This post is part of a brave blogging link-up that’s part of Liv Lane’s How To Build a Blog You Truly Love ecourse. As a participant, I was challenged to step outside my comfort zone and share something with you that felt especially brave.
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It was just a simple little interaction; one that I’m sure he’s long forgotten. But I haven’t.
Recently, while enjoying a morning dog walk around my neighbourhood, I encountered a dad from the 1990’s preschool days. We hadn’t seen each other in over six years so it wasn’t surprising to witness him struggling to remember my name. He smiled and paused for a moment on the sidewalk across the street.
“Is it true that your kids have abandoned you?” he shouted out with his hands cupped around his mouth to ensure I would hear.
Just as I was about to respond, he shook his head very slowly from side to side. Then raising his right arm in a kind of dismissive wave, he turned his back and plodded on up the street.
My mind kicked into overdrive. What did he mean “have they abandoned me?” They’re simply studying at universities back east. And what was that dismissive wave about? It left me feeling as if I’d done something wrong. I yanked on Poppy’s leash and dragged her down the hill towards home.
This wasn’t the first time I’ve been annoyed at folks’ reactions to the news that both my children have chosen universities far from home instead of attending a local option. While most questions have been kind and rather innocuous (ie – will we Skype or will I mail them care packages etc), some were rather ridiculous. One in particular was the insipid “Will you move to be near them?” My response to that gem was decidedly clipped.
“No! Absolutely not. It’s their time to shine and find their way. I am most definitely not following them, hovering like a helicopter, fussing over their meals and bedtimes, thank you very much. My children would never forgive me.”
Yes I truly resented being asked all these questions.
Why?
The answer shot through me as I hauled my poor dog down the hill.
I don’t like perceiving I’m being treated differently because my husband died.
Still. After 16 years. Wow.
It would seem I owe some people an apology or two.
And, yes. It would seem I still have some healing to do.
17 Responses
Gosh Kelly, you sure captured what happens to me when I’m emotionally hooked by another’s comment.
It’s the word “abandoned” that screams out. Most of us relate to some experience of abandonment. A beloved’s passing underscores it in bright red.
I don’t think I clearly understood the empty nest bigness until this post. Yes, I know it in my own life. And just this week, a friend shared that her marriage is awry now that the kids have moved out. Her husband just moved out. I’m so glad your blog is here.
Susan – you are a gem. You get it! Thank you. Sending my very best to your friend.
Beautifully written. Isn’t it amazing how a simple gesture or word can offer such insight?
Yes, that word “abandon” is so charged. I felt a little shock when I read that guy’s question in your post. It’s brought up layers of meaning and questioning for me as well.
Thanks Harmony. Lovely to hear I’m not alone!
This is fascinating, Kelly! Like Susan said, a great example of how we may perceive a person’s comments because of our own deep-rooted beliefs and experiences. It is so easy to be wounded again and again by words people don’t even realize they’ve said. At the same time, I’m shocked how many people are surprised your kids have moved away for school. This is so common here and a great sign of independence, I think. So good on you for letting them shine wherever they choose – and for finding ways to shine yourself. xo
Thank you Liv. It is really common here too – I think maybe that’s the comments stung even more. However as I just had dinner with my son and witnessed first hand how he is positively thriving here, it reinforced my belief that he is where he should be! Yes!
I am glad we had our confab on this very issue last yr, as my one and only moved 3 hrs flight away. I am proud as punch to share the growth he has embraced with each long distance adventure, as well as his sweet gentleness with me at each return visit, blesssings and blessings, Kelly. We raised strong, independent, resilient and thriving beings. Well done you.
You are absolutely right. Thank you Nonie.
I can’t imagine anyone thinking that your children abandoned you because they set out on their own. To me, the fact that they had the courage and independence to forge their own path wherever it may take them only speaks volumes to what a great Mother you were then and continue to be. My hope for my own children is that they will have the passion to live where they need to live – wherever that may be. And I hope I taught them the self confidence to follow their path! Great blog post!
WOW. After reading your post, I thought to myself…what an amazing woman! So strong and brave. Most of all, what a great Mom you are. You’ve brought up brave, independent, smart kids…you should be very proud, hold your head up strong and celebrate!
such a strong word – abandon. Our only son went to university at York about a 4 hour drive away ( quite far by UK standards) and we were thrilled that he had got a place at one of the UK’s top universities for his subject and was going to have a very different experience living in the north of England rather than the south where he grew up. He finished this summer having had a fabulous time. We have to allow our kids to fly
Ahhhhh Kelly…the hairs on the back of my neck stood up while reading his question to you and seeing that word ‘abandon’. Errrrrrrrrr! Words certainly do trigger us. And isn’t it silly how it can be a different reaction to the very same question on a different day? It’s one of the complexities I love about being human. Gosh, it’s never dull, is it? I hope you’re enjoying another lovely dinner with your son and/or daughter this evening.
Oh Kelly, you so beautifully express that area of self-awareness… where we know some things about ourselves…. and yet we also know there’s still more to discover.
Thanks for sharing these moments and insights of your life. It is brave, and illuminating and very generous of you!
Thank you Erin.I really appreciate your kind comments!
You know what…I think the fact that your kids felt secure enough to venture out on their own and chase their dreams independently is a huge testament to what a great job you must have done as a mom. Honestly, that is the first thing I thought of when you mentioned that. It’s so interesting that people can hear the same info and feel such different things. Abandoned? Wow. I think that says more about the man using that word than it does about you or your kids.
Thank you so very much for your kind words. I really appreciate it!