life. Maybe one. but it sucked….
Yes! Now you are one very smart lady Kristi. It does make me feel better. Thank you.
Hahaha, I don’t know which is sadder, that you’re 45 or that you’ve never made a cake?!!
Great story, Kelly! We’ve all had those Oh shit moments as parents I think.
My wife has taken to doing some sort of magic with box cake mix and the kids love them.
Hahaha – some sort of magic with box cake mix! I love it. Wise woman, your wife.
Oh my, that sounds like something I would do! Although to look at that chunky, melted cake, I still would probably eat it. What can I say, I love ice cream cake!
Me too! Thankfully – ice cream cake in either form (rock solid frozen or soupily melted) takes delish.
Oh no! I’m so sorry for your cake disasters, Kelly, but they do make wonderful stories! I love how you crafted this story … a complete comedy of errors 🙂
Thanks Lizzy. Looking back, I think that has been my maternal mantra. “This too shall pass. If nothing else, it will be fodder for a story. This too shall pass. If nothing else, it will be fodder for a story…”
Bwahahahahahaha. Oh, you had me on the edge of my seat the entire time. This story is just fantastic!! That photo of the cake…oh lawd! Hahahaha.
All of the things I *knew* I’d do better/perfectly when *I* had kids have all been a bust. That kind of declaration must be a guarantee of less than stellar outcomes.
Lucy loves pandas and has had several panda birthday cakes. One year (for her 4th birthday–there must be something with that year) it was the most hideous thing I’ve ever seen. The baker decorated it in mostly BLACK and red–every little girl’s fantasy, right? Worst, he went for some sort of realistic look. It was frightening like a nightmare. We just cut it up as fast as we could and ate a BUNCH of black icing. Blech!! 🙂 Now that I see it could have been worse (and I didn’t even have to take off my wedding ring). I got off easy!! –Lisa
Hahahaha! Frightening like a nightmare? Exactly what every little girl dreams of at four! Puppies, kitties, bunnies, rainbows and the ever popular BLACK-and-red-goopy-icing-beyond-realistic pandas … My niece is pregnant. Should she have a girl, can I get the name of your baker?
What a funny, sad, and truthful story! The photos at the end tell the tale, for sure. Thanks for writing this, I think all moms everywhere can relate.
Thanks Bonnie. My children will never forget. That’s a certainty!
The remarkably like this picture was hilarious! Sorry about that ant cake – yikes!!! I’ve been buying cakes from Walmart. My son has a December birthday so I just take a cake to school since it has to be store bought. Last year he told me that he’d rather have a cake at home. He likes MY cakes. I was so thrilled.
The best comment a mom can hear. “I like your cakes best.” So great.
Oh Kelly, you have such a gift !! I am still laughing over here ! As a Mum, I can only imagine the look on your face when you hit the brakes ! My worst cake nightmare was when I made a perfectly wonderful carousel cake with cute animal cracker animals, and a paper cover over it ( to look like a real carousel). Without thinking the whole thing through, I proceeded to light the candles, then turned away to get the camera. I heard some delighted screams from the girls, saying “it’s on fire”, and the roof of the carousel had caught on fire ! Needless to say, I am sure the girls went home with some great tales for their parents !
What?!? The cake carousel caught fire?!? HOW have I not heard this story before?
Oh no, I would have been crushed! This happened to my sister a few years ago. We had decided to play with fondant for the first time, and she was so proud of how her cake turned out, but she was exhausted, so she was going to shoot a few pics the next day. She set the cake on the dining room server and got up in the morning to find it completely covered in ants like yours! 🙁 So you served a “trifle” instead of an ice-cream cake lol.
What?!? Someone else had an ant cake? Amazing. Oh I feel for her. Love your trifle comment – wished I’d thought of it then …
Love. This. Story! I can’t even imagine that car ride after having handed over your wedding ring to the gas station attendant!! omg….
I’ve had more “oh shit” moments than I’d like to recount. But, to be honest, I expected them, as did everyone else – so the cool thing is when I do actually manage to pull brilliance out of my a$$ everyone is so amazed they NEVER forget it!! And I know my talents (or lack of them) so Kroger makes all my cakes. lol.
Exactly. You get it – when things turn out right, everyone is amazed. My life right there summed up in that one sentence.
Ohhhh dear! I know that feeling. I’ve forgotten my purse, too, and had my 3 y/o Niece with me, sat on the counter as I filled out a Long Important Form (no wedding ring collaterals allowed here) and then zoomed back home, then out again with the money, all the time listening to her “You forgot, didn’t you? That was silly, wasn’t it? Why did you forget?”
I hope you served the cake with a spoon and a smile 😉
Hahaha! Oh the patience it must have taken to fill out that long form and then to have to listen to the running commentary in the car. I so get this.
Yep – cake served up with spoons, bowls and jumbo smiles. Just another “typikel” adventure…
She was with me as I filled the form out! Fortunately her funny comments made the petrol station attendant smile, so the form-filling was less full of ‘judgy’ feelings.
Spoons, bowls and big smiles. I like your attitude 😀
Oh how history repeats! It’s a given that the one thing you swear you are going to repeat, you repeat. If I were not a mom myself, I would not believe that you could have actually lived through the fireworks episode you wrote about last week AND the cake catastrophes you write about here. Seriously though, I am a mom so I know that every single day brings episodes that you can’t believe are actually happening….in real life! This is a brilliant post and I admire your writing.
Thanks Lisa. Yes every single day does bring episodes that I can’t believe are actually happening in real life! Well put.
First of all I am so sad to hear about the ant cake. I woulda been so bummed out. I have to admit that the melting cake was comical but I’m sure you didn’t think it was back then. I’m actually glad to hear of these moments gone awry because I feel like the people I meet lately are all stepford wives rainbow sprinkles & unicorns all the time. So sometimes I need to hear stories like these to remind myself that there’s other moms w/o super powers too!
Oh you just need to hang out a bit with me Bianca. Trust me my life is so not rainbow sprinkles and unicorms! Hahahaha! My children are at the point now where they tend to not react when things go awry. Case in point – when the stove at the condo I was renting shut down during dinner for 9, my daughter (19) just smiled and said “Here we go again. I just know it’ll all work out – always does.” It did.
Oh, Kelly, I’m sorry to laugh at your double misfortune but these stories are just so funny! I’m not sure I would ever eat a layer cake again after the ant incident. And your DQ cake escapades should now and forever be the story that defines the term “comedy of errors”.
Story of my life Mo. Seriously. I skip, slide and skate from one “typiKel” adventure to another.
I had a similar fantasy. A few years back, my daughter was asking for an ice cream cake so I wanted to MAKE her one. My sister said it was SO EASY and I had never made one before. So my sister gave me the recipe and suggested that I use a rather thick gooey brownie as the cake layer. As it turned out, the brownie layer was so rock hard it could almost break your teeth. By the time that layer thawed enough to eat, the ice cream was a mess. Needless to say, there were LOTS of leftovers! It was terrible. I will probably never make her another ice cream cake… or at least not without testing it first!
Oh Amy, I’m sorry but I’m laughing here. That sounds so very much like something that would happen to me. “…so rock hard it could almost break your teeth.” Fantastic. Thank you for sharing that delight.
You are such a gifted story teller. I am amazed at the fact that you remember the event with such clarity. I’ve been trying for years to “fish” for my oldest memory and came up with so fragments, but nothing as coherent (and fun).
If only I could remember the important stuff though – such as dates of the Roman Empire etc. That kind of info I struggle to recall.
OK, this post seriously cracked me up. There were so many things I said I would do as a parent that are already epic failures!! Thanks for the laugh, but sorry ?
No worries – laugh away. My family certainly did as we spooned up that yummy pudding cake.
Oh that’s hilarious – cake disasters. I’ve had my share of baking lopsided layers, but I always make up for it by evening them out with extra pockets of icing. I’m of the opinion there can never be too much frosting. 😉
Yes, I too am a huge fan of frosting. Huge. It’s great for camouflaging gouges in the base of cakes too….